Ch. 2
Natsumi took a deep breath and shook her head, rustling the trees. The imp shut her eyes and tried to focus on something else, anything else. She didn't want to think about that fox. She listened to the birds chattering away at one another. It was a dispute about a nesting spot. She smelled the leaves and dirt churned up from the humans trudging home after chasing the fox. She felt the dogs pawing over her land. She tasted the water dripping off their fur, and smelled their lust for fresh meat.
She heard the leaves crinkling under feet. She felt the old trees upon their shoulders groan and sigh with the tension and sweat of the hands upon them. She could almost smell the water dripping off the fox's coat, not quite dry from their encounter in the river. She knew exactly where the little creature was. He headed towards the metal that she tasted not far from the town. He was going back to retrieve it.
Why did he steal from the humans? What good was their metal?
She tried to feel out the metal, to identify it, but all she found was a jumbled mess of cold zing. The metal was not receptive to her. She felt the ground around it, trying to discover the shape, but the bed of dulling leaves hindered her senses enough that she could not tell.
Was this also shiny metal?
She saw the bright blue eyes staring at her. A shiver of excitement and fear shot through her. She wrapped her arms around herself as she tried to chase away the cold. Her shirt wrapped itself around her shoulders, and vines wound down her arms protecting her from the invisible cold that had yet to come.
Suddenly modest, the imp fled higher into the evergreen, balancing on slim branches which would not support a real weight. She cuddled into the needles as they covered her in a protective green.
What did they look like?
Her feet flew across the trees until she managed to find the cold metal pressing at her ground. She knelt in front of the little bush that covered the metal. The metal was snatched away by a furry little black mouth. Natsumi yelped and jumped back again, staring through the bush at the little black fox which swished his fluffy whitish black tail and bounded through the forest, happy as can be.
Elated, Natsumi followed the joy she felt radiating off the little creature. She smiled and giggled as she skipped after it enjoying the way he lept about. She felt the wind twirl the leaves behind her as she followed the little fox.
The fox paused as he felt the wind creep around to flutter over his tail. He glanced behind himself with his ears twitching around as he tried to hear the girl.
Natsumi froze in her spot, staring at the fox as he seemed to consider this new development. He was staring right at her, but his eyes didn't meet hers. He was looking at tattered ends of her leafy skirt. She smiled brightly. He couldn't see her. He could feel her.
"You came back," he remarked around his mouthful of jewels.
Natsumi yelped, regardless, and scurried away from her spot staring at the jewels. She stumbled, falling onto her hands as she pushed herself up and ran up the nearest tree. She curled up in the branches and stared down at the creature speaking to her.
Piercing blue eyes stared after her. She shivered and hid from him like a squirrel hiding from a dog. She pressed her back against the tree trunk, trying to sink into the wood.
"Fine, if you're going to give up that easy I don't mind." The fox replied gently. His voice was deep and growled like a dog.
She shivered as it dug into her curiosity. She had never really heard a human speak like that. It was such a deep rich tone that bellowed out through the lowest waves of air. The imp couldn't imagine a human sounding like that, but behind her stood a tall black haired male human figure, in place of the fox. She thought of Thoth, but this man was taller. His features were stretched as well, like someone had shaken his sand loose over fresh ground.
She peaked around the tree. Her eyes raked over the exposed chest. His muscles hid beneath soft flesh. She could only imagine it would be like snuggling into a pile of feathers rather than the rough hardness of a chiseled man. Her claws caught on the ridges of the bark as her red eyes trailed up the smooth thin neck, past the apple, and through his jaw. His face was pointy. She giggled as a soft smile broke over her face. His nose was cute. It was small and button round. He had freckles over his cheeks too.
"Don't laugh at me," he snipped in a high enough pitch for a human to hear.
The imp hid behind the tree again, a tactical retreat.
How could he hear her?
A glint of light flashed past the trunk of the tree. She slipped around the other side to stare out at the man. He was examining a glittery gold band of metal, but the flash was blue. She crept closer, over the trees, changing into a small squirrel. Her pulse slammed through her like a drumming of rain in the thickest storm. She flicked her bushy tail around as she looked down at the glittering band. The light barely caught it.
The fox turned away from her and headed out onto the path from the humans.
Natsumi chattered, upset that he wouldn't let her see. She chased after him jumping to a tree ahead of him to look down at the items he rolled in his grasp. He pocketed them.
Angry, Natsumi changed forms and hopped down in front of him reaching for his pocket. She wanted to see the shiny too! How dare he hide it from her before she got a chance to see it.
The fox slipped around her with a simple side step. He continued to walk as if he'd never seen the attack.
"Hey!" Natsumi yelled angrily. Her short legs carried her ahead of the man until she stopped with her hands on her plump hips glaring up at him. "I wanted to see those!"
"I thought you wanted to hide?" he challenged with a smirk pooling his left cheek together beneath his eye. A glint of white tooth pulled from his mouth.
Natsumi's brow furrowed into a glare as she dropped her chin into her chest and crossed her arms. The vines pulled at her wrists trying to calm her down. She ignored them in favor of glaring at the poorly clothed humanoid. "Let me see them."
"They are not yours, little imp," the fox admonished. "Stay in your home and ignore me. I have much to do and not enough time."
The imp felt her heart drop. The fox passed her. His head was up as confident as ever even in his pale, tattered vest-of-a-shirt and dirty, brown pants. Natsumi huffed and spun on her toes chasing after him. Her dug into the tailored ground leaving behind potholes for carriage wheels.
"Must you follow me?" The fox huffed at the little imp which only came up to his chest in height.
"I must. I want to see them." Natsumi replied. She shivered as he stared at her. He could hear her, it was like he was one of her own kind, but instead, he was a fox.
"Isn't there a rule against strangers seeing you?" His voice dribbled down her back like a hot summer rain.
Natsumi stopped and frowned. "There is almost a rule against it." She took a deep breath, puffing out her chest and ruffling her skirt before continuing after the fox.
"Oh? What is the 'almost rule'?"
"Do not let humans see our kind," she offered catching up to his side where he had the jewelry tucked away in his pocket.
"Let me see it?" she requested gently. She cupped her hands and reached them out towards the little pocket in his ratty pants. She arched her back in towards him as she bent her head back to look up the length of the tall creature.
"No." The fox denied looking down his pointy nose at her.
"Please?" she requested as her back curled out to hunch her shoulders up and flick herself out in front of him walking backwards as quickly as she walked forwards, completely sure of her surroundings. Her curly hair fumbled over her shoulders like a new bird learning how to fly. It bounced against her back as the wind pulled at her skirt trying to curl her up in a ball and drag her into a cuddle with her object of delight.
"No." He replied. He stared out towards the next bank of the road doing his best to completely ignore the imp.
The little brown haired girl stopped dead in her tracks as her hair straightened as best it could and fell into her face. Her heathered hair covered her eyebrows as they knit together. She felt the fox distance himself quicker. His stride was longer now. She hurried after him. She couldn't let him run away too far! She needed to see what they looked like.
Coming up on his left now, she peered up at him, curious and cautious.
How could she see them? They were so well hidden in his pocket and she couldn't get into it without him knowing. Maybe when he slept he would let his guard down enough that she could see them.
Her lips pursed as she thought, looking over the fox's face.
"Don't have something better to do?" He asked, his gaze unmoving.
The imp paused again, but just for a second to fall behind the man. She trailed him.
"Where are you going?" she asked aloud as she felt the sudden need to just stay by his side and ignore his attacks.
The fox ignored her in favor of staring at the horizon.
"Is it to the mountains?" She questioned as she caught up with his arm again, once more on his right side with the metal in his pocket. She could feel the dirt that gathered there pressing against the cool taste of iron. It was strange to smell the fire from them. "My neighbor says you head towards the mountains and that I should be careful. I don't know much about the world away."
"Then you should not travel there," The fox replied quickly. "If you get too far away you'll starve to death."
Natsumi dropped her head and stared at the wheel-trodden land. "I want to know," she whispered quietly. "I want to see it." She felt tears well up in her eyes as a sudden anxiety and loneliness crept forward. She didn't know where the feeling came from.
She shook her shoulders, down to her waist and legs. She shook through her head and down to her toes and fingers, trying to get off that awful lack of something. Her skirt fluffed around her waist and came back duller hues of orange and red. Green speckled the trim with small specks of yellow.
The fox paused, his steps missing a beat as he gazed down at her. "What?"
"I want to see it!" She told him again, her soft high voice carrying up in an assured bolt of energy.
"No, why did you just, whatever?" he asked roughly circling her with his hand.
"Whatever? It is not whatever." She frowned and crossed her arms over her chest looking away from the man with her nose up towards the trees.
"What was that?"
"I am not telling you," she shook her head, a sharp decisive snap from side to side.
The fox slowed to watch the little creature at his side. "You are strange, little imp."
Her eyes caught his in a glare. "I am strange? You will not show me your trinkets! All I want to see are your trinkets," she nearly pouted.
"They are my trinkets. I am not obligated to show them to you," he huffed in return.
"But I want to see the trinkets and then I may be on my way."
"May?" he picked out. His gray eyebrow perked into his messy hairline.
"May. You intrigue me Fox, and I can hardly quench my curiosity."
"Well then I shall never be rid of you. I dare say I am the most interesting creature in all the lands," he gloated with a self-assured smile casting over his face.
"How many of the lands have you been to?" Natsumi asked in all seriousness, completely believing the impish fox.
The fox's smile fell. "You don't get out much at all," he mused. "I have been to," he frowned and took the time to consider the number. "I have been to around thirty of your territories. The young territories are hard to distinguish from the others."
"Am I often chasing you?"
The fox glanced down at her. "Around five imps have followed me, yes. You won't last long. You're too green."
"Green." She felt it on her tongue. Her skirt fluffed around, shimmering about her legs in dislike. "I am not green! My colors are of fall. I am not as evergreen as Thoth," she denied adamantly. She crossed her arms over her chest again, sure that he would give up if she just stood her ground.
The fox chuckled and smiled fondly down at the student. "You are naive." the light in his was almost too much for Natsumi to ignore. "That is what I mean by green." Her arms dropped back to her sides.
"Oh." Natsumi dropped her head as her skirt wilted. "I am."
"It would be bad of you to follow me." He began to walk again. "I am heading towards much more disaster than you should be involved with."
"Adventure? What adventures do you like?"
"The naughty kind." He flashed a smile across his shoulder. "You should stay here little imp. These lands need you. You have humans creeping in on your territory. If you leave, they may take it over."
"No, the humans will not crawl my way. It is much too hard to come this way from the river. My forests are thick and strong."
"They are not. You must stay here little imp, or you will be overtaken by them."
"I do not believe you sneaky fox. You are lying to get rid of me so you do not have to show me your trinkets."
"Suit yourself then." The fox continued towards the horizon.
Natsumi paused and stared after him. Her head tipped as she turned her heels out as she stood on her toes, perched like a flower begging to be smelt. Her arms hung limply. Her neck was extended up and out towards the man as her face gently screwed into a frown. She tipped it towards the sun as she watched his retreating back.
End of chapter
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138,389 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
CRYING. That chapter read so much like a Harlequin romance novel, but with way less sex. Oh, God. I can't stop laughing.
Sorry. Let me collect myself. Also, I should probably explain that so you can fix the bits that made me think that way. Whew, boy. Okay.
Okay, so it starts reading that way (to me) when the fox turns into a man. Not because he's a man, but because all of a sudden Natsumi's eyes are "raking over his exposed chest" at the "hard muscles beneath the soft flesh," and she's imagining that snuggling into it would feel more like "snuggling into a pile of feathers rather than the rough hardness of a chiseled man," and then he tells her that he's going on "naughty adventures," and I just...
I'm so sorry.Although I must say, I wish actual Harlequin romance novels would use the phrase "poorly dressed" when referring to the fact that the male lead isn't wearing any clothing.
ANYWAY, apart from the fact that all this makes this chapter read bizarrely like a Harlequin romance, it seems a bit strange that Natsumi would be SO FOCUSED on this aspect of the man's appearance. I mean, she's basically a little kid, right? A young imp? That's how she reads. She's focused on fun, being able to grow fox's ears herself, and the fox's trinkets. So it's kind of weird that she'd be focused on his chest/muscles instead of, I don't know, the ways he still resembles the fox even in his human form or something like that.
Speaking of which, we do get the best description so far of the fox more than any other character--both when he is in fox-form (I picture a silver fox, but maybe less shaggy) and when he is in human-form. Because Natsumi, our viewpoint character, is able to sit and look at him, we get a reasonable description condensed together so that we aren't left wondering what any of these people look like.
Natsumi, however, I'm less clear on than ever. Maybe it's difficult to describe her because she changes shape; I'm not sure. The problem is that you keep trying to describe her by throwing in phrases like "the brown-haired girl." Not all of these phrases match up with each other, and they're so scattered that it's hard to keep a single image of our main character in mind.
Trust me: I know it's tough to get a description of the viewpoint character across. I'm normally terrible at it. (That and setting.) But we have to have at least some concrete idea of what she looks like. I think getting a description out of the way right at the outset of the story is best, because at that point it's still us looking in on her more than her looking in on herself (which gets awkward unless you describe her seeing herself in a mirror, which is terribly cliched).
In your case, I'd suggest using her shapeshifting to describe her as she's sitting in that tree back at the beginning of chapter one. How does her appearance differ from normal at that moment? Is she blending in with the tree in any way? Is her blending in part of her normal appearance (and her connection to nature/her land), or is it something she shifted into?
P.S. I still love her connection with nature. Like when the birds are quarreling nearby and you tell us "It was a dispute about a nesting spot," which she would know because of the connection. I also love that because of that she misunderstood when the fox called her "green." Adorable.
I'm still quite confused about a lot of what's going on or being discussed in this chapter--I think you have a habit of trying to cram too much information into a discussion between characters, resulting in reader confusion more than understanding. However, I'm curious to know more about the fox's "adventures," his reasons for stealing from humans, and what he actually is. (A fox who can transform into a human? Another imp? A shapeshifter of some other type?)
Blue
Totally forgot this.
Oh.
I decided to read this!
Okay...
Pega here.
This was really good! I love your writing style, and I can see the characters wonderfully! I love how she is 'green' trying to learn what the fox is carrying.
It was an overall good story. And I may read the rest, as it caught my interest...
Well,
Happy Review Day!
Thanks,
ShadowWings, aka, pegasugirl2
The two first sentences of the story catch my attention. Natsumi shaking her head is directly followed by the trees rustling in unease almost as though there's a correlation between two. That's intriguing. We see this later when she chases after the fox -the leaves twirl behind her with the breeze of air.
No, she cannot "taste" the lust for their prey. Natsumi can sense it, feel energy, but taste? Now that's a stretch. Also, try imagining taste lust -yes, it's a very lewd image. I'll leave it at that.
The italicized bit makes me wonder: who is touching these trees? Hands imply humans or some sort of monkey/ape. What's going on there? Last I recall, the humans left for home with disappointment dragging them down.
Cold metal pressing against her ground.
I concur with magpie94, that it was an overload of description for the fox snatching his metal. Also, that's strange for a fox's mouth to be described as furry. The mouth itself is not furry. I don't understand the need to emphasize he did this with his mouth. It can be assumed that he fox did this with his mouth because he's a fox. It's not as though he has hands.
Unnecessary amount of adjectives, I suggest dropping little and black. You utilize black too much in this piece. Give us some new adjectives that yield further insights.
The black fox swished his fluffy tail. The tip reminded her of a brush: that had been dipped in white paint.
I don't recall it being a mouthful of jewels earlier -it was merely stated that it was a metallic object. I suggest you have the fox drop his goodies in the desire to speak clearly otherwise I can only imagine him awkwardly tossing words around.
He's a fox. This is not surprising. Tell us the texture of his voice, does it rumble -is it gravelly? How deep is his voice? I understand you tell us later that the voice bellowed, but still no texture.
As magpie94, I became confused. Human, where? When did the fox turn into a human? Isn't there a process to this? Make it clear that this is the fox.
I will tell you again. Rough hardness does not work in conjunction of a human's flesh. Rough suggests uneven texture while hardness is too vague. Flesh no matter what is soft unless we're talking about a body builder in which the muscles do feel like steel -the skin is still soft though. This isn't something the protagonist is stating -this is narration.
I forgot to ask, is he nude? He is without a shirt: that much we know. Many sentences later, you describe that he's poorly clothed, but right now. I'm wondering if he's naked. Please clarify this early on and establish he's dressed in something.
Well, he is a fox right? Let's have more fox traits related to his human form. I would suggest:
He yelped crossing his arms.
You can't yelp in a low pitch.
Teeth do not pull from the mouth. Lips pull away from the mouth to reveal the teeth.
Tailored ground is a very strange description for a road. I suggest finding something else although it does become clear with the "potholes for carriage wheels," however I do believe they didn't have asphalt back then. I suppose tailored you meant a cleared road.
This is strange to say "our kind" on the basis that he is not an imp. Have her be clear that they're different otherwise, the reader could easily read that as though the imp and fox are related in the sense of being both from a similar branch of magical beings.
Weathered? What did you mean to say here?
I particularly enjoyed this portion. The vivid description reminds us how she's quite magical in unexpected ways.
How does someone "roughly circle" another person with a single hand? I don't understand what's going on. Is he twirling her against her will or is she moving along with the gesture he made?
He has black hair, but gray eyebrows? That's most certainly strange.
It's adorable. The scene in which the fox derisively snorts that she's green and she protests otherwise. He clarifies she's naive -and there's no protest there. That was precious.
Not a fan of this comparison. She's doesn't want to be smelt or attended to, she's observing him -appraising him.
I love this line. It's unique to her. She's part of the land and it literally shows. It makes me wonder if that's her beauty regime or merely her being careless: careless in the sense that she feels the land and then rubs her eyebrow.
In general, I would like you to read over this piece -count how many times you use certain adjectives and then replace them with ones that will provide new insights. As magpie94 stated, it would be a welcome change if you altered the way you mention the characters beyond "she", imp, dark wolf, and so on.
Hello, there.
Note: I'm really rubbish at reviewing things other than poetry. I'll do my best, though. And I can't review this whole chapter if I'm going to be thourough at all. So I'll stop at a certain point. At which point, I haven't decided yet. We'll see.
Nice description at the beginning. I can see the scene. However, you should vary your sentence structure. Almost every sentence that describes begins with "she." It gets boring and repetitive fast. Try simply focusing on what is around her, and not what she feels or sees.
"the imp fled higher into the evergreen." Just wanted to tell you how much I liked this line.
"furry little black mouth." Whoa. Hold up on the adjective train, there. Choose one. Or two, at maximum. But three distracts.
Okay, when the fox starts talking to her, I'm confused. What's with the blue eyes? Does the fox have blue eyes? Are animals supposed to be able to talk to her?
"She had never really heard a human talk like that." What human? I thought she was talking to the fox? Maybe it's because I haven't read the first chapter. If that is true, ignore these questions. (Oh never mind, I see. But still. What?)
"she peaked around the tree" should be "peeked"
Okay. I think you need to better identify who is talking. I'm still confused. But not quite as confused.
Here is where I will stop. I like your description. Perhaps I'll be back to review more on this later. But I must be going. Happy writing!