My grandfather isn't doing very well right now, and it's hit harder than I expected it to. This poem isn't working out; I wanted to convey exactly how much I love him, appreciate him, and don't want to do without him to give him a little incentive to hang on just a bit longer. Any help is appreciated.
For Papa
The postal workers know you by name,
And the seat-stealers at church cringe at the sight of you.
But your granddaughters know you as the man:
Who has to have his bib,
Who would tell the Pope what to do,
Who raised three wonderful fathers.
You’re the man:
Who can’t pick a lane,
Who still has a mouth like the railroad man you are,
Who gives selflessly,
Who understands that the best things in life are like a broken drum.
You’re the only seventy-nine year old who can
speed
From zero to sixty
In under four seconds.
You’re the man who can’t stay on the same topic for too long,
Because there’s so much to hear, say, and see
And you don’t want to miss an instant.
You’re the man who sees everything as
Beautiful
Because you’ve lived long enough to understand
How precious life truly is.
You always have to ask,
“How’s your mama and them?”
And it never fails to elicit giggles from the backseat,
Nor odd looks from befuddled passersby.
You’re the encyclopedia of worthless information,
The great spoiler of grandchildren,
The best friend of wide-eyed little girls,
The man who plays “Mother May I” like no other.
And I am grateful for this gift,
This blessing,
This one special life:
Papa.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I love the emotion in this poem. Even without actually seeing your grandfather, I feel almost like I've met him. Good Job! Perhaps a little more rhyme would have been in place, however the mood is still captured perfectly.
How sweet! Keep up the good work!
sarah-- Oh, he is, LOL.
You should post the poem about your grandfather. Grandpa's are so great.
dynasty cow-- thank you for reading!
bob-- you should read my stuff when you're tired more often; that way I don't have to cringe in fear every time I see your name on the replies for the threads.
Doe-- I'm glad you got that too. Thank you for reading!
Leanah-- Thanks! And welcome to the YWS. I hope you're enjoying it so far. PM me if you need anything, okay?
=D> Nice work!
This is really nice. The 'worthless information' part made him who he is and I can relate to that (I know someone just like that).
Eep, no! Keep the worthless information, it's the whole *point* of the thing, it's who he is.
there aren't too many.
I might be able to find something else if I wasn't so tired, but I reckon you've pretty much done everything to a high standard; good work. I think I've got a poem to my grandpa hanging around here somewhere; I got the same feeling from this one, which is perfect, because it means you're getting people on the right wavelength. Good job.
OK, I liked this - I'll pick out my critiques, now
Firstly, your colons: I don't think you need them after the two "man" parts in the second and third verses - it's not grammatically correct, and actually, you want people to read straight on through there without pausing. I'd say have no punctual stops there at all.
Your rhythm - I wasn't especially pleased with it in certain places. Most notably, the third verse: the imagery is, as people have said, really powerful - you're damaging it because it doesn't read well with the lines being such different lengths. My suggestion is that you either lengthen the short lines, or (probably better, because the words are great as they are) make those long ones into two seperate lines.
Actually, I tell a lie - apart from that, the rhythm wasn't too bad at all; it read like good free verse, which is what it is.
The speed stanza was a personal favorite; my grandpa is *exactly* like that.
Anyway, that's pretty much it
try and get this published , seriously . but before you do take out the bit about worthless information and put life wisdom. only a suggestion. well done , i showed this to my mum and she nearly cryed .
I think it's really sweet, he sounds quite a character!
Hehe, Nox, isn't it the truth...
Thank you, CL! I'm going to look over it later when I can be mean. When I wrote it I was too upset to think much about line breaks and jazz. Thank you for your help.
The postal workers know you by name,
And the seat-stealers at church cringe at the sight of you. - stylistically something feels off about this line maybe break it into two ...at church / cringe at ... but that's just me.
But your granddaughters know you as the man:
Who has to have his bib,
Who would tell the Pope what to do,
Who raised three wonderful fathers.
You’re the man:
Who can’t pick a lane,
Who still has a mouth like the railroad man you are,
Who gives selflessly,
Who understands that the best things in life are like a broken drum.
- wow powerful imagery there and in the last two stanzas, dear.
You’re the only seventy-nine year old who can
speed
From zero to sixty
In under four seconds. - hehheh...
You’re the man who can’t stay on the same topic for too long,
Because there’s so much to hear, say, and see
And you don’t want to miss an instant.
You’re the man who sees everything as
Beautiful
Because you’ve lived long enough to understand
How precious life truly is. - nice sentiment...
You always have to ask,
“How’s your mama and them?”
And it never fails to elicit giggles from the backseat,
Nor odd looks from befuddled passersby.
You’re the encyclopedia of worthless information,
The great spoiler of grandchildren,
The best friend of wide-eyed little girls,
The man who plays “Mother May I” like no other.
- I love this stanza, its so personal...
And I am grateful for this gift,
This blessing,
This one special life:
Papa. - I am having conflicting thoughts on this last word, part of me thinks it should be 'You' instead, other say leave it how it is.
Overall, very heartfelt, with great imagery. I think you might want to think so of those longer line-breaks but that's just my personal feeling.
Hugs CL
What can I say, this was well written.
When you wrote 'You're the encyclopedia of worthless information' I was remimnded of my own grandma who tells me anything and everything even if I don't want to know.
I'm sure your Grandpa will like this.
Well as long as someone can feel the emotion behind it, I'll let my dad look at it then give to my Papa. Thank you all for your help.
Awh, I love this.
I'm not really one for pointing out grammatical errors and whatever on personal pieces--leave the writing to the heart, not the head is my philosophy. And I did hear your heart speak throughout this, no doubt there. Through all the images you used, I feel like I really know this man, even though, realistically, I know nothing about him. I can feel the admiration and intense love you have for him behind your words. It really is a beautiful tribute.
Top notch writing, Ari.
I have to disagree with Snoink. I think the opening is very strong. DO NOT change the opening. The beautr of this poem cannot be fully understood by us, because it is of a very personal nature. But even then, we can still glimpse your love for your pop-pop. That is the beauty. If your goal were to tell us the audience about your love, then you would approach this poem differently, perhaps more generally in the sense that we obviously would not get the inside jokes. But I found this to be a very good poem.
Nope, he's got a bib. And he sits at the dinner table calling to by grandmother, "Bib! Maxine, bring my bib! Bib!"
Trust me, a lot of the stuff that doesn't make any sense has a meaning he'll get.
... No help from Snoink? *sigh* Oh, but I will fix the opening. Thanks.
The opening isn't quite that strong.
The seat-stealers line just sounds too long and doesn't quite fit. Maybe if you break it up in two lines, it'll be better?
Unless it means something special, pick another word. Babies have bibs; men don't.
Otherwise, nice poem. I wish I could help you more...
Ahh, well I didn't know - sorry
Perhaps you should mention the friend? I don't know, but otherwise people will think it's a mean comment as well.
You're welcome for reading
A lot of this is inside jokes and things that happened; one day one of his old guy friends told him he was an encyclopedia of worthless information and he says that all the time now and just laughs and laughs, because he knows it's true. He can tell you the most random facts, but the other day got Benedict Arnold and Alexander Hamilton all mixed up.
Thanks for reading, TBR.
This was sweet...
"You’re the encyclopedia of worthless information,"
I didn't really get teh tone, from what I got it was an annoyed one. Worthless? Or just wise?
Because that line seemed to ruin it, it made my heart sort of stop.
Everything else was pretty, I can't say much
I wish him luck, from what it sounds like, from 0-60 under 4, he's a tough guy, he'll beat anything near death, then will laugh at death.
*Tries to lighten the mood*