z

Young Writers Society



West Point Fairy Tale

by Areida


Posted this one on TSR but I figured I might as well re-post it over here.

**

West Point Fairy Tale

Stop that--
I can't breathe when you're looking at me like that.
My face is on fire and my heart is slamming against my ribcage,
But I can't look away from you.

You're asking me a question, but my God,
Am I supposed to be able to hear you?
I can't hear anything because I'm drowning
In the smell, the feel, the warmth of you.

The music and the bodies around us
Are pumping and swaying suggestively
Lights flash
And the masses of hormone-crazed teenagers let loose a shout.
But for all I know we could be dancing
In some once-upon-a-time ballroom
Far removed from this anti-romance atmosphere.

Why are you taking off your gloves?
Because that will mean--
Your hands are around mine now, and it's happening again:
I can't draw air into my lungs.
Inhale, exhale
I've only been doing it for sixteen years but suddenly I'm re-learning everything.

"I'm going to consider this my first real slow dance,"
I say without thinking, in the middle of a song I'm not listening to.
Your mouth tips in a half-smile, and you inform me that
This is not a real slow dance.
But this is, and you're pulling my body against yours
And I'm closer to you than I've ever been to anyone
And it's true, what they say about bodies molding and fitting every curve
And it's true that the breath is stolen from your throat
And it's true that sometimes gasps are involuntary.

"Too close?" you ask with that same knowing grin
And there is cold air rushing in to replace the heat
That has filled every part of me.
And my pulse is pounding in my throat and wrists and
I just know you can feel it and it only makes me
blush harder.

You lied, you know,
When you assured my sister that you are safe
Merely because you're taken.
You're dangerous
Because you're making me think things I shouldn't be thinking
And you're making me feel things I shouldn't be feeling.
You're forcing me to memorize you:
Your voice and your hands and your mouth
To cling to every sensation:
The bump of a leg, the warmth of a hand on my back, the cool air on my bare arms
Because I'm saturating myself in this night;
This could never happen again.

And when the proverbial clock tolls midnight
And my coach comes to whisk me away from my one night of romance,
You catch my hand before I walk away
Pull me closer
Press your lips to my hand
And I marvel that the tradition had ever fallen out of practice.

Tall and solid
With a heart-melting smile
And "may I fall into your arms?" brown eyes
You visited my dreams for weeks and distracted me from schoolwork for months.
And it was perfect:
My West Point fairy tale.


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Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:32 am
Areida says...



Clau, you're my hero. :D

I really loved your critique. I mean, your critiques are always a pleasure, because you're so thorough and thoughtful and careful to cover everything. But this was just a blast for me. It was like talking through it with you. So cool! Thanks again for taking the time to do it. Your voice makes me happy. :mrgreen:

(Oh, and I do agree with you, about the verses. It just sort of came out in poem form whenever I wrote it, but I've been thinking for a long time about how I would convert it to prose. I think it would be better that way, but I don't want to clutter it with recollections about the experience that would detract from the overall feeling. So yes, definitely still a work-in-progress.)




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Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:48 am
Areida says...



Gee, imagine you, sounding American. As if you are one or something. :P

I've heard the first few seconds of it, but now I'm having trouble getting it to load. Do you think you could try uploading it somewhere else?

Hehe, I'm totally excited about my audio critique!




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Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:34 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



Hah, here is your critique:

critique.wav - 11.28MB

Just a note, at one part it kind of cut out? I say "Seventh stanza". I say um a lot, and sound really American :-p I'm also having trouble breathing? So it's weird.

Enjoy! hope I helped and didn't ramble you to death.




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Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:30 am
Areida says...



That's probably the problem with it. I really should just sit down and force it to be a flash fiction sort of thing.

So yeah, I agree with you. Thanks for commenting!




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Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:20 am
Leja says...



It's very... conversational. It almost seems informal, but maybe I just haven't read such a style for a while [sorry, I didn't intend to rhyme]. I usually associate that style with prose. It's a nice image, but I'm not sure how it goes as a poem.




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Sun Jul 22, 2007 12:45 am
Areida says...



electricbluemonkey wrote:I was digging though your portfolio and found this piece, with virtually no replies. I think it would work better as flash fiction or prose. Also, the title fits well.

Yeah, I think you're right. I've considered that ever since writing this, but haven't gotten around to it.

Thanks for your other comments, too, EBM. It's really a high compliment to get such good feedback from you. :D


Jasmine Hart - Thanks for reading and commenting! I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration whenever I get around to editing this. :)




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Thu Jul 19, 2007 1:23 pm
Jasmine Hart wrote a review...



Overall, I thought that it was great. I thought that the first verse was a little cliche, eg "My face is on fire....ribcage." The second may also be considered a little cliche, though not so much as teh former. The third was amazing, you really channeled the atmosphere and the emotion into it. The fourth was powerful and fresh, and the gloves were a great touch. The next stanza was perfect too, and the dialogue really brought it to life.All of the "it's true" lines were great.
I loved the next stanza too, but I wouldn't put "blush" in italics, I'm not sure it's totally neccessary. The next stanza is fine, the following one amazing, beautiful language, especially in lines one two and six. The ending is nice, but I think that the second line of that stanza isn't altogether fresh.
All in all, good job.




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Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:58 am
electricbluemonkey wrote a review...



I was digging though your portfolio and found this piece, with virtually no replies. I think it would work better as flash fiction or prose. Also, the title fits well

Areida wrote:Stop that--
I can't breathe when you're looking at me like that.
My face is on fire and my heart is slamming against my ribcage,
But I can't look away from you.


Ha, off to a good started. The abrupt first line really pulls the reader in. I don't really like the 'my face is on fire' part. Seems kinda...weird. Like you exponentially increasing acne.

Areida wrote:The music and the bodies around us
Are pumping and swaying suggestively
Lights flash
And the masses of hormone-crazed teenagers let loose a shout.
But for all I know we could be dancing
In some once-upon-a-time ballroom
Far removed from this anti-romance atmosphere.


Probably the best and most powerful stanza. I especially like the fourth line.

Areida wrote:I can't draw air into my lungs.
Inhale, exhale
I've only been doing it for sixteen years but suddenly I'm re-learning everything.


Haha, I lolzed. But why is 'everything' all alone in its own line?

Areida wrote:And I'm closer to you than I've ever been to anyone
And it's true, what they say about bodies molding and fitting every curve
And it's true that the breath is stolen from your throat
And it's true that sometimes gasps are involuntary.


I like the effects of all the 'and's, but where are the commas?




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Tue Aug 22, 2006 3:30 pm
Areida says...



Wow, didn't even see that response. Whoops.

But thanks, Rebelle. :)




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Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:52 pm
Rebelle wrote a review...



I liked it, the romance of it. Very good descriptions, and the only problem I had was the first few lines of the second stanza. They didn't seem to fit with the whole absorbed into him feeling of the rest of the piece. I liked how you worked fairy-tale references throughout the whole poem to bring the title into play and make it more... magical I guess.

Great work. =)





The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte