First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for being brave enough to put something so personal to your life up on the Internet. This is clearly an incredibly heartfelt and emotional piece - I'd love to see what it sounds like sung. I do have one point of criticism, though. It sounds a bit overly adherent to its rhyming structure? Like, it's not bad, but I do think it could stand to get a bit out of that "smile/while, choice/voice, pain/stain" one-line-after-another structure. Maybe consider using a few more slant rhymes or structuring it as an ABAB or ABCB type thing rather than an AABB? (Again, I could be wrong, it's just a matter of personal preference.)
Points: 454
Reviews: 3
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