threadbare

Whoops just stopping by since I saw whatcha reviewed this - and have to say,

"some teary-eyed, violin-voiced man who never
found the one"

Hi there Arc! Don't mind me casually digging through your old poems, I'm just here for a review in the spirit of #RevMo .

Wow. I love the nostalgic tone and imagery you use throughout, especially in lines such as "who liked the world better as a blur // passing him by". Your descriptions for the most part are really original and fresh, and I haven't read them anywhere before, but at the same time it feels like they're calling back memories from the corners of my mind. Does that even make sense? Like I'd never think to describe something as "double-wrapped in brown paper bags", but it fits so perfectly. So by far, your imagery is my favourite part of this poem.

I like the formatting, as well; I can't say that I can find much hidden meaning in it, but it does compliment the mood of the piece, and honestly, there's nothing wrong with using formatting just for visual appeal. Which there is - I really like the shape of this poem, and something about it does almost seem like a passing blur out the window.

I do think it would be interesting if the final line, "he must've been so ready to go", was written a bit further down the page, so there's more white space between it and the previous line. Just to really emphasize that final line, and the idea of leaving (similar to what the italics are already doing).

Critique-wise, I don't have any huge ones, just a couple of nitpicks. First (and this one's extremely little), in the line "someone had left it there-" there isn't a space before the dash, whereas in the first line there is. I would suggest adding a space there just for consistency!

_____in the back seat of the bus

it must've belonged to
_____some window-seat lover

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, first thing I notice is that well, most others covered what wrong and that it flowed rather well. I like how you your literary devices like metaphors. You had me enticed by the third line. I think my favorite line would have to be "some teary eyed, violin-voiced man who never found the one" That line really makes the reader think about what had happened to this man in hid life to just stop. Stop living his life.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that a man or woman was ready to leave this world, especially after some one the loved left them during such a hard time in there life. You found the least of them sitting in the back of a bus, the little bit that was left poorly put together and all you can do is wonder what had happened to them after you found it. All you can do is hope that they are okay, still here, in this world and flourishing by now. You could see the struggle of the man or woman and you could see that they trie dos hard to hold onto the little bit of goo that they had left. Maybe it was a stranger, or a friend of yours but you know that they aren't okay. You know that they may or may not be on this planet any more.

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Arcticus, I am excited about this because, to put it simply, you are a chic swimsuit model when it comes to YWS poetry, and I never get to give my notes on your writing. Today, things are different, and I want to give you the best possible experience I can, so let's get to it.

First-off should be obvious--your flow to me is as a fine silk. Your line breaks, word choice, and use of white space are all gorgeously woven with imagery that allows for that soft jazz tone of your poetic voice. Some Siken, some Moon. You weren't wrong.

"I found a torn-up heart - / threadbare, / double-wrapped / in brown paper bags // someone had left it there- / in the back seat of the bus"

This shows me a curiosity for the narrator immediately. A head-tilt, knowing and perhaps "I've had this heart" for his own that reached out to me and pulled me in greater than the bare sum of the opening. So we'll consider it the sum. This is the type of intro I praise because it is not explosive, but rather gorges itself over time and allows us to collectively love it; and gives reread value.

"it must've belonged to / some window-seat lover / connoisseur of rain-kissed glass-windows / who liked the world better as a blur / passing him by // some teary-eyed, violin-voiced man who never / found the one"

Stanza three is purely gorgeous in its imagery. Cold. Lonesome in stanza four. But no! The lonesomeness comes in stanza three as well, and you weave it in with the cold. It's nearly existential, how you give it to us, but at this point I want to know what the narrator thinks. Or do we get enough of that in the final line? I'm in a constant debate over this, and I think that's marketable.

he must've been so ready to go

Too chilling, but so fitting for what you've set up throughout the poem. Masterful work, Arcticus.

A few final notes regarding the white spacing tests: I would possibly mess around with the entry point of "connoisseur" maybe further back possibly one tab or a half--it may not make much difference at all. And "halfway" I believe could benefit from dangling from "needlework" as a lone line.

I truly loved this. All my best,
Ty

This poem is GREAT! The second I finished the first line, I knew this would be one of the best poems I have ever reviewed in my entire career on YWS! That deserves a follow right off the bat, no review necessary! However, I do want to go over how great your work is for another five minutes, so let's go!

First of all, your title is great! It creates a great comparison between what it is like to have run out of thread, and what it is like to have run out of reasons to live and continue to exist in a meaningless world of endless pain and let-downs. At least, that's how depression see sit. I love how you create this subtle comparison during the entire poem. You tie repairing a broken soul to needlework, depression to being threadbare, and even implying that the heart was bleeding to begin with my stating that it was patched up with improvised bandages (paper bags) that could not keep the heart alive for long without stitches! This is wonderful!

The part where you say "he must've been ready to go" is reinforcing the implied fact that this man is broken inside, that he prefers to skip over life and leap over gaps he is presented with by leaping over them. To do this, he looks at life like a blur, watching through the window he has created for himself in his mind, separating his never-ending depression and lack off will to live from his living and slowly dying heart. These are the rain-kissed glass-windows that he is talking about! The lowercase style also adds to the theme that he is depressed and pushed beyond the point of breaking and is now speaking so softly to himself he can not force the energy to break out of his violin voice to try and fix himself. He's gone.

This is amazing poetry, keep writing and have a happy Review Day!

-ZeldaIsShiek