I am a prisioner in a cell
made out of air.
One I created out of despair.
*
I accused the bystander
who judge me through eyes
reflected out of my image...
lies.
*
Reality check…it was I.
*
The one behind the curtain,
always plotting,
breaking.
*
My soul and spirit.
*
I brought myself down,
like a broken record.
And kept repeating
on and on, the errors.
*
I made the lyrics
one by one
break and sew.
*
The skin.
The heart.
The pain.
Like an endless sad song.
*
"Forever the same...
going around in circles."
*
The wails of despair,
the tears of shame,
the silence of pain,
and the bleak of nothingness.
*
"Forever the same...
going around in circles."
*
Drip, drop, splash...
they always fall.
Like a broken record.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
I love, love, love this. (the people complaining about the abstractedness of the section about the bystander just seem shallow to me.) In my eyes, you're saying you created you're own cell of air (not a real jail, yubbies21) by judging yourself, putting yourself down over and over again until it made you feel like a broken record, doing the same things to yourself and hating yourself for hating yourself for hating yourself and hating yourself and you've gotten sick of the pain you're putting yourself through, over and over to no end, like you're trapped in a cell of your own words.
If that's not what it was, sorry .-.
Thank You! And you're actually spot on with the meaning behind this. :3
No problem, and yaaaay! c:
Hello!
While I have to say I like the idea behind this poem, it just isn't working for me. Parts of it are too abstract, they don't make sense. These parts below were unclear:
This confused me alot. I thought the poem was from the point of view of the prisoner, not the bystander. If you accused the bystander then why are you in jail? the second line is hard to understand. I think you messed up the tense of the word "judge."
What? First your making lyrics, which I understand, but why are you sewing?
How are skin, a heart, and pain like an endless sad song?
What is this a quote from? If it's a quote from somewhere, you have to give credit where credit is due.
How does a record falling sound like that? It sounds like you're mixing two different ideas in this poem together, but it doesn't make sense.
If you could fix these things, it would be an amazing poem. I like the idea of using a quote in this poem, but you do have to give credit. I really enjoyed this part of the poem:
It could use some work, the first stanza to help run smoothly, but it doesn't have to. If I were you, I would first of all fix the spelling of prisoner. Then change I am at the beginning to I'm and get rid of the period in the second line. On the final line, i'd scratch out the word "I" entirely.
Keep going, you really are an amazing poet!
Hi Ary,so here is Dark to give review on your poem.
Firstly,I totally love the idea here.A prisoner who was jailed and judged unfairly.
# I accused the bystander
who judge me through eyes
reflected out of my image...
lies.
I agree with Ozz here,the first stanza seems too abstract here that makes these lines unclear.So it's not managed to convey the real meaning here.The same thing also happened to the other lines.You should reread this poem again after 5 days and you will found what is wrong with this wonderful poem.Keep it up and keep writing here in YWS!
Anyway,I enjoyed reading your poem here!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
I like how in this poem you used short little lines.
I also like how you seperate the stanzas.
I didn't see any spelling mistakes in this poem, so that's good....
I have a question though.
Are you the broken record?
Otherwise, five stars on this poem!!
Yes, because sometimes I am the one that keeps bringing back the pain of what has already been healed. And no, because to a certain point I am trying to show others how is it sometimes ourselves who keep on twisting the thorns and knives into our backs. Like instead of pushing the hand that put the knife there to hurt us, we just help it plunge into our souls deeper. Does that make any sense?...
After 'deeper' I forgot to put: 'and let it get to us'.