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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
I thought this was very beautiful it that it told a really good story, the only problem that there was, was that the poem told a story but did not seem all that poetic. Though you should probably ignore me because I'm not all that sure that having poetic poetry is a rule but that's just me. Maybe if you add more imagery it would help the piece. Another thing you did well was how the poem flows really well, thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Hello! I just wanted to review one of your works. Anyway, I think this poem is a pretty good poem. I really like the imagery, which is very visually interesting. For example,
"A peachy moon, two delicate arches -
sweeping, of graceful fluidity.
Thousands flutter before my eyes,
prancing about, mocking my
uncomprehending state.
Light dances, colour swirls –
yet scornful silence dwells."
This is a beautiful example of the visually appealing imagery you use. You can really see that this poem has more concrete details than abstract ones. Another example is
"Mother cradles her child
Within the nook of her arm,
Her eyes tired, anxious;
Father swallows nervously,
Beads of sweat dotting
His ruddy forehead – "
This is also a good example of the imagery you use. Again, you can see concrete details outweigh the abstract ones.
However, I have to say, I think you should not put the second part of the poem in italics. I understand why you did that, which was to separate the first part of the poem from the second part. You could separate the two parts like this:
1.
A peachy moon, two delicate arches -
sweeping, of graceful fluidity.
Thousands flutter before my eyes,
prancing about, mocking my
uncomprehending state.
Light dances, colour swirls –
yet scornful silence dwells.
2.
Mother cradles her child
Within the nook of her arm,
Her eyes tired, anxious;
Father swallows nervously,
Beads of sweat dotting
His ruddy forehead –
They sit, mother upright, stiff,
Father hunched –
Both panged with surreal dread
Doctor swivels on his chair
His face swept with sympathy.
‘I’m sorry I have to tell you this...’
Doctor clenches his Jaw.
‘But Lily was born deaf.’
I saw that Rita Dove did this in her poem called The Satisfaction Coal Company. Now, you can separate the poem like this or find another way to separate the poem, but either is fine.
Lastly, I have to say, I don't see the connection between the first part of the poem and the second part. Can you explain to me the connection? Otherwise, if there isn't a connection, you should probably make a connection between the two.
Overall, this is a good poem. I like it. I hope you keep writing poetry!:)
Its really good but it is kinda confusing at the beginning, other then that great job.
I really like this, but i'm kind of confused by the beginning. Were they things that she couldn't hear? Or stuff that was being said at the time? Maybe be a little more clear on that but other than that it was really good! Very well written and I like the description. The ending was not expected and that's one of the thing i best like about it, how you would never guess that something was going to go wrong. Very nice!!
You have great grammar and writing abilities. Not much to say that I haven't already said. Again the first part is weird. Keep writing! If you have any questions PM me.
-Boo