The boat was shook as salt on popcorn. Smack
the butt. Oh waves did crash and plunder feet
on coral reefs no deck to save just Jack
Haiku, a soggy sailor, lost from slack
in lines left loose to grab the sock. So meet
the boat was shook as salt on popcorn. Smack
a head to crack on ghostly beam. We hack
the water hard from lung and limb, not neat
on coral reefs. No deck to save, just Jack
and Jill went up some hell to lose a rack
or something. Dead they fell and both to meat
the boat was shook as salt on popcorn. Smack!
a whopper, three for two or fraction- back
to detention with you, or Jack to beat
on coral reefs, no deck to save, just jack
all. Drifting. Quiet. Choking. Losing, lack
of air, full water lost. In tidal sheet
the boat was shook as salt on popcorn. Smack
on coral reefs, no deck to save, just Jack.
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A.N.: This is a villanelle so the style is on purpose, as is the rhyme, as is the repetition of the lines.
Aside from that, I wrote this as a prompt to use Socks and Haiku in a villanelle and I want to stash it somewhere, so here it is <3 I hope you enjoy. It is meant to be read through the line so "Smack the butt" is all read together. There are some puffy ones in there, hard to read in the long lines like they are on purpose >D
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hiya~! It's Mack just dropping by with a review!!
I've never seen anything like this poem before so not only was this a really good read but it was also a bit of a learning experience for me which I enjoyed.
One thing that struck me as odd when I was reading was the line "or something. Dead they fell and both to *meat*/the boat was shook as salt on popcorn. Smack!" Given the spelling in previous repetitions of the line, I wasn't sure whether this was an error or whether it was supposed to also be a reference to the mention of other food in the poem or to "to lose a rack" in the line before.
Also in the line "and Jill went up some *hell* to lose a rack" I don't know if you meant 'hill' or 'hell' here because of the seeming reference to the nursery rhyme.
Lastly in the line "on coral reefs no deck to save just Jack" I think it might make a little more sense if there were a comma between 'reefs' and 'no'.
I really liked this poem, it was incredibly interesting to read and decipher. Hope this was helpful!!
~Mack
Hey Mack! Thanks for your comments!
I will explain what you picked up on and why I chose that now. First, meat. Yes, I meant meat because I was being a bit dark and saying they both fell dead. They both fell and became meat.
The same thing is going on with hell. I am being crass and twisting the nursery rhyme to grab the readers attention and remind them that Jack and Jill fell and became meat. I used rack for the rhyme, but it also hints at the meat reminder as well as women's chests, not that I expected people to pick up on that. Rack of ribs is more what I expect, but the loss of femininity is what brought on the choice.
I chose to leave less and less punctuation as the poem goes on to make the readers guidelines feel lost, but also so the periods in the last stanza really pop. I really want people to just read through and ignore that refrain until the last line.
I hope that helps explain the villanelle a bit better for you and I am happy you were jarred where I wanted!
Thanks for the review!
Hi Aley. I am here to review. And to say that your work is full of beautiful rhythm.
Now Review!
'Oh waves did crash and plunder feet
on coral reefs no deck to save just Jack'
You have to put comma after 'Oh' and also it's a sentence so period. Last one, comma after 'no deck to save'.
Like this:
'Oh, waves did crash and plunder feet
on coral reefs,no deck to save, just Jack.'
'No deck to save, just Jack
and Jill went up some hell to lose a rack
or something.'
I think you should separate it to two sentences. It's kind of unnecessary to put two "conjunctions" in a sentence. And if you are making it two sentence, erase 'and ' that comes before Jill.
Maybe you should change it to:
'No deck to save, just Jack. Jill went up some hell to lose a rock or something.'
And to help people easier to read, please separate each sentence. Like this:
Why do they run away?
My soul so beautiful, so bright
Thank you
>Keep on writing
>Chris Dixon