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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
All right, bruh, you asked for brutal, so here we go. *fires up the grill*
Either take this out or change the word "beautiful" because "beautiful" really means nothing except that one person finds it pleasing. Find a more descriptive word. I would probably describe this poem as fragile, or delicate. I feel like this opening line describes the entire poem itself, making it unneeded, or at the least, misworded.Dang son, you were right, this is sappy. I did enjoy parts of it, but overall it felt way more self-indulgent than I'm used to seeing from you, and I think the poem kind of suffers for it.
The theme is great. It's not something that you find all the time, and you do get your point across. That being said, it needs some work.
If you take out the first line, you'll have to change the structure of this sentence here. Furthermore, you could say what you mean with a lot fewer words than you use here, and in a more pleasing way. I would probably rewrite this to say something like
"there were centuries
spent entirely in the company of shadows."
1) I'm not digging that you started this with "and." It just kinda throws off the flow, you know?
2) "method to my madness" might be an idiom, but idioms are just cliches that have transcended disgust and crossed over into cultural meaning. I would suggest finding another way to say this.
3) I'm really iffy about breaking the line on I, though it's not necessarily bad here.
4) take out the third and fourth lines, and just have it read
"as I
chiseled my loneliness to perfection"
Man, I wish you had broken the line in a different place. I like this line a lot, but I think it would be better if you either kept "in motion" attached to the previous line, or if you broke the line after "sounds" instead.
I always appreciate experimentation with metaphor and words, but honestly, I don't get this line at all.
Apart from this image being incredibly sappy-romantic, I'm unsure how a silver cup could float in a lake. But for real, I'd really like you to find a different image to get your point across. This is really too much for me. It reminds me of my entire aesthetic when I was in 8th grade. Heartbroken, lonely, and romanticizing the heck out of everything I shouldn't.
To be honest, I don't really have any criticism for the last bit. It's the strongest part of the poem. The beginning and middle are a little rough, though, so get out the red pen! I hope that this review proves useful to you! I really did enjoy this poem, so don't take the grill marks too personally xD Keep poeting!
You've roasted this properly and I love you for that <3
This poem is not my usual writing style at all, please forgive the sappy sappiness, I actually wrote it really quickly without putting a lot of thought/effort into working on it.
Wow. I felt this so deeply. Beautiful.
Hello there just hipstersquid popping in to review some poetry.
Okay first of all let me start by saying Wow. I got lost in your worlds. I very much enjoyed this piece the descriptions on it truly blew me away. I also think you used the italics very well to emphasize important pieces to the story. My favorite part would have had to been where you mentioned building up your fortress so no one could break through. This part touched me personally the most because I build up walls to lock my heart away so no one can try and break into it and tamper with what makes me. Me. Again thank you so much for sharing this beautiful piece!!!
Hello there I m Kostia, here to give you a brief review for your poem.
I want to start by saying I liked this poem it's very expressive and the symbolism fits in very nicely. I really liked your style it is dark and delicate.
Your vocabulary is strong and lovely.
As I read this it inspired deep feelings to me and I can say with certainty that I can relate to what you are trying to say here.
You have mentioned strongly throughout the text the struggle for self discovery and how someone can become distant from the world and isolated to oneself due to pain or dramatic experiences.
In this poem you have underlined the importance of solitude in order to make better sense of ones character. However you also mention the need for human connection (in this case love), the constant seeking for affection and interaction even if it is not directly expressed and it is desired in an internal and covert manner.
I loved the last stanza it was a lovely way to close up your poem and I liked the fact that you chose to put the last two verses in a separate stanza.
"the iron gates reaching out
to be broken"
It came out pretty strong.
Other than that I don't have much to note here. You didn't use rhymes in your poem which doesn't bother me at all.
It's a highly expressive piece, I can see potential in you and I d love to see more of your work.
Make sure to keep writing
This poem is absolutely beautiful. Everything from the phrasing to the structure took my breath away. Your description of solitude is so unique. Even through your description of the walls you have built, your tone reveals the sensitive self contained within, that this defensiveness and isolation are the only things you have to protect the softness longing for love.
There was only one error- the spelling of ecstasy was incorrect. I just wanted to let you know.
Otherwise, I loved everything about it. The ending provides both hope for the lonely heart and reveals the purpose of the solitude you have just described.
Great job!