Love in the time of Curfew

Here to review as requested~

Happy Review Day!

Alright, so before I begin, it's probably best to admit that--I cried, okay? This hit really hard, and it's absolutely beautiful. History is something that's always eclipsed by names, dates and faces, and it's very rare for the emotion to shine through. You're not making this easy to review, you know? *glares*

What I liked best, I think, about this one is that it whispers to you. It whispers to you like all those nightmares, those dreams with all their bittersweet-ness, and it just really flows. There are a couple of places where, I think, you could have broken up the lines better because it gets pretty jarring to read but besides that this is not only beautiful but speaks so true! I love it when poetry takes real events and twists them up, with an equal--if not greater--amount of depth. I also really like how everything reads in such an amazingly dream-like manner. Gosh, those lines where the bullets whiz by ... it was like watching a heart-wrenching black and white movie, where the colours switch from vibrant to pale in a matter of seconds, leaving us stranded on the brink going "Wha--?" But enough gushing; let's get to business!

Our path is laced with rows of concertina,

This was a very, very strong way of opening your poem. Whenever I hear the word "concertina" it reminds me of fire, bullets, tasting blood and of metal against skin. I like how you use the word "laced" here, mainly because it's very visual, but it's also a tame word. Ironic, yes? But seeing as I can't suggest anything stronger than what you've got here, I think "laced" works just fine. I do think you could expound on that opening, though, like you've elaborated the "freckles" metaphor later on in the poem. That would not only add more depth, but it'd work as an instrument for all that raw hurt and the harsh chords of reality. I skimmed through previous reviews before settling down to write this one, and I noticed that JayeC thought concertina meant the instrument. Use that double meaning to your advantage. Think of war, of riots, of mass confusion as a symphony, and weave that idea as a constant throughout your poem. This is just a suggestion, however, and completely depends on you!

I always search for constants in poetry, and as far as I can see, your constant is dreaming. Because dreaming is a refuge, that one string that binds you to a reality-not-reality and keeps you hoping. Halfway though the poem, though, I think the reader might forget that you're dreaming, and I'm not sure how you could subtly re-insert the sensation like you do in the "freezing of bullets," "stopping the slogans" part, since it acquires this harsh-reality tone somewhere along these lines:

on the same streets where as kids,
we used to run around, chasing
each other.

A suggestion I have here is: You could make it seem as though the poem is being told through mist. You've done this, yes, but the feeling isn't as strong as in the last two stanzas. Make a local reference, maybe? Or add in a little bit of imagery? Like, I'm thinking gravel smothered with scarlet, like Paan, except that the mouths of guns are running off wildly in the distance? My metaphor is pretty weak, but I know you can twist it and write so it suits you!

Lemme see here, I'm scouring your piece for technical issues, and the only one I have so far is a slight redundancy:

... because last night I had this dream...
I dreamed
of our escape, I can still picture it -
we are running and I know the way
because

You repeat "because" two times, and while there's enough space between the two so the repetition doesn't matter, it still stands out. So switch up the words? Another, completely unrelated, suggestion is this: Don't tell the reader straight out in the beginning that it's a dream. This is a flimsy bit of advice, and I'd suggest you experiment with the effect this has rather than directly incorporating it, but I think the last line would make more of a--BOOM--impact.

Also, when it comes to technicalities, that comma I've put in bold? It would be better as a semicolon or a period. This is because while you are building up on the idea of the escape, you've brought us towards a new point, a new idea amidst ideas, and it stands as a separate sentence.

and soldiers peering through sandbag bunkers,
the convoys,

Again, I would suggest replacing the comma after "bunkers" with a period, and capitalizing the "t" in "convoys."

In that dream, we make it, we succeed
in our escape,

That comma too, make it a semi-colon. It strengthens structure, and it adds weight to what you're saying both ways, by emphasizing on your point, since the reader automatically pays attention when he/she sees the "dividers."

Okay, so besides technical stuff, I have nothing to say. I love this. It makes me think of cobblestoned streets, strangely enough, and it makes me think of partition redefined. A constant struggle, a struggle that's dying out and is not yet dead because people dare to dream. Living in a city where curfews have become a part of everyday life, I totally understand this, and I don't really know--neither can I imagine--what escape must feel like, although it calls so often. It's like trapping yourself in a box and closing your eyes and pretending everything will go away. But it doesn't, and your poem gives us that exact insight!

So keep it up! Keep writing!

Uhm, I hope my review helped.

Cheers,

~Pompadour

Hey, Dogsrule5 here for a review.

This was really good, I liked what you were trying to say. It's really interesting and different, but that is why I liked it. I hope you keep writing!

First category...

Nitpicks, and mistakes: I didn't really see any big mistakes, or nitpicks. This is a suggestion, but not really a nitpick, or mistake.

In our escape,
but then I wake up and I'm still here.

So the suggestion is... Instead of a comma, after escape, you should put a period, and capitalize the but. That is not a suggestion, but I am not sure if I'm right.

If not, either reply or send me a pm and tell me if I am wrong. If I am right then you can just, let it go or whatever.

Okay, so, that was the only mistake and/or nitpick I noticed, besides if there was one or two more I am sure you are smart enough to find them yourself. Don't take that the wrong way, because I am not trying to be rude.

Second Category...
Grammar, spelling, and punctuation.
I thought your grammar, spelling, and punctuation, were fine. I don't think you were missing anything in this category.

Well I hope you keep up the good writing.
Love,
Dogsrule5

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

Our path is laced with rows of concertina,

So, first thing I noticed was this line, obviously. Instantly I'm transported to a sort of whimsical dream, which seems to be the theme for the first stanza or so. I like that you've used the word "concertina," as it is far more unique than an accordion, which most people would associate with.

in the freckles just below your eyes
there's a map of safer lanes,
side alleys and backstreets
hidden from the sight of the patrols,
and soldiers peering through sandbag bunkers,

You throw in some interesting explanations here which slowly begin to transition from this whimsical word to a far more realistic, hard, cruel place.

past the whiz of bullets, we make them freeze mid-air,
the slogans stop and make way for us,
and there is this sweet desperation
in us holding hands,

Even though I am now picturing a world at war, and the MC's are stuck in the middle of it, you aren't writing about the blood and the guts and trying to make it heavy. The gravity of the scene holds it's own weight, and you've done a good job here of letting it happen on its own.

In that dream, we make it, we succeed
in our escape,
but then I wake up and I'm still here.

Okay, total love story. But then, it's not a love story. I enjoy reading poems like this that present subject matter such as love and separation in a way that's not about the subject.

Over all, this review isn't the best, but I'm pretty tired right now. I did enjoy reading this poem, and it was well written. Not odd or weird, but definitely not "mainstream" and predictable, so, job well done.

Thank you shoaib!