I see this refugee girl
fixing a hole in her tent because
the rainwater, pouring in,
ruins all of the week's supply of sugar and flour.
Her home, the one she had to run from -
a pile of broken concrete and bricks
and she the debris that landed here.
But can you see the unbroken
pride in her, that shows
when she cooks, washes and smiles
each day? That, yes that - the way her fingers fumble
with the thread and the needle
but still manage
to stitch that hole in the tent canvas shut
and then that subtle way
her face lights up through all its
premature wrinkles,
that... that looks real to my tired mind,
there's nothing fake about it.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Fiery Salutations
This is a very powerful poem, I must say. I read it much faster than I had thought I would, but enjambment tends to do that.
I do not think girl is the best option you could have chosen, for later in the poem you mention "premature wrinkles". I understand that you said premature, but this "girl" seems to be living completely on her own. Has she lost her parents during the war from which she fled? Did they abandon her? I don't know. I simply mean to say I am slightly confused by that.
What exactly had you meant to say here? Context is a lovely thing, since I and the other readers still understand what you meant to say, but it nevertheless disrupts the fluifity of the poem.
Actually, the above is proof that I sometimes need to concentrate better. I understand now that you meant she is the debris, making it a metaphor, so it is my fault for not realising that sooner, but I think you could possibly do something to prevent others from doing the same.
These last two lines are an excellent conclusion to an excellent poem, but the comma at the end of the second-to-last line is supposed to be a semi-colon or an and.
This poem has been an excellent read, and I am glad you have a talent for writing it. Thank you for not only creating such a lovely reading experience, but also for sharing it with us.
by Team Rocket.
I'm not going to say it's a 'nice' poem because this shows just how hard life is for some people. How we complain when chocolate is one day past its best before, when there are people fumbling with a needle trying to preserve the little food they have.
Of course, you've written this beautifully. I couldn't really find a pattern, but it doesn't need one. If anything, it adds to the displacement that the poem is expressing.
This was my favourite part. The beginning seems extremely gloomy, as if the girl is about to give up. Then you mention her unbroken pride, and use the rest of the poem to prove it.
Great writing, keep it up!
So this seems to be a poetic ballad, written in the style of prose. I would suggest that you say " that subtle way that her face lights up" as it might flow better. Other than that it seems to be fine. I liked the line "and she the debris that landed here". It is a clever way of saying that the people make thw home, not the material. I liked the whole theme of determination, and accepting your situation. Accepting a new home and fixing it as needed. This is an interesting historical them. Keep writing.