I wrote this poem last night...I've given an explanation at the bottom as to what it's about but see if you can guess whilst reading. Thanks!:)
I pierce my reflection
With a critical eye
Harsh, mocking voices
Slap me with their taunts
I stare bitterly
At the soft fat
Clinging to my cheeks
I suck myself in,
Clasp my chubby fingers
Around my waist
And so it begins
The cycle
Of obsession;
It controls me
As though I am a puppet
Tugged this way and that
On jealous strings
It is the epitome
Of selfishness
It consumes my waking hours
Plagues me constantly
Destroys the selflessness
Within my heart
Belittles me,
Veils me of all truth
Makes me petrified
Of the very thing
God created
To satisfy
The empty pit
Inside of me.
A few years ago I was on the brink of an eating disorder and for a long time I viewed such things as food and weight in the wrong way. I recognized the selfishness involved and this poem expresses my feelings on the matter. Thanks for reading!
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hi! thanks so much for your comments! This is quite a difficult subject for me and to have such good reviews for a poem expressing my emotions was so great!Thanks everyone! Ac x
I actually enjoyed this poem, not because of the topic, but how you wrote it. It was beautifully crafted. I felt the emotions, the sorrow, the anger--everything that this poem was supposed to invoke in a reader. I applaud you for that, but there are a few things I would like to see you change in this poem, mainly punctuation. I could see where the pauses should go, or where i think they should go, to provide more emphasis on certain parts I believe you need to highlight. For instance:
The places in red show where I think there should be periods. Before each of the capitalized letters place one because after each there is a natural pause.
Next:
This stanza was great, with the exception that there are few commas. There should be more commas. It will help the stanza flow much better. I think you get the idea.
Overall I quite enjoyed this poem as I have said. Well done with this one, though I understand that to make great art there is always some great pain. I haven't experienced any eating disorders, but I have had my share of great tragedies and horrific events happen in my life. Keep writing.
I thought this was really good, and I can definitely relate. I'm a gymnast, a sport infamous for its annorexics, but I love your view on it being "selfish" to be so concerned with your own self-image, and to pity yourself in a way. You wrote this simply, which I like, it feels honest and real, not a writer writing it out, but a real human being. The other reviews have already covered pretty well whatever needs to be cleaned up, so I'll just say that I like this a lot.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
i understood what your poem was about while reading it. it reminded me of the poem 'mirror' by sylvia plath, but maybe that's because i've just read that poem. i don't see any obvious mistakes regarding grammar. really good work!
'Makes me petrified
Of the very thing
God created
To satisfy
The empty pit
Inside of me. '
i really liked this part. a very impressive way to describe something as simple as food. also brings out it's importance in the poem.
just one suggestion though, you may want to use another word in place of 'selflessness' in the fifth line of the third stanza. 'selfishness' and 'selflessness' are used quite close to each other, and it doesn't sound right
Hey Amelia, Gsp here, and I'll be reviewing your work today! I have a tendency to rip things apart and nitpick on things like grammar and spelling, but please don't get upset, I'm trying to help you as well as I can, honest.
Mmkay, I'm going to go through this one stanza at a time.
This is really good, I like it a lot, and I'm sure this is a feeling that most girls have gone through at some point in their lives. I don't really see anything bad about this stanza. I'd add more commas and periods, but I'm not an expert at poetry, so I'm probably wrong.
This one seems shorter than the others. Add a couple of lines if you can to make it more even with the others. I really like this stanza as well.
And this one's really long. xD I like it a lot though, and if I were you I wouldn't change it. Split it in half if you can see a way to do it without messing with the general flow of things, but other than that, don't change it.
All-in-all, this is a great poem. You projected the emotion and feelings behind it very well, I thought, but it might just be because I can relate to the feeling, at least a little bit. Keep up the good work.
~Gsp.