Layers I will lay
upon my skeleton.
You'll never know
the cold in my bones
or the beat of my heart,
the cracks in my knees
or the smoke in my lungs
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,690 Literary Works • 673,595 Reviews
So, I thought this was a cool poem with a snazzy concept. I don't know if it worked so well as a short poem, however.
First off, period at the end of lungs, right? According to your seemingly consistent punctuation.
Second off, I really think you should elaborate on this. You gave pretty good imagery and descriptions here, but I think this would work really well as a longer poem. However, that is up to you.
Finally, I was little confused by the line saying "or the beat of my heart." The other descriptions seemed to be bad things, things that layered you in a negative way. The beat of your heart just doesn't sound like such a bad thing, right, because it means you're alive and healthy
So clear that one up for me, will ya?
Overall rating: 7.5/10
Also, I enjoyed this. It was interesting, descriptive, and provided great imagery. My favorite line:
"the cracks in my knees"
It is cool as a line, and also sounds even cooler fitting in with the other lines.
Keep writing, Autumns.
+1
I like the meaning I'm getting in this poem. The idea of building walls to hide what you're really feeling is something I can relate to pretty well. I think you should get rid of the "or" in the fifth line, since you continue and say "or" just after the next line. In the end, you're also missing a punctuation mark. But other than that, I genuinely enjoyed this short poem.