Young Writers Society

you koshur! HEY HEY HEY! Kya haz haala chaala!

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I haven't reviewed your poetry in awhile, so I thought I might as well tonight. So I think this poem is lovely, first of all, but jumping right into the first stanza, I found it interesting that you chose to refrain from using punctuation in the poem, at least in the form of ending sentences.

Also in the first stanza, I'm a little confused as to what the Dal is, but I'm going to assume that it's some form or body of water--it is, I just don't know the location of it. There's an awkward line that runs from line two through line five in the piece:

let me watch, as the day's last breeze hands me the day

Hello Autumns,

This piece was elegant and thought provoking. I loved your phrasing, which was almost melodic, and your word choice exhibited a certain grace that appealed to me. It did require some Googling; I was not familiar with a few terms, but I think I got the gist of the message conveyed.

Onto the review!

Firstly, was the #11 part of the piece? If so, I was not sure what this signified.

First Stanza: Your imagery here is strong; it brings a sense of peace. Maybe you could clarify the meaning behind "the day's last breeze hands me the day"? It lends well to the rhythm but its meaning isn't clear. I love that the day is "wrapped in a pashmina shawl, a funeral shroud".

Second Stanza: Beautiful.

Third Stanza: The second line breaks your smooth melodic rhythm a little, for me. Personally, I would try to reword it so that it flows. Thank you also for introducing the word 'shikarawala', which I had not known before reading your poem. It reminded me, at first, of a gondolier which gave an air of hospitality and romanace to this imagery, but after some futher investigation it seems that these are not tourist attractions, but actual homes? They are house boats?

Fourth and Fifth Stanza: "The silhouettes of sleepy houses..." love this.

Sixth and Seventh Stanza: Rhythm is perfect. I would probably change the word 'when' in 'when I'm closest to you' to 'where', just because you describe a place, rather than a time. A niggling sense of darkness begins here, with the speaker admitting this is the place where they feel closest to whoever they are speaking to. It leads a reader to believe that this person is not present. (Which is proven in later stanzas, so good build here.)

Seventh Stanza: I would personally eliminate 'leave me hanging' and instead make it:

"so leave me here
leave me with nothing
but a semblance of you
and let me hold onto it"

To me, this is a smoother read. I sense something of a desperation from the speaker in this stanza, that they cannot let go of this person.

Eighth Stanza: Interesting analogy, "where, where, my blood did you go?" This implies that not only is this person very much a part of the speaker, but that the speaker cannot survive without them. A little romantic and grotesque too, very nice.

Overall, excellent work Autumns! Thank you for sharing this piece, and I hope to see more of you work here of YWS! If I can answer any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM.

Write On,
Mav


Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com