Hi, I'd really appreciate your thoughts! 
***
Her tone monotonous,
She relates the events
Of an uninteresting Saturday
I nod politely:
Occasionally laugh;
Pretend
I am actually listening
My eyes flicker constantly,
Uncontrollably,
Like a thin candle flame;
The passion of my heart
Dictates their movement
I see you, just standing,
Talking,
Blissfully unaware
Of the onlooker
Who’s always loved you,
Always will
Your hair: it’s luscious,
Chocolate brown,
Loosely curled
Upon the crown of your head
Your skin: it’s unblemished,
Covers your lean, muscular body,
Is the tone
Of creamy alabaster
Your face: it’s exquisite,
Divinely crafted,
Chiselled:
A work of the Gods
Every time I lay my eyes upon you,
My heart begins to race;
Intricate knots
Twist inside my stomach;
My body aches
With desire, with want
I yearn to feel your touch
Upon my skin;
I crave the tenderness of your lips
Pressed against my neck
‘What are you looking at?’
My vacant eyes snap back,
Focus upon
The girl stood before me.
She gives me a coy smile,
Twists her head
To stare behind
‘Oh, nothing!’
I exclaim,
The longing inside of me
Searing at my bones.
‘Just the clock.’
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Hi icyflame you are totally right!
After reading the first review I wonder if I've grasped the concept of this powm at all!
The way I see it; two friends are talking to one another and one is stood staring at this god-like guy behind the other?
Lovely descriptions, just be careful not to repeat things.
Sorry for such a short review but I wanted to check I got the meaning
That threw me for a loop at first, but I believe she's trying to convey that the speaker's attention has wandered to the boy she likes--"lean, muscular body" usually lends itself to describing boys rather than girls, based on physical structure. (Yes, there are exceptions--not talking about those.)
Also, the fact that the speaker is infatuated with the object of her affections:
This phrase doesn't really convey infatuation.
Then there is the fact that, after snapping the speaker out of her daydreams, the girl and the speaker immediately tries to cover it up--she's trying to mask the fact that she was staring at her crush instead of listening to the girl.
As for the poem...
AmeliaCogin, your descriptions are wonderful. I love the "your skin", "your hair" repetition. Nothing to correct here.
I'm sure many girls can relate to this.
Hi there Amelia, Gsp here! See, I'm reviewing it for you.
Nice beginning, I like it. But you might want to change the first line to something like "Her voice monotonous", instead of tone. It just seems a tad repetitive otherwise.
Very good. I've done this before, and I'm sure almost everyone else has at some point in their lives.
Lovely.
Aha, here's something. In the first stanza you were referring to the person you're listening to as "her", and now suddenly she's "you". I would fix this.
Good descriptions.
It's quite obvious to me that this person adores this woman. I like this stanza quite a bit, though I'm not really sure why.
Very nice. I like how you don't use the word "lust", as it seems that everyone uses that now.
One again, you've switched over to another point of view for the girl. Please fix this. (Unless you did it on purpose, in which case disregard it). Also, if someone's talking, (at least in literature, not sure about poetry), you use quotation marks.
Spoiler
I don't really like this bit, it just seems shorter than the others and isn't as nicely scripted.
Ooooh. "Searing at my bones". Lovely.
All-in-all, this is great. Keep up the good work.
~Gsp.