Sometimes I smile
It only lasts for a while
I'm feeling the pain
My heart's got a stain
Yeah, please don't go
I don't wanna be off on my own
I guess it's not my choice
But I'll still raise my voice
Sometimes I still feel you near
I forget you're not really here
And sometimes I cry
I cannot tell a lie
My brother, my friend
I'll see you again
This isn't the end
'Cause the sun still rises
It rises so high
We don't have to say goodbye
Wipe away my tears
Take away my tears
Yeah, I know that you're strong
And sometimes we didn't get along
Yet, I'd still play Legos
Yeah, I don't wanna let go
I liked when we'd act like psychos
And the little scrunch of your nose
Yeah, I loved when we were crazy
I won't let my memories go hazy
My brother, my friend
I'll see you again
This isn't the end
'Cause the sun still rises
It rises so high
We don't have to say goodbye
Wipe away my tears
Take away my tears
I'll try to hold on
Even though you are gone
You went home in a hurry
But I'll try not to worry
And when I get there
I'll ruffle your hair
And I'll see you smile
Then it'll be the end of my trial
My brother, my friend
I'll see you again
This isn't the end
'Cause the sun still rises
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
my name jay and i im here to do a review
first: off this poem is pretty good and i would cry cause this poem reminds me of i im still raising and shining...
Second: this poems would make anybody in a good mood and make them still shine like i just saying...
First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for being brave enough to put something so personal to your life up on the Internet. This is clearly an incredibly heartfelt and emotional piece - I'd love to see what it sounds like sung. I do have one point of criticism, though. It sounds a bit overly adherent to its rhyming structure? Like, it's not bad, but I do think it could stand to get a bit out of that "smile/while, choice/voice, pain/stain" one-line-after-another structure. Maybe consider using a few more slant rhymes or structuring it as an ABAB or ABCB type thing rather than an AABB? (Again, I could be wrong, it's just a matter of personal preference.)
Hey AngelLily!
Thank you for sharing these very sweet lyrics written in memory of your friend. I wonder if you're planning to set these to music eventually? I would love to hear what this sounds like set to music, or at the least, what you have planned for it.
My first comment is a small one. Because this isn't broken up into stanzas, it was a little bit harder for me to follow how you wanted the song to progress, if there was a chorus you wanted to anchor the rest of the piece. Usually, songs are about conveying a feeling, and I like how keep going back to this idea of the sun rising once again.
Anyway, you did a great job with this, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it. Hope this helps and happy writing!
All the best,
Elinor
It´s a beautiful song! I have experienced the same some years ago. Stay strong!
Thanks
This is such a nice song. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you get through this
Thank you