Removed per request of author
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Happy Unhappy Ending: Chapter 5Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,438 Literary Works • 672,025 Reviews
I found this chapter kind of okay . There are a few typing error's , nothing major , but once your done writing your work review it just once .
" his white hair flying back and revealing the old scar on his forehead."
when you say "the old scar" , its kind of like she know's how he got it , but they're just new friends so it doesn't make that much of sense .
"Lucy this is my friends Kayla and Kyle – they’re brother and sister. And Kayla and Kyle, this is my friend Lucy.”
When you this it stands for one friend , but your talking about both of them so it would be these are my friends
Yeah and I guess that's it ! can't wait to read chapter five !
-Tanya / tanya98
'I smiled. “Yeah, people just love punishing me. My old friends, my mom and probably my sister too when I get home.” I said and lay back in the grass. “I hate siblings! I hate friends and family who all want to control you, and I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t wanna end up like my sisters.” '
Your doing a good job with the dialoge its very good! Your characters are great! Good job
Keep writing,
Narnialover4ever1
Hey there!
I didn't enjoy this one as much as your last ones. I guess because it didn;t have the bang that the first chapter had. I also found the last line about the firing a bit childish. I didn't expect that from the character. I don;'t know if it was the tone of voice or something, but I could imagine a 9 year old saying that after she's been denied her favourite toy.
I also found the structure to be a bit uneven in places. Some paragraphs had too short lines, and other had too long lines. Ithought that you need to edit the structure to match the subtlety of the writing. Hopes this help you (sorry, I'm not usually this harsh XD)