Young Writers Society

Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter

‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting

Never felt a feeling of comfort

All this time, I’ve been hiding

     Bucky’s steel blue eyes scanned the dark and empty streets. He pulled his hood over his head, looked both ways, and sprinted across the street. He sure hoped the Hydra agents hadn’t tracked him here. As he walked along the sidewalk, he fingered his gun and tried to listen to anything suspicious. Every little noise caused Bucky to jump or tighten his grip on his gun. The rustling of those leaves by the Post Office. That dog’s bark by 4th street. The soft thumps of combat boots coming toward him. Wait, what? Bucky slowly edged toward the person as he sneaked in the shadows. A figure began to form under the flickering lamppost, and Bucky jumped out, his gun pointed toward them.

“Show yourself.” Bucky said as the figure stepped into the light.

     “Take my money, just please, don’t hurt me.”

     Bucky saw that it was a lady, about 26, and he felt bad for threatening her. He lowered his gun and clicked it back into his holster.

     “Sorry.” Bucky said walking toward her. “I thought you were someone else.”

     She scanned his features, and her eyes fell upon his glimmering metal arm. Bucky tried to hide his arm behind him, not wanting to scare her more.

     “You’re the Winter Soldier.” She said as Bucky slightly nodded.

     “You’re going to report me, aren’t you?” Bucky asked, his voice quiet.

     “No, I know you won’t hurt me. You need somewhere to hide, don’t you?”

     Bucky stood there, not moving, his eyes glued to the floor. He heard the jingling of keys and looked up.

     “Come on. You can stay at my place for a while.”

     “Wh-what? Me? I just had a gun pointed at your heart!” Bucky said, clearly surprised.

     “People make mistakes. Besides, I would’ve shot you first.” Lily said revealing her hidden pistol. “So are you coming or not?”

And I never had someone to call my own, oh nah

I’m so used to sharing

Love only left me alone

But I am one with the silence

     Bucky entered the small apartment. He was a little tense about entering a stranger’s place. He stood in the doorway, unsure where to go.

     “Go ahead, make yourself at home. I’m Lily, by the way.” She said with a smile.

     “Bucky.” He mumbled, as he slowly entered the living room.

     He took in his surroundings, his blue eyes scanning everything. He was about to take another step when a blur zoomed past his feet. He stumbled back, and his hand went straight to his gun.

     “Wait! Sorry. That’s just my kitten, Dunlop.” Lily said picking up the tiny black kitten. “I should’ve told you.”

     “It’s fine.” He said quietly.

     “You don’t talk much do you?” Lily said as Bucky slightly nodded. “Well, I’ll go get some new clothes for you.”

     Bucky raised a quizzical eyebrow as Lily face palmed.

     “Sorry, that must have sounded weird. I have some of my older brother’s stuff here, and his clothes look your size, and I thought you might like a shower. Not because you smell or anything, but— “

     “A shower would be nice.” He said, his voice low, but soft.

     “I’ll go get those clothes.” Lily said walking away.

     “Well, she’s cute. Right, Dunlop?” Bucky asked looking at the tiny kitten.

     The kitten’s round green eyes stared up at him, and Dunlop meowed.

     “And now I’m talking to a cat.” Bucky sighed.

I found peace in your violence

Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying

I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long

     Bucky lay on the couch and watched the blades of the fan spin. His thoughts were bouncing rapidly in his brain. He really didn’t want to put Lily in danger. What if Hydra found him here? Knowing Hydra, they would probably kill her. He let out a huff and ran his hand through his brown locks. Lily was one of the only people who had shown him kindness. He found a weird sense of peace with her and her little cat, Dunlop. He didn’t want to leave this little paradise of peace and get thrown into the chaotic world he was used to.

I found peace in your violence

Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying

I’m at one, and I’ve been silent for too long

I’ve been quiet for too long

I’ve been quiet for too long

     Dunlop meowed at the thinking man on the couch and stared at him with wide green eyes. Bucky turned toward the tiny creature and pet his soft head.

     “What do you think I should do?” Bucky asked as Dunlop tilted his cute head. “Hydra might find me here and hurt Lily. Then again, there’s a chance they might not, and I could stay here for a while in this bliss. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt like this. Loved that is. Is it right for me to jeopardize Lily’s safety?”

     Dunlop pounced onto the couch and stood on top of Bucky’s stomach. The kitten went in a few circles and curled up on Bucky’s stomach. With a tiny yawn, Dunlop closed his eyes and began purring.

     “I’ll take it you want me to stay.” Bucky said scratching Dunlop behind the ears.

     Bucky sighed and started watching the fan blades again. He didn’t want Lily to know what horrible things Hydra had done to him, but he wasn’t sure if he could hold back the memories that were screaming to be let out.

I found peace in your violence

Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying

I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long

I’m in need of a savior, but I’m not asking for favors

     Bucky gasped as he woke up. A thin sheet of sweat covered his body, and his blanket was tangled around his form. He took a few deep breaths before he realized that he was safe. The nightmares were getting worse every day that his screaming mind remained unheard. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was drowning in a sea of horrific memories.

     “Bucky, you’re awake.” Lily said entering the living room. “You okay?”

     Bucky untangled himself from his blanket and shot her a weak smile. “I’m fine.”

     Lily looked unsure, but quickly put on a smile. “Well, I made breakfast, if you want any.”

     Bucky nodded and followed Lily to the kitchen. The aroma of bacon, eggs, and hash browns filled Bucky’s nose and caused his stomach to growl. His hand quickly went to his stomach and his cheeks tinted pink in embarrassment. Lily laughed and, boy, her laugh sounded like heaven. He felt happiness wash over his body, and a genuine smile graced his features.

     “Let’s give you some breakfast, shall we?” Lily said getting out some plates. “I saw Dunlop slept with you last night.”

     “Uh, yeah. He’s a really sweet kitten.” Bucky said as Lily dished out the food.

     Bucky sat down at the table and took time to really look at Lily. Her long, brown hair was pulled into a messy bun, and she was still in her pajamas. As she handed him his plate, he noticed how her eyes seemed to radiate with joy.

     “Thank you.” He said softly as he picked up his fork.

     He didn’t want to make those beautiful, brown eyes swirl with horror and sadness if he told her his story. He didn’t want to be selfish and throw on his extra weight of fear, so he decided he could muffle his screeching memories a bit longer.

My whole life, I’ve felt like a burden

I think too much, and I hate it

I’m so used to being in the wrong, I’m tired of caring

Loving never gave me a home, so I’ll sit here in the silence

     Bucky closed the bathroom door and sighed as he looked in the mirror. His brown hair fell to his shoulders, and his steel blue eyes looked troublesome. His metal arm reflected the bathroom lights, and he stared at the bright red star on his shoulder. It was a reminder that he would never be free. A reminder that he was a monster, and a burden to anyone who took him in. Love. He wanted it. A feeling of comfort and being able to laugh without fear itching at the back of your neck. He heard the screams getting louder in his mind. His memories were trying to claw their way out like rabid animals.

     “No, stop.” Bucky said taking a deep breath.

     The silence to any one else was silence, but to Bucky, it was an opportunity for his mind to abuse him. He tried covering his ears, desperate to make the mocking voices of his head go away, but they just got louder.

     “No! Stop, please.” Bucky pleaded as the war between his mind and himself continued.

     An aching in his heart grew. He needed to let it out. But how? He frantically searched the bathroom for a pencil and paper. His shaking hands wildly opened and closed cabinets and drawers. His hands fumbled across a notebook and pen in the bottom drawer. At last! He scribbled down everything. The fear, the torture, the assassinations, the screaming, everything! Tears trickled down his face as he jotted his memories down. He needed to let it out. It felt like a fire was burning in his brain. Page after page, his memories flooded them.

I found peace in your violence

Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying

I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long

     Finally, he finished the last sentence. His eyes scanned the last page and he broke out into a sob. His tears splashed onto the lined pages and he sat in the bathroom, the silence ripping through him.

     “Bucky?” Lily asked from the other side of the door. “Are you alright?”

     Alright? He couldn’t begin to describe the unimaginable agony he was feeling right now. He swung open the door and engulfed Lily in a huge hug. He choked out sobs and was soaking her shirt. She wrapped her arms around the trembling man as he began muttering things. After a while, he started to calm down, taking in shaky breaths slowly.

     “I’m sorry.” Bucky said quietly. “They were becoming too much.”

     “Was it Hydra?” Lily asked.

I found peace in your violence

Can’t tell me there’s no point on trying

I’m at one, and I’ve been silent for too long

I’ve been quiet for too long

I’ve been quiet for too long

     “I have to go.” Bucky said clipping his gun into his holster.

     “Why?” Lily asked as Bucky started lacing his boots.

     “It’s too dangerous for me to stay here. I-I don’t want you getting hurt. Hydra is still out there, and they won’t stop ‘till they find me.” Bucky said staring into her eyes. “You’ve been very kind, and I thank you, but I can’t pay you back by having you shot in the chest.”

     “At least take this bag.” Lily said grabbing the black backpack by the couch. “It has a change of clothes and some other essentials.”

     “Thank you.” Bucky said throwing it over his shoulder. “Your kindness is the first I’ve had in a long time. Take care.”

     Then, giving Lily and Dunlop one last glance good-bye, he walked out the door. The silence didn’t hurt as much, but he knew he was still dangerous. He hoped a better future lay ahead. The soft thumps of his combat boots were soon unnoticeable as he walked away.

I found peace in your violence

Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying

I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long

     Lily watched as Bucky walked away, and she sighed as he faded away. She walked into the bathroom and noticed his notebook. Curious, she began reading though it. Her eyes welled with tears as she read the horrible things Hydra did to Bucky. Her eyes scanned the last page and she began to cry more as she read the last line. I found peace in a girl named Lily, but I don’t think our paths were meant to cross; my life has been way to terrifying for an angel like her to flutter into my life, so I must leave her and stay in the silence.

——————-

Song is Silence by Marshmello