Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Culture


Jolly Christmas

by Ary


In a night so dark,
There's only one spark.
The christmas cheer in every kid,
Waiting for Santa to come and sing.

"Holiday Joy!" says the drunk,
Drinking for the happiness,
"Holiday Spirit!"say the wives,
Caroling in every corner.

The little kids are playing,
Screaming for the cold,
But loving every second,
And jumping in the snow.

On a day so special,
They cherish what they got,
Not presents...
But love


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
74 Reviews


Points: 2830
Reviews: 74

Donate
Sun Nov 24, 2013 11:34 pm
View Likes
Omi1 wrote a review...



Hello! Omi1 here to review! :) I figured I'd review this in light of the coming holiday season. My first opinion was that I liked it. There was some fairly decent rhyme scheme and for the most part it flowed rather smoothly. I really liked the images I got of the children playing in the snow. That bit was well written. :)
Here are my tips:


In a night so dark

This is the a line I would expect to hear at the beginning of a horror story.

Christmas should be capitalized since it is the name of a holiday.
"Kid" is not very literate. "Child" would be more correct.
Waiting for Santa to come and sing.

I can't say I've heard many people say that Santa comes to 'sing'.

"Holiday Joy!" says the drunk,
Drinking for the happiness,
"Holiday Spirit!"say the wives,
Caroling in every corner.

Why are you mentioning a drunk and spirits shortly after mentioning children in just the previous stanza and then again in the next?

I really liked the ending, but it doesn't flow quite right... To me it is ended far too abruptly... idk, read it out loud and decide for yourself.




User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 906
Reviews: 23

Donate
Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:33 am
View Likes
CowLogic wrote a review...



Barnyard Reviews: A Review For You ("Jolly Christmas" by Ary)

In a world where Christmas is easily the most commercialized Holiday, including Halloween, and the main thoughts on everyone's mind going into the season is, "How am I going to afford to buy presents for people," this poem breathes fresh air into our mouth-holes. We are taken back to the platform of the season, which of course is love, be it for your chosen deity, your family, your friends. Santa needs to take a backseat to the love, and this poem gives you faith in that idea.

As a previous scholarly reviewer has mentioned the imagery is not as crystal clear as it could be, but why not a minimalist approach. If you want imagery go read some Robert Frost or some shizzle like that. I like the poem. It's cute, it's short, and it's to the point.

I would recommend it to anyone who's preoccupied with buying things for people.

7/10




User avatar
695 Reviews


Points: 5608
Reviews: 695

Donate
Sun Dec 30, 2012 2:53 am
Audy wrote a review...



Hey Ary!

I hope you are liking YWS so far! I've come to make a pit-stop to review, so let's just cut to the chase and dive right in!

I like the idea for this piece - I like that you sort of form a scene around the theme of Christmas, and you have Santa on a dark night and holiday spirit from all of the people/carolers/kids, etc., it's obvious that Christmas is not about presents in this scenario. It's a very simple message and one that gets said a lot during the Holiday season, but still! It's still a heartwarming crowd-pleaser of a poem, and I'm okay with that.

What I would like more of, is to see more images. I feel like these images barely skim the surface of love. In stead of kids playing and screaming, try to be more specific? What are they playing - are they hunting after wild rabbits in the snow? Maybe inching behind them after their tracks, but not quite overpassing them... are they making angels in the snow? The more specific you are, the more vivid the poem is and the more it sticks to mind!

Okay, so the next order of business is the rhymes. Rhymes are great - but you can't just start them off and then stop them in some lines and then have slant rhymes in others. It needs to be consistent, and whatever you do, it needs to be intentional. You have some rhymes going on, but your rhymes seem to jump all over the place. By that I mean, rhyming is all about sounds. When you rhyme a word that ends in -ing, or -y, or -ie, you get a sharp "e" sound, and that stresses the ear, but also creates a sort of happy and upbeat sound.

On the other hand, rhymes that end in "ay" or some variation like "oy", kind of carry that jolly falalala Christmas joy. You have a lot of hard rhymes going on though - by that I mean, there are more solemn, somber sounds rather than merry sounds. Things like "drunk/ got/ dark/ corner" these are more harsher sounds, so they don't have that soft, happy feel.

Still! A nice little Christmas poem all the same ^^ Keep writing!

~ as always, Audy




User avatar
804 Reviews


Points: 31662
Reviews: 804

Donate
Tue Dec 25, 2012 5:57 pm
View Likes
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Ary!

Aw, this is so sweet! I the brevity of it. Just four short stanzas, yet you've clearly presented your view of Christmas. It's wonderful.

My only complaints are:

"Holiday Joy!" say the drunk,
~ It should be 'says the drunk'.

and

Charoling in every corner.
~ There's no 'h' in "Caroling".

Merry Christmas!

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)




Ary says...


thank you!; sorry for the grammatical errors I was in a hurry because I was about to sit down with the family for Christmas lunch but thanks and Merry Christmas! :)




"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi