Chapter 1
“Is it…my fault?”
“Who is to say? For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction. For everything good there is a dark counterpart. It is the only way to maintain balance,” explained the Aged.
“But that doesn’t answer my question!” cried Berello.
“Are you sure?”
“Enough of your riddles old man!”
“Aha ha ha!” cackled the Aged, “such slander. It has been far to long since I was thought of as an equal.”
Berello held back his urge to attack. The anger in his throat wanted out and the Aged was in the corsairs. Even if it was a crime to speak as he had spoken or even think the thoughts he was thinking. It didn’t really matter anymore.
“Leave now, child. Think of the things I have told you.”
Stupid ass old man. The raging youth wandered out of the Aged’s house silently. His firm muscled body tense after the meeting. It was all Berello could do not to punch the hollow walls of the dilapidated house. The stench of old mold and rotted drywall was almost more than anyone could stand.
Towering skyscrapers glittered in the moonlight. The old house right in the middle. Not unusual in Nexus. There were at least thirteen Aged in Nexus, each with an old, run down house.
“The moon sure is bright tonight,” whispered Berello to himself. His anger had vanished only to be replaced by fear and sadness. He sat on the bustling street near the old house. Workers worked at all hours. Even with it nearing midnight, the city would never shut down.
Berello’s strong hands covered his face as salty tears leaked from his brown eyes. Short black hair moving slightly in the breeze created by the moving workers. There was only one choice now. Only one-way to free himself and save what little dignity he had left. He dried his tears and rose. His chest pushed out and chin held high as he walked for the central plaza of Nexus.
The people parted as he walked. They knew him. He was pretty famous now. No one knew his name but his face was plastered all over Nexus. Wanted for Late Arrival to Work. No one would stop him today. They knew where he was headed. The final stop in this busy city.
The plaza glittered from the many fountains spraying water into the air. Catching the moonlight and reflecting like hundreds of stars. The heat grew as Berello came closer to the center of the plaza. Heat escaped the great hole before him. A giant hole built in the center of a great city. Dug when the city was first built as a reminder for those who didn’t work.
People started to watch Berello but never stopped. The darkness of the hole was inviting. It beckoned for Berello to come. He turned to the crowds.
“See ya around,” He leaned back. The air passed over him softly. His hair fluttered as silent tears escaped once more. The glitter of the city faded as the heat and darkness grew around him. Soon, only a faint light could be seen, far far in the distance. The heat continued to increase. Sweat started to pour from Berello. He ripped at his clothes in the darkness. They were burning him. The light of fire caught to them as he fell; burning his flesh along with the cloth.
His clothes burned away. Searing flesh, stinging against the air. So much pain. Eyes watering and squinting from the pain. Flailing body colliding with burning sides of the tunnel. When will it end…Please, make it end…Gasping for breath Berello could feel the last remnants of his life leaving his naked and disgraced body.
It was almost over. The burning heat, the searing pain. Soon he would feel no more. But wait? What’s this? Cool water washing over his body. Can this be?
End of chapter
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140,555 Literary Works • 673,430 Reviews
Thanks!
I see what you mean and I never catch much when I read my own stuff.
some things are a bit vague but fear not. Everything will become clearer. *evil grin*
Hey Adam - I know I haven't gotten a critique on the first chapter, but I wanted to run through the second, if possible, while I had time. ^_^
Dialogue - always a quick way to begin; and this opens on a question. ^_^
lied -- ought to be 'lay'
Girls -- ought to be possessive, and so, needs an apostrophe which I've added. ^_^
At this point though, you also make an abrupt shift. We're looking at things through the girl (Purnikus?)'s eyes. She asks the questions. We even hear her thoughts. Then abruptly we're in Berello's mind. Now the reader listens to her feet pattering away...?
Make the transition more smoothly. Perhaps if you were to describe more from Berello's 'paralysis'? Go into his world entirely, a paragraph, what it feels like and if he can see - so that when we get to the girl's retreat, we come out of that and have had time to accostom ourselves to it.
Naturally, you could just stay with the girl's POV. But that would rather defeat the purpose, I think. ^_^''
Punctuation, yes? I like the tone of the voice - distinct. Just be certain to get those commas and such in. ^_^
Berello trying to speak? Doubtless, things can be overdone. But in this case, it's brief and understated - I wonder if you couldn't describe his attempt at speech somewhat? as well as giving him the stuttered-s's?
This was a titanic effort on Berello's part, I take it - apparently, by what follows, he stunned and overjoyed he actually managed to speak.
'Firmly' seems rather weak there. ...'said Berello with an effort', possibly? ...'stammered Berello painfully'.? Does he force the words passed barely moving lips? Does he still slur? Not only is this an effort, but he's saying it with quite a bit of emotion - this is the moment.
As it is, it doesn't quite come through. Ah well; words; I spoke - bloody brilliant.
Let the reader feel the effort. ^_^
Full-stop/period, perhaps, rather than a comma after 'I see'.
'Ya' -- no captilasation for that.
There's something somewhat intriguing about the repetition of 'Half-Death', as to what it might mean and the speaker's blase attitude towards.
Ach, ending on a preposition, even in a fragment, is a bit awkward. Try rephrasing the fragment then?
I would strike 'yelled...' entirely. It reiterates what your exclamation point implies, and weakens Berello's action; not needed in any sense.
Then the final sentence is rather passive, unintentionally so doubtless. Rather than '...caused them to close' try giving Berello's reaction? Example: 'The bright lights of his room made him flinch; he even brought a sluggish arm up to cover his eyes.'
You can rework that quite a bit better than my suggestion, I'm sure. ^_^ It's the passivity that needs looking at.
'Argh' rather stands out. Is it necassary? The tone of the question, exasperation, pathetic, comes through as well if not better without. ^_~
Again, as with the 'yelled' bit, you're tagging dialogue that doesn't need the extra-explanation of a tag. You could drop 'asked Berello' and have an obvious speaker despite it.
If you really need the tag, drop the proper-noun 'Berello'; merely put 'he asked'.
Fragment - intentionally so? As to the description: It's painfully vague at the moment. Would you write 'a plain white man standing there'? Or 'a plain yellow man...'? What does he look like? Older, younger? Worn out or perky? Is dark-skinned, or barely brown or thin or tall? At the moment, I rather wonder - what the devil does 'a plain black man' look like?' o0'
This helps. But it doesn't give an impression of this fellow's aspect; it's purely superficial.
Comma, as you see.
Oy, where did she come from? Back and forth between the black fellow and Berello, and the nurse's scream comes from nowhere.
Does Berello see her come in? Does he hear her? Does the man turn to look?
You began with the girl's perspective; you shifted to Berello's; and now we're in freefall, limited but to any character in third-person. If you're going to stick to Berello, do. The reader will want to relate to these characters, and Berello makes most sense. How is he acting now, that he's just come out of a coma[?] ? How does he feel? Does he feel things more presently? Does he jump at loud noises? Fingers tingle? Is the light still bothering him?
I like the exchange - it gives character to these people, a different aspect.
But -- the woman also seems to appear suddenly, as if dropped from the sky. Where did the girl go now? Is she still there? I'll get to discussing dialogue in general at the end. ^_^
Perhaps italicise 'what in the world...'?
Here, finally, we go back to Berello's experience. Keep this sort of thing consistent throughout, and you'll have a more comprehensive narrative.
Another good interjection for character...it gives a better sense of Berello, and at the same time, hails back to his experience being 'out'.
--
In closing then, ragazzo. ^_~
Description: Well, it's rather off-and-on, to say the least. Every now and then, you drop something in - but I get very little concrete or abstract, neither in Berello's experience, interiorly, or his perception of the outside.
Be specific and know what you mean to say. At points, it seemed you didn't quite have the idea or image set in your mind; and so, things were long, or vague on weak adjectives. The dialogue kept the pace quite often. But very few stories hang entirely on dialogue, and those that do have dialogue that is worked and worked and worked to such a bitter precision it could make you wince. ^_~
Let's see this with more input from Berello; and more narrative description of setting. For example: The girl's return out of nowhere and her scream. Set that up.
Dialogue: First, punctuate it. You've lost commas and apostrophes throughout. Second, I'm rather fond of the voice of Arriva, at least his tone. But it doesn't remain consistent. Sometimes, it seems he meant to be working-class American, other times he sounds a bit more high-flown, and then his colloqiualisms slip to a decidedly un-American diction.
You don't need to change the spelling of his words to imply his language. You can. If you choose to, bloody well keep it the same every time (and that's more than difficult). If not, let his sentence structure and attitude speak for him. His manner of speech will come through.
Then, for Berello: Does he have a voice yet? There seemed very little about his dialogue to make it his. Perhaps running him through the Character Answer Game would get him some strength of voice?
...etcetera:
You've dropped quite a lot of interesting hints, oddities about this world or setting, with the Half-Death and Arriva's talk of reapers. So far, it shows up in dialogue - but not so much in atmosphere, or setting. With that in mind, you're a little threadbare in narrative and consistency. Expand it. If this is the reality here, how does it affect the surroundings, the speech, the culture? (Though 'culture' broadly, may be going a bit far.)
If Berello is confused, by all means, play that up - you'll get farther showing the reader things through his bewilderment than by leaving both sides blank. ^_^
Ach, and I've got to run. I very much like the background on this, Adam - you have something intriguing all in all. Buona fortuna, vero?
[ sponsored by the CCF ] IMP
I finally wrote on this again. Not sure what it's gonna be now. It's like when you meet a girl and you do something stupid cause you're both drunk well let's just say me and this story are haveing drinks together and neither of us knows what;s happening.
Pt. 2
“Will he ever wake?” asked the young girl.
“I don’t know, Purnikus. He was hurt so badly during the fall, it’s a wonder he’s still alive.”
“They must have grand plans for him, Dr. Jerotis.”
“It would seem so.” The old female doctor checked al the machines before leaving Purnikus.
“I bet you were once a handsome man,” whispered Purnikus, “And all the young women wanted you.”
If you only knew, thought Berello. He wanted to move, to open his eyes and see the people who had watched over him for so long. But nothing moved. No matter how hard he tried he always lied still.
The young girls pattering feet faded away leaving Berello more alone than he already was. To know exactly what was happening, but unable to interact or tell them he was conscious. His body was a prison now. And not a very pretty one based on what the young nurse had said.
Some plans these are, he thought bitterly.
“You could always let go ya know,” said a harsh brittle voice, “Your body’s shot and I just cant figure out why you keep hanging on to this world so hard.”
“S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s,” said Berello.
“You’ll have to be a bit more audible for me to understand ya, Half-Death.”
“She. Is. Still. alive,” said Berello firmly. Words. For the first time in a year words came out of his mouth. Real words that he could hear through his ears.
“I see,” The voice was not so harsh now. It caressed Berello’s ear like a mother does a child’s head. Comforting, loving, everything Berello left behind when he jumped. “Well, Ya wont be doing much saving her in this here bed. You two are the most stubborn Half-Deaths I’ve ever come across. Come on then get up. Don’t tell me those few little words are all you can muster.”
He summoned all his strength. Every ounce of energy he could pull at. The muscles strained to do as the brain commanded. It felt as if his skin were ripping with each minor movement. But it didn’t matter. He had to get to her, no matter what.
“Come on, I have plenty of other souls to harvest besides yours. If you’re going to get up then please get on with it.”
“Shut up!” Yelled Berello. He bolted upright and opened his eyes. The bright lights of his room caused them to close again.
“Yer both pretty feisty too, for Half-Deaths anyway.”
“Argh, why do you keep calling me that?”
“It’s what ya are. What should I call ya, living? Hahaha!”
Berello’s eyes adjusted to the lights and he could see things clearly. So many machines, all cluttered around his bed. All of them beeping, hissing, humming, and making all manner of racket. It was a wonder it didn’t drive him mad. “Where am I?” asked Berello.
“What a stupid question! I can’t believe someone so stupid could actually hold on so tight.” Berello looked ever to see who had been such an ass to him the last few minutes. What a disappointment to see a plain black man standing there. Baggy t-shirt and slacks completed by a nice pair of tennis shoes.
“And who the hell are you?!”
“Doesn’t really matter now do it?”
“Oh, but I believe it does.”
“I think ya have far more important things to do than ask me questions, Half-Death. Ya can only stay that way for so long ya know”
“Dammit! Who the hell are you!”
“Dr. Jerotis! He’s awake and he’s moving!” screamed the young nurse who had been tending to Berello for the last month.
“Good flippin’ work. If youlda just kept your damn mouth shut we both mighta got outta here before she noticed.”
“It’s good to see you too, Arriva,” said an older woman standing in the door. She walked past the man to Berello. “I’m glad you are awake. We were beginning to wonder if we should have pulled the plug.”
“Sure would’ve made my life easier,” said Arriva, “Well my after life anyway.”
“Arriva, don’t speak,” Fierce strength echoed from her words bringing a cold feeling to Berello. Arriva slumped into a chair against the wall looking agitated. “You seem to be alright, other than the burns but they’ve healed very nicely. I’m sure we could get a plastic surgeon to have a look if you want.”
“He doesn’t have that kinda time, Jerotis.”
“No one is guaranteed tomorrow.”
“Yeah, well he is,” the smart aleck smirk spread quickly. Arriva knew something Jerotis didn’t. It seemed to give him a distinct pleasure. “Surely ya know Jerotis. I mean, ya know everything, don’t ya. Come now Jerotis, take a guess at what I mean.”
“Fereis! I do not have time for your reaper crap! Tell me what you are talking about before I report you.”
“Ya old crow, never let me have any fun. He’s a Half-Death. And his Half-Life will expire in one year. And don’t call me that. I’m not him anymore.”
“You’ll always be him to me. Now you need to explain to this young man what is happening. He’s from…”
“I know where he’s from. I have plenty to do without explaining the rules of the contract with this retarded Nexian.”
Berello’s head was beginning to spin. So many words, so many unknowns. Half-Death, Half-Life, and he was sure he heard this old lady say reaper. What in the world was going on.
“Fine!” said Arriva. “Look guy, when ya said why ya were still hanging on and got up ya made a deal with me. A very powerful, very binding deal. I don’t usually make many of these as they’re only mentioned in the handbook once and not supposed to happen cause normal people tend to just die!
“Ya wouldn’t let go cause of you’re wife and I’ve been trying to take your soul for over a year now. I even had to break out that ancient scythe but ya just wouldn’t let go. Annoying prick’s what ya are.
“What?” said Berello dumfounded. His brain had hit the critical point of not understanding.
“Dammit, I told you Jerotis he is just another retarded Nexian.”
“Finish telling him. Forget all the other stuff, tell him what he has to do,” said Jerotis.
“Ya have one year to finish whatever it is you have left unfinished. Until then ya are immortal and cannot die or be killed. From what ya’ve said to me, your business has something to do with a woman. And I’m guessing her name is Assandrea.”
“How do you know that name!” said Berello getting to his feet. A number of machines were pulled from his sudden movement. He winced from the wires pulling at his skin. “How!” He stepped even further trying to grab at Arriva.
“She’s already made a contract with me as well. Just a few months ago actually.”
“She’s…dead?”
“No. She will be in a few months when her Half-Life expires”
“Where is she?”
“Jerotis, I’m outta here. He’s really startin’ to bug me. I’ve got an old fella down in block waitin’ on me. See ya in a year…” The lights flickered and Arriva was gone.
“Where’d he go?” Berello scanned the room frantically, “I still don’t understand!”
“Purnikus dear,” called Jerotis, “Come disconnect out patient.” The young girl who had screamed before pattered into the room. She nodded and started pulling wires and tubes from Berello. His body was not the way he remembered it. The firmness was gone. Everything drooped and his entirety had diminished leaving barely a skeletal frame. Burn scars covered everything he could see. “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. We’ll fix you up before you go. We cant have that girl of yours seeing you like this now can we. Purnikus, get him dressed in something appropriate and bring him to me after a bath and a shave.”
“Yes ma’am,” said the girl. She continued to work on taking off all the wires. Jerotis left. “We didn’t know if you would wake. I wondered if you were in pain. I feared you might be and we were doing nothing.
He wanted to tell here he had been awake all the times she pondered to herself out loud. Tell her that he appreciated all her worry and caring, but stopped himself. She’d probably just get embarrassed like girls do when they find out their little brother was eavesdropping on them. Maybe.
At last he was free of the machines. Free of their pumping and beeping and intrusion onto his form. He remembered feeling the IV going in and out. The pierce of someone not caring because they assumed the person being prodded wouldn’t notice.
“Come with me please and we’ll get you some clothes.”
Why is it cool, what did you like about it. Give some details to the writer so he can perfect what he is a good at and improve what readers didn't like.
cool story
That was cool.
The story really did not revel much about the world this is set in to me, expect that coming to work late is a big no-no.
And also why would the guy just throw himself into a hole of fire?
Maybe this will be explained later, I hope so.
“Who is to say? For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction. For everything good there is a dark counterpart. It is the only way to maintain balance,” explained the Agedis this a proper name? If it isn't, don't capitalize the A.
“Enough of your riddles old man!”put a comma after riddles
“Aha ha ha!” cackled the Aged, “such slander. It has been far to long since I was thought of as an equal.”capitalize the s in such.
The plaza glittered from the many fountains spraying water into the air.change this to a comma. Catching the moonlight and reflecting like hundreds of stars. The heat grew as Berello came closer to the center of the plaza. Heat escaped the great hole before him. A giant hole built in the center of a great city. put an It was hereDug when the city was first built as a reminder for those who didn’t work.
His clothes burned away. Searing flesh, stinging against the air. So much pain. Eyes watering and squinting from the pain. Flailing body colliding with burning sides of the tunnel. When will it end…Please, make it end…Gasping for breath Berello could feel the last remnants of his life leaving his naked and disgraced body. I think there would be a little bit more than tears and closed eyes. I think he'd be screaming in pain, or at least crying out.
I thought that this story was intriguin and well written. Besides the little bit of things I changed, I thought it was really good. Post more soon.
I took "Stupid Ass old man" to be a curse from the main character seeing as it is in thought formatting.
The first thing I though when I read the title was Work or Die? Read or Die! (yet more proof that I am a sad sad person) A-nyway.
Something about this doesn't sit right with me. I think it's the 'ass' that puts me off as I'm not soo sure how I'm meant to read it, is he a stupid ass, in which case I'd stick a comma inbetween the two, or Ass old? Whatever that might mean
Also another thing that got me was that alot of your sentances are just simple ones, single statements which you could string together with commas, conjunctions or other things to change them into longer complex ones. Ath them moment when I read it it feels a bit stabby (if that makes any sense -_-") but that could be a good thing if you want it.
Okay, I didn't like Berello at the beginning, with the 'Aged', mainly because he seems a litte big headed, but after that I did come to like him a little more, feel sorry for him. Though why was he throwing himself into this hole?
Well that's me done. I did like it and I would like to read more.
Bye bye now,
Fish!
Yeah, the questions I asked were probably my intrigue into the story.
Well. There will definantly be more. I was going for the whole just enough info to make you want to read and continue to get the whole story.
As for the can this be part I think it was meant to be a thought of Berello before he lost conciousness and i forgot the italics.
Thanks for the comments guys.
I liked how you started it in the middle of a conversation of the Aged. But what were the character's motives for visiting the Aged? What is the Aged's status in society.
ANother thing that confused me is this "work" reference, I dont quite understand.
You may also want to explain about the water earlier on in the story as well.
Yea, I agree with lampshade on the whole. This isnt my type of story, but I thought I'd read it - a good choice, lol.
One comment though: You will be adding more information about the character, won't you? I mean, I have no idea WHERE he is, WHO he is..
quote:
Can this be?
I don't quite understand the abve sentence...
-elein
Nice job, it seems to be pretty good to me. Just make sure you write some more in it so we can fully understand it because right now it is a little confusing.
Thanks. This just kind of happened. I was sitting in class and got out a piece of paper and this si what happened. I'm working more and i just don't know where this idea came from.
It's a little scary.
You are shaping a very real world here and at a good pace. Nice start. Dialogue is always a nice start. There is a city here. It seems to be a very strange city. Unique in some way though you have left that pretty open.
You've already shaped a nice character. I like his attitude. The little bit that you've shown at least.
Very short for a chapter. It would serve as a nice prologue though.
This is my only questionable part:
Where or what is he rising from? He hasn't knelt down from what you've written here.
Nice beginning altogether.
As always,
Miss POKE