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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
hey,
i liked the idea of the poem. it was made in a very different manner which i liked.
1.i think you overused your hyphens.
2. i would have liked if the poem was a bit longer.
3.it might have been better if it was broken up a bit. i tend to like poems which flow smoothly
4.i loved the usage of your words. some i have never heard before
5. i don't think that ; this punctuation was necessary
6. you could not involve me visually in this poem. i never felt that i was there and watching all this unfold
its a good poem. i would love to see more from you.
It's amazing prose, to be sure! Great detail and very nice language. The words you chose were a nice breath of fresh from the usual poems I read here. It lacked a bit of emotion but it was great overall.
Good job and great writing!
Veritas
Well, it was interesting. I haven't read many poem like this, it was short and easy to read. And the imagery as great, I just didn't really feel the words jump off the page, it wasn't bad though, I just didn't feel much emotion in it. Keep Writing!
Very....uh....well....I guess imperceptible might sum it up...
This is interesting. Your prose is nice. One technical thing I might have done, because you did it in the rest of the poem, is change the line (in the first stanza) "gossamer as a sheer orb" to simply "gossamer as sheer orb". It's a stylistic thing that would fit well with the rest of the poem. In fact, if you wanted to, you could eliminate other unnecessary words. It's a technique that I like in poems--but it's not for everybody.
I'm not sure if your use of hyphens adds to the poem. I think it's fine to use a few, but you've used quite a lot here.
Also, when you're writing a poem, it's important to consider visuals. This poem is very beautiful, but when I first opened up the page it wasn't (forgive me) especially pleasing to the eye. I think if you want to have each line that long the poem itself needs to be longer. Otherwise I would break it up more.
Overall, I really liked your prose and though you did a nice job with this piece. I hope this review helps!
Sarebear