Happy Unhappy Ending: Prologue

by AuthorOfMyLife

Published August 20, 2011

In Happy Unhappy Ending

Removed per request of author

Comments & reviews · 4
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IcyFlame
Review
IcyFlame wrote a review Review · Aug 23, 2011

Nice cover! I'm really liking it! If you made it yourself you should consider entering Dreams Tell Lies and Covers Need Creating - it looks as though you're really talented.

Although most stories don't actually need a prologue, you've succeeded in actually drawing me into the story, so it was possibly necessary here. I can't really nitpick as thats pretty much been done already but I'll take a peek at the next chapter.
Icy

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romance otaku
Review
romance otaku wrote a review Review · Aug 21, 2011

Awesome cover - now I just wish I could see it... Make it larger next time please! Also, the word "ending" is the only word that isn't faded - maybe consider doing it in the same font you did "happy" so that it doesn't stand out like a sore thumb.

"But when she meets Tony and his friends who are not popular, and spends more time on drugs that off them, she gets away from her family and friends, but she also gets longer into a bad drug use."

Read over this again, because it confused me. I'm assuming "that" should be "than", and that "longer" should be "father".

"All alone with nothing but the memories haunting her."

The second line is a fragment. I'm cool with fragments usually, however as the second line of your book? I don't think so; it feels sloppy. Instead, replace the period of the sentence before withe a comma, make the "A" in "all" lower case, and you're good.

"Couldn’t live in that place where so much bad had happened, where life had been started only to witness other lives ending."

Fourth line, too? You can do better than that. Throw in a subject (probably "I") to change that to a complete sentence.

All in all, I feel that you could do something with this. Sadly, it feels a little cliche so far, but I'm going to assume that you have some twists and turns planned, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Keep in mind that while fragments are okay to have for emphasis, they are NOT okay to just have lying around. Beyond that, I didn't see enough of your writing to make a good judge of what you are doing and of your style. You can do something good with this; I'ma just wait and see~

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Folius
Review
Folius wrote a review Review · Aug 20, 2011

I believe you have achieved in making this story more mysterious with the prologue.
Though I believe there are some fragments that could be changed to become proper sentences, though I do understand fragments do sound nicer than sentences.

Such as, "But I couldn’t stay. Couldn’t live in that place where so much bad had happened, where life had been started only to witness other lives ending."

I think it should be, "But I couldn't stay; I couldn't live in that place where so much bad had happened, where life had been started only to witness other lives ending."

And basically that is it for me. I am unable to see any other errors, so pardon me if there are. :D Anyway, I would be interested to know more about this story; so keep writing!



"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh