Young Writers Society

Wow this was so lovely...
Ooh, that's so great of Diana to do.
(thank you for kiling the collideiwhtcombatboots thing before i read it... otherwise I would have been confused.)

Yay for critiques! You people are seriously awesome.

I'm killing the collidewithcombatboots thingy. I was trying to pull it off, but as we can all see that just didn't work out. Like Sambo said, some people can do it, and some can't. I most definitely fall into the latter category, LOL.

I'm also rewording the second and last stanzas... and the picture one... and the one about all the people I can't remember... LOL, heck I'll be rewording the whole thing. Thanks for y'all's feedback. It's really given me some ideas.

wow, Ari.


Visions of pink Care Bears called “Rainbow”
And movie scenes in black and white
Dance across my mind before they
Collidewithcombatboots and camouflage paint smeared across your cheeks
yeah, I agree with Sam, too, the combat boots line sounds out of place, and that entire line, too wordy.

Clinging to a cell phone and typing frantically
My eyes glued to a glowing blue screen; the only connection with a best friend so far away
so are you on the phone and computer at the same time, or texting her? confusing there, and the last line, again, too long

Names I can’t remember
Of people that I’ve never met hehe, love these first two lines
Mix and mingle and confuse themselves in my mind until I’ve forgotten every last one ok, stopping at mind could help the wordiness here, I think, and then either shorten the rest, omit, or perhaps a new line..
But they’re still people you care about the "you" is a bit ocnfusing. took me a minute to realise you meant diana, not the reader..
Passionately , ok, just me, i generally don't like one word lines, and here I think its choppy, but I'm already biased against one worders, so take that with a grain of salt
Like you do everything else

Your room is still a burst of stars and burgundy
Purple pillows and cream-colored walls
It’s full of you
But now overflowing with muted sorrow
At being left behind--
Like me
not sure about the last line, or the frist two words of the stanza, other than that.. yeah.

Smiling faces ignore me as they beam for the entire world to see
Hanging off your walls
Sitting on your dresser
Mocking me with silent laughter
Motion and ~light~ and color stuck for all time
In the same place
oh.. fun. first line is a little long, and the first part of the line doesn't seem quite right.. can't quite put my finger on it, though..

There’s a calendar on my wall
Marked only by dashes of red that signify the passing days ok, this is just me, but stopping at red works, too, I think. I mean, why else would you mark a calendar if not to mark passage of time? and since this is about your sister, it follows its her return you're counting down to.
Too long
Too much time until November

I bury my face into a Tigger
Its face worn from so many years of kisses and tears
And I allow myself to grieve
To miss the friend ack, I agree with Sam again. over-the-top.
Stolen away to her new and exciting life all too soon

all too soon is right. Yes, I went into nit-pick mode. Mostly becuase I would get drawn in, and then something felt awkward, then i'd get in again, awkward again, etc. and I liked this, and I go over-board on things I like.

Good, Ari, good.

First, I just have to say that I loved this. I get the feeling that you and I have a lot in common, because my sister has recently gone to college, and she was my best friend a year ago before she left. She came back for the summer and it was sort of the same but not exactly and we both knew that we'd missed pieces of each other's lives. This poem is so perfect for some of how I've been thinking lately. You really did a great job of putting it down on paper.

But moving on...

"Visions of pink Care Bears called “Rainbow”
And movie scenes in black and white
Dance across my mind before they
Collidewithcombatboots and camouflage paint smeared across your cheeks"

I have to agree with Sam here, that I don't think that those words mashed together in that last line work very well. I like the line, but I think you should put spaces in. But then, I don't particularly like this new trend that seems to be popping up.

"Names I can’t remember
Of people that I’ve never met
Mix and mingle and confuse themselves in my mind until I’ve forgotten every last one
But they’re still people you care about
Passionately
Like you do everything else'

This verse I find particularly true. It hit so close to home and for a minute I thought I was going to cry. Fantastic job.

"Smiling faces ignore me as they beam for the entire world to see
Hanging off your walls
Sitting on your dresser
Mocking me with silent laughter
Motion and ~light~ and color stuck for all time
In the same place"

I love how you off set motion, light and color. The text seemed to match each word really well. I have no idea how you wrote it on paper, but this looks really good.

"There’s a calendar on my wall
Marked only by dashes of red that signify the passing days
Too long
Too much time until November"

Once again, you captured my thoughts perfectly, in looking back over the days that have already passed (in my case a stack of papers torn off my desk calendar), and thinking about how many more have to come before she's back home.

"I bury my face into a Tigger
Its face worn from so many years of kisses and tears
And I allow myself to grieve
To miss the friend
Stolen away to her new and exciting life all too soon"

I think the ending came off really strong, and the last three words were perfect: all too soon.

'Motion and ~light~ and color stuck for all time'

That's pretty cool, not awesome, but it's nice to see something different, right?

The last line is really cool, but this 'And I allow myself to grieve
To miss the friend' is reallllllly cheesy.

'And I allow myself to miss the friend' would be okay. Not great, but better.

This is nice. You can really tell there's some feeling behind it, and with a little work you can really bring that out.

'Collidewithcombatboots'

Gah. I could seriously strangle whoever started that trend...some people can do that correctly, most people can't (such as myself ). It speeds the poem up for no reason and then it slows down and we go, 'Bummer, man.' 'Collide with combatboots' would be okay, but it's just an eyesore for now. Only use it for groups of nouns, if at all.

'Clinging to a cell phone and typing frantically
My eyes glued to a glowing blue screen; the only connection with a best friend so far away '

This is pretty cool, and obviously meaningful, but it's too long to truly leave an impact.

'Clinging to a cell phone
the only connection with a best friend so far away'

You can't get much contact out of text messaging, so I'm assuming you're talking, right? (most people talk with the phone on their ear. )

Grr..stupid computer...hang on a second..