Ch. 3
Chapter 2, Part 2
"Jackson, please. I need to rest. This is much harder than I thought." Natsumi panted hard as she followed after the dark figure who swam through the forest like it was flat and clear. She felt her head swim from the weight of her body. Tall hills rolled up towards the mountains as trees marked their crests.
Natsumi leaned against a tree breathing hard already.
"You are so weak that you cannot make it past two lands from your own?"
"I can make it I just need time to adjust." Natsumi shut her eyes as she tried to bless the tree that supported her. She couldn't take much more of this. She needed to at least pause for a short while. "I do not think we are just two from my own. I feel too weak for us to be that close."
"Perhaps we have past another border. Don't your people mark them with rivers?"
"Sometimes, but Thoth has said before that borders are more about the power an individual has than the landmarks which block them in." Natsumi felt a gentle hand rest on her arm. "What?" Her eyes peeled open as she looked at the man, breathing a little easier now.
"Come, we should get you into some sun It will do us no good if I have to return you because you cannot take the walking."
"I can, I just need rest."
"I am sure." Jackson wrapped his arm under her's and pulled her tight against himself guiding her through the forest. Natsumi grabbed his hand as it wrapped around her waist, her other arm hanging limply on top of his strong grasp. She was so short that he almost just picked her up off the ground, but it worked well enough and soon Natsumi had collapsed in the sun. She sighed and lay in a heap, her eyes shut in exhaustion. Jackson sat by her side watching the west.
"Why are we still going west?"
"Khet."
"What?" Natsumi's eyes opened as she gazed at him cautiously.
"There is a lake to the north of us called Khet. It spans fifty miles east-west, and twenty north-south at it's widest points. They say that the lake came from a great melt that snuck down from the mountains in the early years of the island. There are other large lakes too, Erik, and Helin. These two are rumored to be from the same thing."
"You mean the ocean is not the only large body of water?"
"Oh no. There are huge rivers even which sometimes can seem like they take miles to get across. These are the hardest to cross, and most of the time I have to use human's bridges to manage them. There are also great cliffs where the land has broken from tremors and erosion which we must cross. There is only one of those between us and my home, but it is substantial."
"You travel so far for a few meager jewels. Why is it we are going towards your home?"
"Oh, now you wish to know?" Jackson taunted. He smiled and lay down on his back beside the girl. He put his hands behind his shaggy black head and stared up at the sky. "I am done with my round. I am heading home for the winter. There is a village at the base of my mountain which I steal chickens from for food through the winter."
They lay basking in the sun as Natsumi absorbed the information. Her red eyes fluttered shut, her skin turning a dark brown now that she was out of touch with her home. The chocolate color was much darker than her rich red, but it was more human. Her nails frayed off into dull things from grabbing trees and rocks to pull herself up sheer hills they faced on the way. Her skirt was shorter too, only covering about half her thighs instead of falling around her calves like it did at home.
"What will I do at your home?" Natsumi sat bolt upright realizing this. "I just want an adventure. I do not want to intrude on your home."
"Perhaps you should have thought of that before you decided to come along, little one. Now then, we are burning daylight and you seem well enough to continue."
Natsumi sighed and pushed herself up. "I think I just needed some sun."
"Perhaps once we're a few more lands from your home you'll start needing food."
"Food? Like you eat?" she asked very curious as she eyed his pocket where he had some berries.
He chuckled and nodded. "Yes, like I eat. We should stop by a town and snag what we can so your first taste can be of something yummy."
"You intend to make me human dependent, you naughty fox," she scolded with a frown.
Jackson laughed and smiled down at her as he shook his head. "I intend no such thing. You are already human dependent, but you do not realize how yet."
Natsumi crossed her arms over her chest and glared up at him. "I refuse to believe that until you have proof, Kromsky," she warned him.
"Your proof will come," he replied, sure of himself. "I ought to call you Helin, you are as thick as that vicious lake."
"Vicious?" Natsumi's eyebrows knit into her frown as she followed Jackson Kromsky.
"Yes. The humans try to commerce over her with boats, and she often steals their lives."
Natsumi's stared at him with a flat face, her lips slightly downturned as her hair fluffed against her back. "Why do I deserve such a name as that?" she asked monotone.
"You are quite set in your ways and you have no kindness for humans yet."
"I feel that kindness for them should be earned. I am not under the impression they deserve it. They are quite selfish beings."
Jackson's eyes glinted with light. "Perhaps, now let's get moving. We have some distance to cover before we can rest again."
"Jackson," Natsumi summoned, "I need clothes too. These are quickly becoming uncomfortable."
The fox looked over his shoulder at her, a curious stare that lingered down her legs. "I was enjoying the view," he teased with a smirk. "The human females don't often show skin."
"Skin," she repeated. she looked down at herself and couldn't quite pick out what he meant. "You mean they often wear very covering clothes?"
"Yes. They don't often show any flesh." he pointed towards his hand. "To you it must seem like you're always exposed, eh?" he questioned softly.
Natsumi blushed and dropped her head hurrying past him back into the thick of the woods. Jackson watched the little female run ahead of him and gradually began to follow. His eyes drifted past her once vibrant hair which was beginning to straighten and dull into just a few colors, aiming towards black. Her hair was becoming shorter too.
The two traveled quietly towards the next river. Jackson knew they would be coming on it soon and began to pace ahead of his new companion. He had a feeling she was going to be a problem at the town, but he could hope that she would take his lead well. Tension gripped at his stomach as she stopped dead in her tracks again. He turned around to see what the problem was, but she squeaked and hid behind a tree.
"We're too far," Natsumi squealed at him. He winced at her pitch.
"What do you mean Little One?" Jackson tried to push his frustration away. He faced the tree squarely. She was leaning against a tree almost completely hidden. "Did something happen?"
"I need clothes," she demanded in a higher pitch yet.
Jackson frowned and laughed a little. "Seriously? We're not even out of the second territory yet and you need clothes?"
"I don't know why!" she yelped as she flopped down to the ground. "Just please, help me." Her voice finally fell an octave.
"Fine, stay here. The town should be close." Jackson assured her. "Humans are stupid though, so get off the ground. They rarely look up when they are searching for one another."
"Up?" her voice didn't carry very far. He could hear the fear in it. "You want me to get above their heads?"
"See if you can change into a bird," he suggested coming closer to the tree.
Natsumi stayed quiet for a few minutes. A bird fluttered up into the tree and tweeted at him wiggling it's wings around and puffing out it's ample feathers.
The little bird sat patiently on the branch for about half an hour before she began to flutter her wings and fly up higher into the tree. She came to rest on the top of the highest branch that would support her feeble weight staring towards the direction Jackson left. She felt her stomach churn with wonder about what Jackson was doing. She could only imagine that he would come back. She tensed up at the thought of being abandoned in this lonely forest. She couldn't feel the owner of this land, even though she knew they were there. She hopped uneasily from side to side on her branch looking out at the forest. She tipped her head and eyed the hills that met with rolling dark clouds. The hills just kept climbing. Dread filled the little bird as she saw the distant lands, filled with evergreens. The further they went, the less deciduous trees there were. As far as she could see, evergreens lined the horizon. She could only imagine why that would be. The rolling hills of the land were only matched in calming beauty as she turned north. Her heart swelled with delight. There, in the distance, she could see touches of the water. Like a scar on the land, the trees parted way to expose a large dark blue lake. She wanted to go there!
That was absolutely breathtaking. She felt so far away from the water too. She hopped around looking for the other lakes he had told her about, but the hills came up too fast, and the trees were too tall for her to spy them. Fear caught her as she realized that the one lake she saw, she could not see across it. The distant shore was hazed away.
Jackson said that they were avoiding it, right? What was on the far side?
The trees were thinner there, she felt like she was running out of them already as the hills protruded from the relatively flat land she was used to. barreled over one another like waves from the ocean Thoth had taken her to. Why did they roll like this? What was wrong with them?
"Hey! Come down here Little One!"
Shock and relief washed over the little imp together. She dove through the branches barely avoiding them as she came to land on the fox's shoulder. He held a large brown cloth in his hands.
Natsumi flew behind the tree and changed back to her impish form. She felt her body give out from weakness as dizziness overcame her mind. She took a few deep breaths to stabilize herself and pushed herself up from the ground at the trunk. She held onto the trunk and decided that would be the last time she transformed for this trip until she was home.
Natsumi let out her breath slowly and covered herself as best she could before peeking out from behind the tree. "How do I put them on?"
"Don't be so modest, come here and I will help you."
"No!" Natsumi squeaked again. She ducked closer to the ground again, glaring up at the man. "I may be an imp, but I do not want you seeing my underbody."
"Fine," Jackson tossed the clothes to the girl. She caught them and hid behind the tree again.
After three tries to get the cloth around herself and secure, she gave up and snuck out, blushing like a glassy black stone. "I'm sorry Jackson."
Jackson's eyes peeled over the girl before he stepped closer. He took the cloth from her and tapped up her arms. He swung the cloth around her body and took the strings wrapping one in tight to her form while the other lay loosely over her. He tied one across her shoulder and the other from under her arm. He walked around her and tucked the loose strings into the cloth. After a little fiddling, he gave her a satisfied nod and smiled brightly towards her. "There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
Natsumi shook her head. "I'm sorry I was short with you Jackson. You've been nothing but good to me."
"I expect you to hold your own now Little One. We are coming to a town that I just stole from and we either need to use the river, or use their bridge. I would suggest we go by river, but it might be hard to manage considering how heavy the river is. What is it you can do now outside of your territory that will aid in our journey?"
"I'm not sure. In my land, I can feel the trees, but while I was in this one, I felt a tingling familiarity with it. I suppose I might be able to form a connection with new land that does not have an imp present at the time, but that could call the imps anger towards us."
End of chapter
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139,067 Literary Works • 672,403 Reviews
Once again, you've left us with some interesting questions to grasp hold of, questions that make us want to read onward. And I love how you show Natsumi's connection to the land--and not just the land in general, but her land specifically.
I'm confused by the shortening of her clothes, however. I understand that she's losing her power and weakening by traveling farther and farther from her lands, but her clothes? I mean, are the clothes actually a physical part of her? Or did she make them herself/find them somewhere? Or are they special imp-clothes that, despite being separate from her person, are still affected by the laws of land-stewardship? Or are they just normal clothes, but the laws of land-stewardship affect anything on her person?
Also...her clothes are shortening but she can still turn into a bird? I mean, you did at least show that the change weakened her a great deal, but it still seems a little backward to me. I don't have unlimited knowledge of how these laws work, of course, but it's kind of weird that she can change into a bird, still, but not keep her clothes long enough to adequately cover everything.
Speaking of which, is there going to be a romance after all? I really read her as kind of a little kid in that first chapter, but even in this chapter--while not nearly as off with the "exposed chest" and all that like the last one--I mean, Jackson was all "I was enjoying the view" when her skirt shortened. So...is there an attraction there? Her in the last chapter and now him. Or...I mean, what's up with that?
How is she dependent on humans??? She seems quite independent of them, and of course she disdains them, and they ruin her lands and stuff...I'm really curious to find out how she is actually dependent on them.
My only other note is just a nitpick. This paragraph:
becomes "At the thought of being abandoned in this lonely forest, she tensed up." I don't normally like to just do nitpicks like that, especially since so many other people are sure to catch them, but that really stood out to me, since it was roughly half a paragraph.
More tomorrow!
Blue
I understand that you mention moments later that she leans against a tree to recover her breath: however, instead of leaving it as “followed” I suggest describing the struggle. Perhaps, her feet felt heavy or she could feel blood reaching up her throat –threatening to choke her if she maintained this pace or even she started to waver from her intended path. Give us a sense of the urgency of her situation at this time. How bad does she have it?
The italicized portion is something I didn’t care for. I understand swimming can seem effortless, but swimming is done within bodies of water –if you’re going to use a metaphor remain loyal to it. “Swam through the forest like it was flat and clear” makes no sense in that light. You know me, I’m not one to point something out without having a recommendation in mind.
The dark figure slipped past trees, dodging fallen logs with ease. This was nothing more than a stroll.
I question her reaction to Jackson’s question. She is an imp that rules over a large portion of land. How dare he try to diminish her struggle by intimating she’s weak! Then again, my characters tend to run aggressive and snarky. This may be Natsumi’s personality –in which case, ignore my comments.
“Come, we should get you into some sun. It will do us”
For her retort, what’s her facial expression? How about the tonality that she delivers the line? This is vital information. Don’t leave us in the dark. The reader needs to comprehend their dynamic –this is their first time together for an extended period of time.
Jackson wrapped his arm under hers.
How does the logistics work out with Jackson assisting her walk? She is short –Meshugenah status short. Meaning, Jackson’s stride is longer. Describe the awkwardness of him having to restrain himself so that she may keep up and not fall. Don’t tell us where all their limbs are, remember –this is all “real time” describe to us how they got there. Did Jackson sling her arm around his neck? Did she give him a small smile when he helps her or does she make a face –not too pleased with herself or does she glance away?
When she collapses to the ground, is it because Jackson releases his grasp on her? Does she willfully throw herself? Devil is in the detail and believe it or not, these minor touches tell us volumes about how they feel about one another.
Ew, there’s exposition following this. All about Khet and the geography, make this bearable for me and at least describe to me his face. Is he wistfully remembering about Khet? Or is he annoyed this is taking so long and decides to pass the time he’ll tell our little imp some details? Does he speak with gestures? Toss me a bone, here –if you’re going to dump information on us at least try to make it as natural as possible. You know how I hate large paragraphs of strictly dialogue.
Is Natsumi still lying face down? Has she rolled over as she discusses this with him? Is she still breathing hard?
You keep with the repetition of she and he. Give me some variety: imp, chocolate lady, etc. That way, you don’t have to dump the reader with information about how she’s changed since she was home. Let it be a gradual thing. Toss us small details that offer insight –that way, you can avoid the he and she nonsense AND still tell us vital information.
Aaargh, don’t use “like eat” that’s annoying to my ears. Well, you can –but only in this chapter, I don’t want to see this become a “thing.”
No, his name is Jackson. She dubs him Kromsky. You don’t get to make his dub his surname. It’s redundant.
My word processor isn’t happy. I like it when it’s happy because that means nothing too grave is wrong. This segment is a fragment or says my word processor. I believe my word processor so here’s a recommendation that doesn’t upset it:
Natsumi stared at him blankly for a moment. Her ends of her lips went south: the beginnings of a frown. Her hair fluffed up against her back.
I dropped flat face because no one has a flat face. Unless this is some American idiom that went over my head –that may very well be the case.
I know you. You can do better. It isn’t monotone in my mind, she has feelings, but she’s obviously guarding them. Tell us how she’s keeping her voice even, but there are intimations that this isn’t boding well with her.
I swear, you refuse to describe how lines are being delivered to spite me. You’ve been doing this to me for years now. You’re lucky I love you, Juju Bee. Now knock it off and get with the describing.
Ahahahaha, that’s hilarious. Coming from the imp that decides she will have this fox, no matter at what cost. Natsumi does have her moments. I want to pat her head and call her adorbs –I have a feeling she wouldn’t appreciate that.
I tend to quote the lines that I feel aren’t being done justice. This is one of them. The potential for it is too great! Summoning is a cheap verb. Describe to me the timbre of her voice, does it jump up an octave due to her feeling “uncomfortable?” Is she blushing? Or is she being imperious about it as a way to disguise her embarrassment?
I love this line. Oh, Natsumi –you are so adorbs. I would have been an awful person and sought you ought to see what you were hiding.
I value consistency. It’s great he keeps reminding her how SHORT she is (I totes would): however, what’s inconsistent is that you capitalized little one. Also, you want a comma there.
”What do you mean, little one?”
I love how impatient she’s getting with him. The demand really is her outraged that he wants specifics. Can’t the stupid fox do as she says and not ask questions? HMPH.
I don’t see it falling down an octave, but rather more her dropping the loudness of her voice to a whisper. A needy little whisper that pleads he won’t argue.
This entire quotation you want to use its and not it’s. Keep in mind contractions equate to: it is.
I really like this portion.
I believe this was a slip of the key. You meant to use either a semi colon or a comma.
First, you need to use commas. Second, figure out if you’re going to have little one or Little One –and stick to it.
I want to know to her reaction of him dressing her. Does she remain purposely stiff and tense or is she observing him closely?
Lies and double lies, I say! Use commas. Is she doing anything else with her body? For example, is she brushing back a lock of hair or looking at her nails? Is she glancing at Jackson?
Jackson let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. "Let's hope that does not slow us down. I typically transform to get across the desert."
Jackson, I want to punch you in the face sometimes. By sometimes, I mean to say every single time you open your mouth. You gleefully talk exposition, you’re a jerk, and I bet you’re a pretty boy that keeps saying humans are stupid. I can understand Natsumi, she’s an imp that owns her own land and therefore humans are the adversaries: however, Jackson thinks he’s all slick. The arrogance makes me want to punch him, multiple times.
How does Jackson not make the connection that the desert is no good? There are no imps, but I suppose he’s too self-centered to realize the implications or notice her reaction. See, this is why I want to punch him –in the throat.
There’s nothing wrong with this portion. I only want to quote a portion that shows what an inconsiderate jerk Jackson is.
Throughout the river-crossing scene, I don’t get a real sense of the danger or urgency. Shorter sentences denote action. Longer sentences are reserved for description, slowing the pace down, and variety. There is no variety here.
Oh, my goodness. Jackson’s tirade is by far the largest amount of dialogue presented with little commentary of how it’s delivered. I’m overwhelmed and don’t feel like reading it.
[quote]He lorded over her with his own dirty clothes dripping dry.[quote]
Dripping dry makes no sense.
All right, this is my snapping point. He’s been a massive jerk by yanking her hair. I understand he’s frustrated with her naiveté and all that: however, you don’t build this up. He just snaps. To me, it is coming out of the left field.
I don’t understand why she still clings to Jackson. I also don’t care for how this focuses entirely on her, mention the part where he walks away.
As seeminglymeaningless has stated, the dialogue is stiff. Although, I thought it suited Natsumi based on her not dealing with humans therefore it is to be expected that she speak with a different syntax. That’s not the case with Jackson. Talking about Jackson, I don't like him.
I like the "slow" pace of this chapter, as Natsumi slowly learns how different things are away from her home, yet still determined to believe that everywhere, things would be the same, that she wouldn't change. Very beautiful imagery, through minimalist description and repetition. The "naive, narrowminded" girl, who leaves home for the first time, exposed to all the new and tempting elements of life, and slowly learning that she should never assume/judge anything by the appearance, not thoroughly realizing how much danger she's in goes beautifully with the pace. a tad confusing at first, but as i got to the middle/end of the chapter, i started to understand what was going on. overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter. Good Luck!
As is my custom, I read as much as I would read during a curious glance. Here are my thoughts about the first few paragraphs:
Dialogue: I feel as if the characters are rehearsing a speech for presidency. The speech is rigid and forced, as if combed over by a fine-tooth comb and polished with oil. It's unnatural. Whilst I appreciate the effort you've taken in making your characters speak as if they have thought of what they are going to say, for about a minute before speaking, it just comes off as stiff and unrealistic. How can someone who is "panting hard" serenely and calmly say, "this is much harder than I thought"?
Repetition: You mention that she is panting hard, and then that she is breathing hard. It's pretty easy to get caught up in the story and repeat words you've already used in the story. See? You picked up on it, didn't you?
Descriptive language: You have this minimalistic approach that I think works beautifully. Not every story has to describe the soft grass underfoot, or the bite of bitter cold. I really loved the way you described Natsumi following Jack as he "swam" through the forest. Really beautiful imagery. These snippets of artistic prose kept me reading.
Length: I realise that this is a chapter and is meant to be read all the way through. If you're looking for feedback and reviews, you should consider posting shorter instalments.
I enjoyed reading the few paragraphs and if I had time, I probably would have read the rest. My main dislike is the dialogue and that's what kept me from reading on.
Good luck with your story!
- jhoi
Thank you so much for your comments. I hadn't realized I was making the dialogue stiff or repeating myself enough that people would notice. As I go back through and edit, I will keep this in mind and work to correct this.
Would it help with reading if I broke it up through spoiler boxes so you can remember what spoiler box you're on when you come back to the chapter? I'm not sure how I would post break ups of chapters and keep them in order x.x; Any suggestions?
Most people on YWS try to post maybe 500 words for each chapter to ensure that the person can read it in one sitting. Remember there are literally hundreds of stories here and we all like dipping our fingers in several pies.
If you're looking for a thorough review at any time, check out the I Will Review For Food forum and request a review there. To my knowledge, there is also a "Novel Swap" sort of forum, wherein people pledge to read each other's novels and keep reading until the bitter end, reviewing along the way.
My personal suggestion, and not many people do it, because it can "look bad" and/or be confusing, is to make one post as your first chapter, and add instalments as comments.
This ensures your work is all in one piece, but it means it will get less traffic due to it having a lot of comments. But the fact of the matter is if you want coherent reviews, you just want two-three main readers who will follow your story all the way through and exclaim about any developments.
If you end up doing something like this (making one post and adding instalments of 500 words) send me a PM or such and I'll be happy to be one of those three necessary people
- jhoi