Lilacs and cedar chips twist as cousins
in the air. They drift like moss across the forest rocks
coalescing here and there; scents of summer and cedar mulch.
My parched lips are licked like a tide
as tomatoes smell stronger than any fresh tossed grove.
They are the thickest weed I care for, stronger than any dying leaf
and yet, delicate as their boughs take dips to the earth.
So many yellow flowers lost to pruning. A necessary evil
of a garden chalked up to life being unfair, all life being unfair.
Pruning weeds on cedar chips beneath the smell
stronger than any fresh tossed grove, I imagine life being unfair.
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140,843 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi Aley,
So I really like this poem, I think that there is great imagery here.
What I feel this poem lacks is coherence. It's beautifully disconnected. There is this lack of flow that is really interesting. For example,
I think this is supposed to be "summer" and "cedar mulch" but in my mind "summer mulch" is totally possible so this becomes "scents of summer (mulch) and cedar (mulch)" which doesn't contrast properly. Perhaps scents of spring and summer mulch would work?
You need to follow up on the thought of "tide." Also, tides "are licked"? Or is it the beach that is licked?
What are "they"? Tomatoes? Or parched lips?
I can't understand this sentence. even if I consider it just a sentence part. Take a closer look at "chalked up to life being unfair." It might not be unfair to say that this is pretty unwieldy.
This is a beautiful ending to the poem. But. But. How do weeds grow "on" cedar chips? Or is the MC sitting on cedar chips pruning weeds? That's a good question.
Hope this helps!
Pircy!
Hello,
Amazing work! Wonderful imagery... I especially like the line "delicate as their boughs take dips to the earth." It makes me smile, it's very pretty. I can't seem to find anything wrong with it, It seems wonderful! Another line I like is "My parched lips are licked like a tide" Lovely simile! Keep up the amazing work! You are a wonderful poet! Keep up the amazing work!
Your reviewer,
Aqua
Wow, this is so wonderful. Such a good job you've done! It's the type of poem that makes me sigh blissfully and read it over, indulging in the artistic arrangement of words and letting the message seep in.
Hi...
Shad here! You wanted me to review this so...
I can't nitpick on anything, if that's what you wanted.
The stanzas are nice and aren't choppy. And I get great imagery out of this, I can almost smell the soil and feel the leaves.
I really do like this, and I just can't find anything to say besides that... Its defiantly a good read.
If you /had/ a rhyme scheme in there, I didn't pick on it. But its still good!
Well, that's all I can say!
Always,
~Shad
Hey, Liv here for a review of your poem
I noticed that you said that you are trying to create your own format of poetry. When I first saw that I was a bit skeptical. It's a really hard thing to achieve, but once you do you can create a really good style for yourself! I'd have to say that I was pleasantly surprised when I read this poem! It's actually really fascinating and flows surprisingly well. The only part that threw me off was:
"So many yellow flowers lost to pruning." All other lines start in one and end in another, yet this one started and end in the same line. I don't know if that's just my OCD or if anyone else noticed that, too, but it's just something that I noticed xD
Overall this is a really interesting poem and I really do like the format! Bravo to you!