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Shirin says to Khosrow

by Arcticus

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Wed Apr 26, 2017 11:51 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I saw that this was still in the Green Room, which is reasonable because even I am intimidated to review this because it is so lovely and flawless, but I will do my best to serve this wonderful poem. The main complaint I have for the piece is the folklore, in a way.

I don't hate the folklore being in the piece in itself since that's the main compartment, rather that some of these are not as well-known and not everyone would be getting the references. Sure, Romeo and Juliet are pretty well known, but what about the others? You may, and some may, but I'd like a bit more context clues as to who these people are (they seem to be couples involved in fables or famous works), but more-so their background.

The flow in this piece is actually spectacular and I love how you incorporate the speaker and what seems to be their significant other into the poem as well. All of these lines are so beautifully put, and I have to say that I can barely even decipher which stanza is my least favorite, but I'm going to have to go with the second. Or at least the line, "Beloved, because our story is old" is one that I don't particularly like. How is it old? What is it old like? I also like how the stories almost seem to be reincarnations of each other in some way, and a portion of them seem to be tragic ones, such as Romeo and Juliet.

Overall, this poem is lovely and if you have the chance, I'd suggest editing it through the parts that are a little weaker (which is scarce) and eventually go for publishing this one? No pressure, of course, but I really loved the piece and I think it has that potential. As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask, and have a wonderful day!

Arcticus says...

Kayla's reviews are ze best. Thanks!

Hey, these are all famous stories! Anyone from the Arab world and as far as India and Central Asia knows the tale of Layla and Majnun, Shirin and Khosrow, these are almost legends. Similarly Zhu and Liang's story is known throughout China and wherever Chinese folklore has gone, I could say the same about others, each of them as as famous in their own zones as Romeo and Juliet's story is famous in the western world.

But I get why some of these names may sound alien to many western readers, but I think that irrespective of where the reader comes from, they can understand the underlying theme of the poem, which isn't about Romeo and Juliet or Shirin and Khosrow, it's a celebration of love between two people, and also about their separation - which seems to be the thing common to most of these tales, isn't that kind of beautiful?

Thanks for your review!

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475 Reviews

Points: 1461
Reviews: 475

Fri Apr 07, 2017 8:13 am
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Apricity says...

can I just say how much I love this, all the references to the different love stories in different cultures/languages and the language itself is so gorgeous <3 <3 <3

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176 Reviews

Points: 2533
Reviews: 176

Thu Apr 06, 2017 1:13 am
sheyren wrote a review...

Hey there! An uneducated Shey here for a review!

By uneducated I mean I have no idea what the context of this poem was. HOWEVER, that does not stop me from complimenting you on all the great things you did here.

Firstly, you had stanzas. This may sound crazy, but I love when people use stanzas. This is because I find it a great injustice to poetry when the post uses one huge body of poetry to convey the message. So, in short, your stanzas already made the poem ten times better, to me anyway.

Stanzas weren't the only thing with your formatting that was so perfect. You also included only a small amount of formatting, just enough to accent the poem without taking away from the message. My opinion is that poems are best formatted in moderation, because in reality, it's not what I'm here for. I'm here for a story, not to see crazy indents and line breakers everywhere.

I know I rambled on about formatting, but I hope you keep this in mind when writing poetry in the future. Maybe, hopefully, it will be even just a bit helpful. Overall, amazing poem, and keep up the great work!


Arcticus says...

Thanks for your input.

These are all love stories that are part of folklore from different parts of the world. (Shirin-Khosrow, Romeo-Juliet, Pyramus-Thisbe, Heer-Ranjha, Layla-Majnun, Zhu-Liang)

You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender