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I'm just gonna go ahead and review this. I'll do like a paragraph type of review.
I thought this was a really good idea and it turned out to be a good poem. I liked it a lot, for I felt that it had a lot of connection to writers block and just technically writing situations. XP I know that if most of writing wasn't electronic-like we would all be crumpling paper. So it was a very understandable poem.
I found it very interesting that you decided to include parenthesis! I mean, it's not often used and I am not too sure why you felt the need to use it completely, but that said, I like visual poetry and I thought that it was really well written and nice. And actually I see some of the need, especially when you are saying "But upon a horrible truth, Shall I destroy you" And to be honest I found that a bit funny.
I like how you wrote how the words would be cherished and how they were magnificent and then they were just to be destroyed, I felt that really resembled how we writers cherish our work even if they are to be disregarded once our little world is made we don't want to have to let it go, so I liked how you used that, I thought it was a really great idea and put together fantastically. XP
I made one small edit on your last stanza the change is in bold:
A very small changed, just because you're writing it after the crumpling, I would suggest making it past tense.
Overall:
I thought it was a great poem! I liked reading it and felt you did a good job, and added some new visual effects for me to see. XD
--Keep writing and dreaming!
Like the others, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START!!! D:
Anyway. I guess I'll start here...
Ost of the lines aren't clear. Others have already pointed out where. I think some extra detail, or explanation in needed. Your overall ryhme isn't set to an original ryhme scheme, which I like. It gets really boring wen you have to read the same kind of ryme every stanza. Kudos for this wonderful poem!
Cheers!
~Dark
OKAY! Where should I start? The topic here is wonderful or should I say that I would not think of it.
However, there are still many things that could be fixed. Firstly, I don't see the need to use parentheses. I believe that the usage of commas and periods is unnecessary. Using it every so often is fine. There also should be more rhythm and flow.
I don't believe the second and third line is clear enough. A bit more explanation would do very well too. Like I said, drop the parentheses, and then, maybe the semicolon too. The second and third line should be reread, reconsidered, rewrote or maybe deleted.
The second, third, and forth line seem all too random. You're kind of edging on to the tip of your topic here.
This stanza doesn't make sense. The last line makes more sense than the first and second.
This is much better than the first, second, and third stanzas. Although, I will make this note that you capitalize a too often, and that could easily be changed. This doesn't go for just this stanza, but all of them.
I don't think you need to create another line after, "But, upon" and more like, "But, upon a horrible truth,". The third line isn't that poetic either. I'm not saying it isn't completely, but it should be changed.
The rhythm doesn't match, but this last stanza is the best of them all! I applaud you for that! Congrats, congrats.
This message is something not any poet could think of. I believe you are full of hopeful potential, and you should write more poems. Do not be discouraged! We reviewers will be by your side every step of the way!
Woah...that. was. an. AWESOME!!!! Poem!!!
That was super good!
I loved the way you wrote it about it like how, what you write about on the paper-affects the ways you would view the paper- (right?)
Can I inject a something that I thought didn't really fit the poem??
Well.....the title.....it just, kinda, didn't kinda show off what an awesome poem this is...I mean the title sounds so....bland..in a way... (not trying to be rude though)
It kinda reminds me of if you saw a cardboard box (not very pretty, huh?)
But then you open it and there is, like, a amazing sparkling gem inside...ya know what I mean??
Ok, so,yeah that illistration was really lame, I know, but...yeh..
Anyways...really good poem!
I meant that MY illistration was really lame..
Are you kidding? Your illustration sounds awesome!
Very creative poem you have here! Great imagery and such.
I like how you describe everything, and you really bring me into the poem with that second word: "Finesse". It's unusual, and it's creative. I like reading poetry with unusual vocabulary. I am trying to incorporate that in my poetry as well, now.
I would like to see more of this amazing vocabulary throughout this, though. If you are stuck at finding a word, go to Google and search "synonyms for (insert word)" and it should give you a nice list of creative words to use.
You have such nice form! But, the first stanza kinda messes it up. Except for the first stanza, you have this nice pattern. But I could not get into it until the third or so stanza due to the off-form of the first. I strongly suggest you change that, it would make this poem easier and therefor more enjoyable read.
Also in the first stanza, you have the second and third line which state: "(Which I've teared open, teared apart.)" In poetry, you need to be careful not to put to many of the same words close to each other. You have to be careful with this because things can start to get muddled and off sounding. In one sentence, you have "teared" twice. You should change one of them to something more...unusual.
Oh, this is just a little thing, but you have a spelling mistake on the forth stanza, last line. Note* "Imbedded" is not a word, "Embedded " is the proper spelling.
I really like how you ended it. It made me feel done and satisfied with the poem. You did a really good job with this, it is one of my favorites from Young Writers Society.
Great job, and Keep It Up!
~Rainn
Thank You! I've corrected the misspelling and changed one of the 'teared' in the sentence.