A poem there once was
sitting in this thread
I delteted it like lightining
so I may go to bed
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Don't sulk.
*Thread Locked*
gah. Didn't make me laugh.
Made me upset that I wasted my time critting a piece you clearly don't care about.
Lol. Oh yes, the second is much better. Hehe.
I'm only joking, it wasn't that bad Adam and no poem deserves to be deleted and replaced by a few lines. It made me laugh though =)
I'm assuming that this isn't actually the poem, but a "poem has been deleted" message?
To be far this isn't really the poem Whence critted. But I think we can all agree
Adam's poem = doo doo poo poo.
...the idea of the poem was good. but like Whence said, it should be more fresh...i don't know, i liked how the world's problem came into this poem...but it didn't really flow like it should...ya know?
i'm not the greatest, but just let it fllow!
Muy Bien!
---Lora
Do I have to? Can't I just forget I wrote it?
*Smacks head on desk*
I wrote what?
Adam I'm sorry but this was just plain EEWWW when you're mad its good to write a poem but when you've calmed down you should go back and work on it, make it less clishe, make it flow, give it a beat, this was more like an orgnized rant.
I agree with Kitty and Ed. I think you need to use stronger words and stronger images--give the poem a backbone, so to speak. As it is, it's kind a lethargic, languishing poem--just sort of floats along on the topic. You want it to take a stand, not just point a finger. Make your point, make it hard, and make sure the reader doesn't forget it. ^_~
The poem is pretty but like Whence said, it's rather cliche. I'd like to see some really in depth imagery here and some thought provoking faults that you've found withing the human race. You don't really state why we've failed. What is it we've done that's so bad? A lot of things come to my mind when I ask the question but I want to see your own, unique ideas on where our actions are flawed.
The ending should be "then" not "then." That typo just... slaughters the poem. O_o
Anyway, I think at this point you're using too many adjectives or simple words to support your poem when really, the poem should support the adjectives (if that makes sense). Thta isn't saying that simplicity is necessarily bad... it's just that I would rather have more allusions and all that jazz to support your words instead.
Anyway, hope that helps!
the ending didn't seem to fit in with the mood of the rest of the poem. And how can a mind and knowledge meld together? Isn't that sort of redundant? The images seemed to lead into no where, and the whole thing didn't do much for me emotionally.
Anyways... I think you could take this idea and make it a lot fresher; more unique. Yes, tempered steel and pure gold is all loverly if you're writing a cliche fantasy novel, but try to take it to something new and unique.
And if you're actually serious about improving your poetry, read around. See what others do right, what you like, and how you can emulate it while twisting it to make it your own.
Happy reading,
~Ed