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140,213 Literary Works • 673,043 Reviews
Barnyard Reviews: A Review For You ("Thoughts Released" by Ary)
Beginning as a testament to the discerning eye of youth and bridging the gap between dogma and free thinking, the poem "Thoughts Released" by the ever-poetic Ary shows us a startling account of the dedication it takes to see life through to its fullest, something that can never be completed with time left. It teaches us that life is eternal in its triumph and failure, in it's idea that we are ascending a ladder, and to get close enough to the top rung, we need to "walk until [our] body dries," to try our best to prove ourselves in this life so that when we must disconnect our hands from the ladder, we have the shortest way to ascend to greater heights. This piece is particularly meaningful, because in a society where a common thought is steadily emerging that life is meaningless, this poem shouts its worth to us with the last line brazenly saying, "Time was never wasted with our decisions of reality." In a culture of counterculture, this piece is decidedly among the stronger of modern messages, as it reminds us of the purpose of our existence in the first place.
The writing style itself is quite fluent and the language is very imagery filled and satisfying. There is a kind of completeness to the piece that not many pull off with good taste, and there is a definite evolution, or if not, clarification, an emergent meaning in the poem, and that is good. Although unintentional, the paragraph format of the poem is refreshing, and it is always good to occasionally read poetry in this format, as it gives you more independence with interpretation, save for the pauses indicated by punctuation. As for the grammar and diction, perfection is not the focus, and this gives it a familiar, conversational feel, the evidence of which includes the first line of "Questions I ask, answers don't have."
If I were to meet the author of this poem in person, perhaps at some type of book signing, I would congratulate her and perhaps suggest a lengthening or perhaps a debasing. The one flaw I saw in this piece was its tendency to go too conceptual in its description. It's always good to have a calling back point with some down to earth smacks to the readers faces, perhaps with an anecdote or real-life situation. It's not necessary, but it's always good.
I would recommend this to anyone seeking to find meaning in this life or those who believe in an afterlife.
8/10
Mr/Ms Moderator, I accidentally posted the below as a comment, rather than a review, and I tried to correct this by re-posting it as a review then deleting the content of the below. No spamming is in happenstance. Thank you for your diligence, though.
Deleted
Hey Ary!
This poem is wonderful I loved it so much. I usually don't get straight into the subject but here goes. I will first start of with some of the things which didn't seem right.
1. I think you should break these into paragraphs so that its easier for the reader.
2. After a comma there isn't a capitol letter.
3. Make these into shorter sentences.
Now lets move on to the correct things. Usually I find heaps of mistakes in other poem but in this one was a hard one I tried my best to find a mistake. So here are the good things.
1. All your sentences make sense. (Usually at least I find one sentence which dosen't make sense but all your sentences were making sense).
2. You make the reader feel like these are your thoughts.(are they your thoughts?).
3. Your whole poem goes with your title.
I think that's about it. May I ask you one more question what team are you in blue,yellow, green or red if blue go blue.
Specifics
Lovely line! I also really like the concept of: That's a really striking thought and rings very true as dreams are often there to give us answers we already have but can't yet show to ourselves or understand in their rawest form. Very nicely put together.1. I like this but I feel there are a few places you could play with words even more. For example, the second 'line' I feel should be 'Answers don't' and stop there because the fragmentation is more effective and more confusing while still making sense in an abstract way. I think that fits better both with the line before and after it.
2. You need to work on the flow just a little more. Some of these lines feel like they come out of nowhere so try to connect them up to each other a bit more.
3.
4. You're the tiniest bit too wory in places and it drags on your flow. One line that stood out to me was: I'd suggest cutting out little. It doesn't add anything to the description and is a bland, two-syllable word that feels heavy when you compare this to other lines.
5. You're losing it a bit. There's more rhyme and more preaching and less witticisms and cleverness. If you open a poem out on such a firm footing, you need to continue on in that way or risk losing your audience. None of this part:
has much meaning for me. It feels like you've lured me in with the word play and the fun but then you're passing me a bible and saying 'read this'. The theme isn't what bothers me as I'm okay with religious poetry, but you need to keep up the tongue in cheek sort of banter that you had going earlier otherwise you're trying to play to two different audiences and not keeping either happy.
Overall
The start of this is great and you have an excellent command over language and flow, but you lose it halfway through and I'm left floundering a bit. There's a few lines here and there which still catch my eye - 'dreams to make us drown' but the images aren't as well fleshed out or connected together and there isn't the same use of half rhymes or mind play that you have in the earlier section.
Hopefully that will help you a little and feel free to ask questions or let me know if you'd like me to take another look; I'm always happy to explain myself further or read a re-write.
Heather xx
This is a strong piece. I can really connect with the points your trying to get across. I would have structured it more like a poem though. It would flow better. I really like this though. Keep writing!
I tried but I was using my phone and it wouldn't come out as a poem when I was writing it. Even if I used the Enter bar but thanks though