z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Searching for Security 1.2

by Aley


Chapter 1, Part 1

The fox slowed as he reached the raging river. He stopped in a bush, staring out at the churning, white washed tides. The little black fox was nowhere near tall enough to make it across swimming. The imp watched with curiosity as the fox stood at the edge, his ears twitching about and his tail flicking in annoyance. She fluttered across and sat on a branch watching patiently from her spot as his enchanting blue eyes darted up and down the river. They were nearly the only things visible to the imp from across the river.

The fox curled up, the black pelt glittering with the beginning of his winter coat, and shut his eyes. Natsumi changed back to her humanoid form, curious about what he was doing.

What was he waiting for?

She carefully hopped out to a rock that almost broke the surface of the river. Her red and gold skirt fluttered with the wind of the crashing water which splashed around her legs. She crossed her arms over her branchy top, staring at the ball of fur, just out of her reach. Her auburn eyes focused into slits as she watched the creature anxiously. Her stocky brown hair, speckled with shrieks of red clay, and black dirt, tickled her shoulders.

Dogs padded through her river towards their owners in her neighbor's land.

A deep chuckle echoed through the shuttering leaves. "Do you want me to kick him out?" Her neighbor asked from his spot hidden in an evergreen. "All it would take is a little push."

"No. He was watching me." She cautioned glancing up at her companion. She could feel his calming grace of bulky resilience waiting patiently. It annoyed her. "He just needs time to stop being so shy and dive in. Thoth, you said he was a thief. Is he mine?" she asked sweetly. A smile broke across her face as she folded her hands behind her back hoping that he was. Her voice was high and sharp. She had a throaty tone to her voice even with its pitch. It would be so much easier if he was already her resident.

"I don't know where he belongs." Thoth jumped out to the river with her, standing in his short, muddy glory. Evergreen branches hugged his chest as his deciduous leaves colored his short, pokey hair cherry blond. His sharp reddish eyes tore into her with dull curiosity. "He has passed me many times. He takes his shiny trinkets passed my lands towards the mountains."

Natsumi shivered and rubbed her bare freckled arms. "He takes them to the mountains? That is awfully far." Her head dropped in defeat as she gazed into the water. An urge to play came over the imp. She knelt and splashed the water through her hands. Fish took the blame for their invisible master. "Why can't he just be mine?" she pouted, splashing the water at Thoth, "I want to run around as a fox. I will hardly be able to sleep without time to play."

Thoth gave a throaty laugh and the fox's head flicked up to eye the two imps. He looked through the ghosts and into the lands. "My, his ears are sharp." Thoth whispered. He held out a hand to Natsumi with a gentle smile, "My dear, we do not always get who we want as our residents. Sometimes our only forms will be deer and finches."

Natsumi accepted his hand with her left, standing up again. "I understand Thoth, but perhaps you should stay on your land so you do not to haunt him." Natsumi giggled, covering her apple red lips with her lanky hand. "I might be able to convince him."

"He will live." Thoth dismissed focusing on the creature at his side. "If you go with him, how do you intend to cross the lands?"

Natsumi gently pulled Thoth up onto the rock next to her. "Carefully. I understand the risks of being seen by humans."

"Careful is not safe enough for those journeys Natsumi." Thoth put their shoulders together. "If you go further than three lands, you will have to remain in this form. You could be heard by the humans. If you dare venture passed there, they will begin to see you." Thoth's thick hand shoved out towards the fox. "Already, the gifted fox can hear me and I am on the edge of my own land."

"The gifted creatures are different than humans," Natsumi absently claimed, not really believing herself. She pawed away the fly of irritation he presented. "We can never completely cut ourselves away from our gifted brethren. You are the one who taught me that we helped create the gifted creatures," she scolded bluntly.

Natsumi stared towards her counterpart focusing on him completely. "You have made such an adventure from your land." She reached out to touch a white hot scar that ran across Thoth's right eye. "You made a new home here after fleeing from gorge before the mountains."

"I made a home because of luck." Thoth hopped out of the river before she could touch it. "You must be safe. If you do not feel safe, you must come home. Remember the laws of our kind, Natsumi."

"I am not a child." Natsumi's eyes thinned as she glared at her neighbor. "I am just naïve to the world. Do not think me a complete fool."

The fox splashed into the water with a mighty leap. Natsumi yelped as she slipped backwards, landing in the river with a triumphant splash. She sputtered back to the surface as the fox landed on the far side, and crawled out behind him.

Thoth laughed and flashed into the trees.

The fox shook before trotting away into her heavy leaves.

Natsumi could only stare after the creature, curious, and surprised. She broke into a flash to follow the fox. Out of the water, Natsumi's hair mimicked the young river, splashing across her back. Her skirt tried to regain the colors of fall which shattered across her lands, and her feet fell heavily across the rocks and beds of leaves. The fox lead her back towards the village, much to her disdain.

The black fox buried himself in a bush not far from the river, aimlessly licking off the water from his fur. To get more water off, he shook like a wet dog and began to paw at his ears, clearing them. The white shattering through his black fur made him glitter like the shiny trinket he stole.

Natsumi ran her clawed hands through her bushy hair as she watched the fox. He kept his back to the imp as he cleaned off, ignoring her. She slowly walked closer to him, curious as ever about why he would steal from the humans. The imp circled him, her wet feet leaving small dips in the land.

"I know you're watching me Imp," addressed the fox. His ear flicked back towards her as his foot planted itself on the ground. He tipped his head some so his blue eye could see across his squared shoulder, but he did not look back.

Natsumi yelped and jumped away from the creature fleeing into the trees, far enough away to hide from his sight.

"You won't last long," he nearly sounded disappointed. His voice was low like a rumble of a waterfall in the distance. The fox's lip caught on his front long fang as he held back a sneer. His ears flicked back against his skull at the thought before he began to search for something else to listen to.

The long black ears scanned the forest. She stiffened and held her breath. She shut her eyes and prayed he would not sense her. Fear and dread coursed through her like the first snow. He was on her land, he was supposed to ignore her. Only her residents could see her, hear her, feel her, only them! Now this stranger was invading her privacy, she could feel his small butt against her side, on her land, and he could hear her? She heard him begin to lick away the water again, ignoring her. Carefully, Natsumi opened her eyes to peek out at the small stranger on her lands.

The long strands of white that fluffed out from his black coat lay flat against his legs. Water dripped off his belly. Thick tufts of white fur peaked out from the thinnest spots of black. His black fur still covered his back, head, and tail, but it was weaning gradually.

The fox curled up completely hiding his white fur from view and stared into her tree.

Natsumi froze as his piercing blue eyes dug into her. She felt a shock shutter down her back as she leaned into the trunk of her tree.

An angry squirrel chattered furiously from a branch above the fox's bush. He flicked his puffy tail like it was a dead skull that threatened him. The resident puffed and ranted at the beast below him scurrying slowly closer as he gathered up courage in his blind rage.

Natsumi bit her lips puffing out her own cheeks as her brows furrowed in frustration. She knew the mindless creature would continue until it was satisfied with the fox's reaction.

The fox's ears fell back when the squirrel began to squeak at him from nearly within range to snap at his tail. He shot a glare up at the creature, but quickly relented from his hiding spot, scooping up the small bangle of metal and vanishing into the woods. Natsumi sighed with relief as the fox left.

She couldn't follow him. He was already aware of her and that was the first warning sign. He would never lose his awareness of her, so she could never be secret around him. She felt her gut wrench as she realized her curiosity would go unanswered. She couldn't just let this die. She had to know if she could become a cute creature like him, and she wanted to know more about him! Those eyes of his were like the sea's own blue and she so desperately wished to see them again even if they scared the life from her bones.

Cursing under her breath, Natsumi retreated to her favorite evergreen on the edge of the river near Thoth's land. She needed to ignore this passerby and move on. Perched upon the scraggly branch of her evergreen, she felt her frustration well like a tremor.

"Is something the matter my dear?" Thoth questioned from across the river.

"There is. The fox knew I was there."

Thoth was silent.

Natsumi glanced towards her northern counterpart. "I want to follow him. He's piqued my curiosity." Natsumi took in a deep breath. Her small chest heaved with effort to fill itself. "Even knowing that I shouldn't let him know me, I want to have him as my resident."

"You could show yourself to him. It's not a law to avoid the gifted beings, just humans."

Natsumi let out a great sigh and her lips pouted out as she stared towards Thoth, calmed by his words. "What was your adventure about?" Natsumi questioned Thoth.

She heard him rustle, an unsettled feeling washed between them as the water's churned with effort to part them still.

Natsumi sighed and shook her head. "Never mind, I'm sure I would know if it was necessary. You gave me the knowledge I needed when I was formed."

"I shall tell you anyway," Thoth crossed the river, and came to rest at her side, settling in for a long tale. Natsumi watched his bulky muscular form shutter and relax until finally, he was ready, his war-torn body looking out of place beside her elegant bulky glory. "We were chased out by humans. They used to live across these lands, at the time, before The Storm."

"Our storm," Natsumi whispered quietly, dropping her eyes. She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Right. They killed all the trees, and began to reap the land of nutrient like they do here, so we left. Nearly 5 of our kind were kidnapped, and used for weather production."

Natsumi took a slow, long breath. "I was one of them?"

"No, your soul was initially killed in battle against them when we tried to fight them off." Thoth reached out and put a hand on her thigh, patting it. "She was drained of her nutrient soil, trees, and everyone left her lands."

Silence eased between them like the sighing of two boulders into their slots. Natsumi shivered as she rubbed her shoulders. Her mind fluttered over the fox that plagued her thoughts. Thoth waited for her quiet to break.

"Why is he gifted!" Natsumi focused on Thoth with a heavy frown screwing her bushy brown eyebrows together. "I have not run into many gifted kind."

"You would have to ask him." Thoth's amusement raked Natsumi's anger. "There are many different ways that the gifted come about."

Natsumi frowned again and stared off towards the small creature on her lands. "He needs to leave. I can't stand not knowing with him here!" She stood on her branch and glared towards the creature creeping through her trees.

"How do you know he knew you were there?"

"He called out to me, and looked for me. I think he could hear me."

"Nonsense. He could feel you if he knew you were there." Thoth stood up on the branch, ready to leave. "Go ahead and follow him. He cannot do much. It is worth it for your poor nerves." Thoth offered waving the girl off. He headed back into his woods.

Chapter 2, Part 1


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Thu Jul 03, 2014 4:14 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



So, you know how in the last chapter, reviewers told you that you were using "past" when you should've been using "passed?" You took that advice too much to heart, my friend.

He takes his shiny trinkets passed my lands towards the mountains.


Here is an example where it would've been correct to use "past." Quick tutorial!

Pass--passing--passed: A verb. "To move in a specific direction; to leave something behind or aside as you go." i.e., Steve and Natasha passed through many dangers to reach their destination. Steve passed the other runner several times. Synonyms: go, proceed, move, progress, travel

Past: Adj, noun, preposition, or adverb. "Gone by in time and no longer existing; any moment prior to the present; to or on the further side of; to pass from one side of something to the other." i.e., Steve's time as a superhero is not yet past. Steve was frozen at the bottom of the ocean seventy years in the past. Steve ran past the Washington Monument. Synonyms: bygone, the olden days, along

The funny thing is, you used "passed" correctly in the previous sentence:

He has passed me many times.


So leave that one along and change the next one.

Sorry to focus so much time on that. I just thought it was funny, given that you had the opposite issue in the last chapter.

Ahem. Moving on.

Okay, so the opening description in this part of the chapter is more direct, less flowery. And that's good. I have a better picture of what's going on and what things look like than I did before (although later in the chapter you kind of revert to the more poetic language again). However, watch for how many character descriptors you throw at us all at once--not in a short few sentences of "here's what the character looked like," but by using unnecessary adjectives in sentences that otherwise have nothing to do with description:

She crossed her arms over her branchy top, staring at the ball of fur, just out of her reach. Her auburn eyes focused into slits as she watched the creature anxiously. Her stocky brown hair, speckled with shrieks of red clay, and black dirt, tickled her shoulders.


Yes, you get more of Natsumi's description across (although kind of late in the chapter, considering we've been with her since about the third sentence of the story), but rather than setting it up as description, you set it up as action that just happens to have a buttload of adjectives in it. It's clunky and unnatural and comes across as you trying to describe your characters without slowing down the story.

Which ideally, of course, you want to do, but (again, being the kind of person who severely struggles with this, in general) not in such a way that we can tell that's what you're doing. Don't be afraid to give us a brief descriptive paragraph earlier on--especially since the story starts with Natsumi sitting in a tree, rather than some crazy action-packed thing.

Also, I'm not a hundred percent sure what you mean by "branchy top." I'm picturing a club-hopping sort of tube-top but made out of tree branches instead of glitter-covered stretch fabric.

So, question.

He was on her land, he was supposed to ignore her. Only her residents could see her, hear her, feel her, only them!


All this time, Natsumi has been wondering--nay, hoping the fox is one of her residents...yet when he realizes she's there, her immediate reaction is to panic because he shouldn't be able to see her, rather than hopefully thinking that this means he is, in fact, one of her residents. I mean, unless there's a reason she now knows he's NOT hers. In which case, you need to clarify that so this sentence makes more sense.

To be honest, the whole "ghosts" thing was super-confusing at first, but I kind of picked up on it more later in the chapter. I'm also somewhat confused by the backstory of the creation of the imps and Natsumi's former soul and all of that, in addition to wondering why it's important right now. She was so determined to go after the fox, but then she suddenly freaks out and stops for a chat with Thoth about something they both already knows. It feels too much like setting up backstory for the reader.

Don't be afraid to let the backstory go for now. Skip it and get into the part where Thoth and Natsumi are talking about the fox again. It'll keep the story tighter and more to the point--or at least what the point is at the moment--and be less awkward and confusing for readers.

I am curious about the gifted creatures, too. I feel like maybe that could be a bit more discussed in this chapter, since the fox is apparently a gifted...but that could just be me wanting to know more about it. So I'll read further tomorrow and see what I find out.

I will say this: at the end of both of these parts so far, I've been left with one question that is enough to excite my curiosity and make me want to read further, because I have enough faith in the story to assume my question will be answered sooner or later. You're very good at that.

Blue

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:34 pm
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carbonCore wrote a review...



I'm starting to get the setting here. A spirit like Natsumi looks after some certain part of the land, including the animals that live there, the trees, and the earth itself. Animals which fall under Natsumi's protection are called "residents", and anyone else is an invader.

In this case, I still don't understand Natsumi's motivation for going after that fox. Do land spirits really have nothing better to do than chase cute things? And besides, wouldn't a forested area close to the river already have its share of foxes?

On the plus side, you've introduced a new reason for going after him -- the fact that he can see/sense/interact with Natsumi. I am under the impression that this is a rare thing for a non-resident, so Natsumi's fascination with the beast makes more sense from that point forward.

I don't really understand Thoth's exposition about The Storm. Why does it matter right now? It's mentioned, and then the discussion immediately steers back to the fox. What was the point of that information? What do I do with it? When a reader is given plain, unencrypted information for no clear reason, he will most likely forget it far before you get to weave that particular part of the story into the plot. This is called "infodumping". It is not good.

Your prose writing, overall, needs a lot of work. When you write, be as clear, concise, and simple as you can be. There is place for beauty in prose, but beauty comes after plot and characters. Your main problem right now is twofold: you overuse adjectives to the point that what you're trying to show comes out fuzzy and unfocused, and your metaphors don't make much sense (at least at first glance). This is not poetry, where the reader can sit and ponder at a particular turn of phrase. Prose, especially in a fiction novel such as this, needs to make the reader turn the page rather than stare at a confusing sentence. You are telling a story, not painting with words.

Having said that, the story and setting themselves are interesting enough to hook me into reading the rest. I do wonder what Natsumi and the fox's first face-to-face meeting will look like.

Grammar/spelling/nitpicks:

takes his shiny trinkets passed my lands

Past.

I understand Thoth ... not safe enough for those journeys Natsumi ... something the matter my dear ...

Comma after understand, after journeys, and after matter.

[from chapter 1.1] ... the old river bed ... [from this chapter] ... mimicked the young river

So is the river old or young? Note that this is a side effect of overusing adjectives.

She felt a shock shutter down her back ... bulky muscular form shutter and relax

More shutters, and in this case, they do not even make sense given the context. Did you mean "shudder" perhaps?

He flicked his puffy tail like it was a dead skull that threatened him

You win the "weirdest metaphor of the year" award. This is not a good thing.

scurrying slowly closer

"Scurrying" and "slowly" used together are like water and oil used together. Scurrying implies fast movement.

Natsumi watched his bulky muscular form shutter and relax until finally, he was ready, his war-torn body looking out of place beside her elegant bulky glory.

So much bulk. It seems as if you're trying to contrast one against the other, so why are you using the same word to describe them?

Nearly 5 of our kind

Five, rather than 5... and "nearly"? Did they actually kidnap four and a half? Was the last one they kidnapped a legless torso?

Thoth's amusement raked Natsumi's anger.

What does "raked" mean? Did Natsumi's anger increase or decrease?

Your metaphor,
cC




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 3:29 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Me again! Here to review this section of your work seeing as I enjoyed the other part a lot! Again, I will review it as I read so we both don't get too confuzzled!

Here goes!

“The fox curled up, the black pelt glittering with the beginning of his winter coat, and shut his eyes. Natsumi changed back to her humanoid form, curious about what he was doing.” - Well, well, well! I didn't realise that she had this ability. This just makes her way cooler in my eyes and still a little sinister.

“Her stocky brown hair, speckled with shrieks of red clay, and black dirt, tickled her shoulders.” - The dictionary definition of 'stocky' is; of solid and sturdy from or build; thick set and, usually, short. I don't think this is the right description to go with hair. I think this is an adjective that you would use to describe someone's physical build.

“Dogs padded through her river towards their owners in her neighbor's land.” - I really like that she describes the river as her own. She's so tiny but with a lot of Cahoonies!

“Her voice was high and sharp. She had a throaty tone to her voice even with its pitch.” - I know that you say 'even with' but throaty just makes me think of a husky tone which is completely contradictory to someone with a high and sharp voice. Maybe you could rethink this description if you're not entirely sure about it?

"Careful is not safe enough for those journeys Natsumi." Thoth put their shoulders together. "If you go further than three lands, you will have to remain in this form. You could be heard by the humans. If you dare venture passed there, they will begin to see you." Thoth's thick hand shoved out towards the fox. "Already, the gifted fox can hear me and I am on the edge of my own land." - This section adds to the point that I made in my other review of you work. I would have thought she would have lost her temper a lot quicker with the Fox for calling her an Imp out in the open.

You've really made me believe that these two characters are real! I'm no longer reading it as a reviewer...I'm reading it because I'm genuinely enjoying it!

"Nonsense. He could feel you if he knew you were there." Thoth stood up on the branch, ready to leave. "Go ahead and follow him. He cannot do much. It is worth it for your poor nerves." Thoth offered waving the girl off. He headed back into his woods.” - I thought that Thoth would care a little more about what would happen to his friend! I want to him to care a little more anyway.

Well done! I'm still very interested even though I've read it the wrong way round haha.

HAPPY REVIEW DAY ONCE AGAIN!

Olive <3





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