she walks in the beauty of the sun,
bare feet padding softly on the cool dirt
fingers skimming the tops of the tall grass
her laughter floats over the field
and the clouds smile down on her
holding back their inevitable rain
she twirls
happier than the most jubilant of children
displaying a smile that refuses to depart
her hair shining as it falls
eyes sparkling like the stars to come:
the perfection of a woman in love
the storm
comes softly on horseback
unexpected
she turns, the smile fading
the news comes by way of a young man:
a boy much like the one she is losing
“he fought bravely” is all she hears
before falling to the ground
her fist clenched as she beats her breast
the sky is now dark
she hears thunder and sees the flash of jagged lightening
in the sky that before was joyful with her
now her tears fall
unnoticed
onto that same cool dirt that before she tread in anticipation
and now sobs on in pain
the message-bearers are gone
and she is alone, face tearstained
pain easily visible on her angelic face:
the agony of a woman who has lost everything
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
it was flat in some parts.
but great in others.
loved the change in moods.
OOOH!
I finally get the title!
*slaps forehead*
Ahh, my interpretation:
guy likes girl (before poem starts)>love hides all flaws, o'course>another guy comes on horseback, apparently very loudly and windy (couldn't resist)...and...maybe his twin brother? that came 58% out of nowhere, but bear with me>windy guy tells pretty girl that her...boyfriend, i guess...is dead>girl is sad
Now that I look at it...it's very black and white. I think it could be better (Jack) if you made it more complex, more different, instead of your cut-and-dried generic wartime love story. Add some more flesh to it. You don't need more detail, you have that down pat, but you need more of a story. You can keep the abstract flow, but I think you need more interest.
I know...ADD SOME PARMESAN CHEESE! EVERYBODY LOVES PARMESAN CHEESE!
*before reading was prepared to give seventeen-paragraph-long harsh critique about how horrible the poem was, but jaw now rests on floor in shock*
Well done, Ari!
(if I may call you that teehee)
A beautiful poem! I really enjoyed reading it.
How sad! Beautiful images at the beginning, and it all flowed very smoothly to it's conclusion.
heres my present...I hope it's legible enough.
CL
"now her tears fall
unnoticed "
The unnoticed was kind of weird.. I don't know, it didn't seem necessary to me.
The poem was really nicely written and I liked it. The beginning reminded me of your avatar...
Hehe...thanks Crysi.
I love it. It's absolutely beautiful!
CL-- Wow... that sounds like my poem's about to be ripped to shreds...LOL... but go right ahead. I'm definitely no poet, so if you're willing to help I'll take any and all constructive criticism.
Hmm...I'll have to rethink that line. It's not my favourite either.
Jack-- Haha, made you like it!
Arvy-- Thank thee. *curtseys*
Thanks for reading, everyone.
Um...Im not much of a crit, esspecially when it comes to poems, but I liked it. A bit spit n shine here and there and it will be great. Reminds me of macedonian folk songs. Many of them have similar concepts
This was one of those poems that is actually pretty cliched and basic - laying up something good only for it to fail - but which was written in such a "nice" way that I couldn't help but like it.
I didn't think this stanza:
was darmatic enough for the effect you seemed to have in mind. This is supposed to be one of the turning points in the poem but is actually in fact one of the weakest parts.
so areida, I feel that this poem needs a proper crit. from me, so I am working on one. I'll have it the earliest tomorrow morning.
so far from just reading it over I really like it.
CL
*shrugs* I kind of left the time period open to interpretation. Sometimes it's more fun when things are left to the imagination, rather than having everything spoon-fed. Thanks for reading, though, Chev. You're an awesome poet. I'm horrible at it, but recently I've come to enjoy it more
For some reason when I read this poem, I thought about the Civil War...I have noooo idea why...