The creaky wood beneath his feet were
solid as oaks amidst the wood
and she ran down ahead so
sure with light to lead the
way. Black Bites, she screams
we laugh, amused
but she is
scarred
now.
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Thanks for sharing this nonet poem concerning a girl who bravely leads the way down a stairwell but suddenly loses courage after hearing the boards creak. I like the subject of this poem because I underwent a similar experience after which being in the darkness became unbearable.
I like the way the poem describes the reasons for her initial confidence. She notices how solid the stairway is as someone, referred to as a he, walks on them. With the benefit of light she decides to lead the way. Based on the poem’s title I rightfully expected darkness to suddenly arrive for some reason. Yet, the only thing we are told is that there was a creak and that the girl spoke about blackness biting and then we are told she is scarred.
Since the poem is in the nonet form I had to test the syllable count according to the following rules.
--------------------
The following compares the poem to the rules.
9. The creaky wood beneath his feet is [9]
8. solid as oaks amidst the wood [8]
7. and she ran down ahead so [7]
6. sure with light to lead the [6]
5. way. Black Bites, she screams [5]
4. [W]e laugh, amused [4]
3. But she is [3]
2. scarred [1]
1. now. [1]
So line eight falls short by one syllable.
Here is one way to fix it.
2. scarred = [1]
2. so scarred = [2]
Other Suggestions
The word “wood” is singular whereas the word “were” is plural.
The creaky [boards] beneath his feet [felt]
[The creak indicated otherwise?]
solid as [the] oaks amidst the [woods]
[You re referring to a forest-right?
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/woods]
[as] she ran down ahead so
[certain] with light to lead the
way.
[“]Black Bites,[”] she [screamed.]
[W]e laugh, amused
but she is
scarred
now.
Please note the without the explanation a reader will conclude that she actually suffered a real bite and has been literally scarred.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
BTW
You can expand this poem by using adding another nonet as a second stanza. Also, if I included any ad=vice contrary to the nonet syllable count it was because at first I was not evaluating it as a nonet. So please ignore it.
Oh nice, I'm glad to see you're not apologizing for feedback this time XD
So "black bites" is actually the light getting turned off and the sudden darkness "biting" those on the stairwell. I was hoping the expectation of darkness suddenly showing up would allow the reader to infer that meaning from the writing. So yeah, it's not the stairs creaking that makes her scared, it's the darkness coming like you expect ^^;
Thanks for the advice. I guess I've been watching too many british television shows with "wood" vs "woods".
Sometimes I apologize for the sake of Christian Charity and not because I feel that I feel that am 100% to blame for a misunderstanding.
Well every time I read one of your reviews where you're apologizing upfront, it makes me think you're trying to take liberties with polite behavior. It doesn't really come off as anything well-meaning to me.
Excessive suspiciousness could be caused by psychological issues:
XD You think I'm just being paranoid? I think you're an anxious individual.
*Careful, there are swear words in this.
I just sent you a PM requesting that no further communication be had between us. Why do you persist?
Hi Aley! Nite here to leave a quick review.
Overall, I like this. It has a haunting feel to it, which I think the structure works well with. However, I find myself a little confused as to what it's about. So like they're walking somewhere with wood floors, "she" is confident and well lit, but then something happens that freaks her out but makes the rest of "us" laugh. I'm not sure how you can make what's happening here clearer, though, especially given the structure.
Looking at the first sentence without line breaks, I can see that it feels a little too long. Also, there's some awkward bits.
1) Wood is in the first and second line. Could one of them be replaced? Maybe "oaks in the forest" for the second line?
2) "Were" should be "was" at the end of the first line.
3) Maybe "She ran down ahead..." could be the start of a new sentence instead of linking with "and". It might feel a little less like a run-on.
4) The whole third line feels like filler, which seems weird in such a short poem. Maybe it could be more concise ("she ran ahead...") and you could use the extra syllables to add a little clarity.
5) "So sure with light" feels awkward to me, though I'm not sure why so I can't offer any suggestions.
Last comment: "scarred" is one syllable. I don't think I've heard anyone say "scar-red". Unless you meant "sacred"? But that doesn't fit at all. It could be "scarred for/life" but that's kinda cliche.
Overall, I do like the feel of this, though I think it could use some tweaking. As always, keep writing!
XD I can always count on you to point out the silly little things I forget.
Salutations @Aley, I love your poem and have decided to review it.
Note: I hope I don't offend anyone with my reviews, my only intent is to edify and encourage other writers through constructive criticism.
Spoiler
I really like this poem about how your sister became scared of the dark. It is short, yet still sweet and you get you message across without breaking the flow. I love how dramatic the poem is and can't wait to read your next work.
I admire how brief this poem is and how quickly it gets to the point.
Only issue is, you end your lines in awkward places, making the poem itself read choppy in the minds of your readers. For example,
"and she ran down ahead so
sure with light to lead the
way."
That line feels awkward. Instead of putting "way" at the beginning of the next line, include it at the end of the quoted line.
"and she ran down ahead so
sure with light to lead the way."
This poem reminds me of Bukowski,I assume you read him?
I have it set up like this because it's a nonet, so it has to decrease by one syllable each line, and that happened to be where the line had enough syllables filling it up. I'll look into rewording it for those areas you thought were choppy ^^
o.o Ooo a new poet to look into >D