Layers I will lay
upon my skeleton.
You'll never know
the cold in my bones
or the beat of my heart,
the cracks in my knees
or the smoke in my lungs
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
So, I thought this was a cool poem with a snazzy concept. I don't know if it worked so well as a short poem, however.
First off, period at the end of lungs, right? According to your seemingly consistent punctuation.
Second off, I really think you should elaborate on this. You gave pretty good imagery and descriptions here, but I think this would work really well as a longer poem. However, that is up to you.
Finally, I was little confused by the line saying "or the beat of my heart." The other descriptions seemed to be bad things, things that layered you in a negative way. The beat of your heart just doesn't sound like such a bad thing, right, because it means you're alive and healthy
So clear that one up for me, will ya?
Overall rating: 7.5/10
Also, I enjoyed this. It was interesting, descriptive, and provided great imagery. My favorite line:
"the cracks in my knees"
It is cool as a line, and also sounds even cooler fitting in with the other lines.
Keep writing, Autumns.
+1
I like the meaning I'm getting in this poem. The idea of building walls to hide what you're really feeling is something I can relate to pretty well. I think you should get rid of the "or" in the fifth line, since you continue and say "or" just after the next line. In the end, you're also missing a punctuation mark. But other than that, I genuinely enjoyed this short poem.