Young Writers Society

First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for being brave enough to put something so personal to your life up on the Internet. This is clearly an incredibly heartfelt and emotional piece - I'd love to see what it sounds like sung. I do have one point of criticism, though. It sounds a bit overly adherent to its rhyming structure? Like, it's not bad, but I do think it could stand to get a bit out of that "smile/while, choice/voice, pain/stain" one-line-after-another structure. Maybe consider using a few more slant rhymes or structuring it as an ABAB or ABCB type thing rather than an AABB? (Again, I could be wrong, it's just a matter of personal preference.)

Hey AngelLily!

Thank you for sharing these very sweet lyrics written in memory of your friend. I wonder if you're planning to set these to music eventually? I would love to hear what this sounds like set to music, or at the least, what you have planned for it.

My first comment is a small one. Because this isn't broken up into stanzas, it was a little bit harder for me to follow how you wanted the song to progress, if there was a chorus you wanted to anchor the rest of the piece. Usually, songs are about conveying a feeling, and I like how keep going back to this idea of the sun rising once again.

Anyway, you did a great job with this, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it. Hope this helps and happy writing!

All the best,
Elinor

It´s a beautiful song! I have experienced the same some years ago. Stay strong!

This is such a nice song. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you get through this