wish swish swirl and slosh
all around the mince machine
our tour consequences in a mosh
of dancers hands and blood beating
all around the minche machine
we wriggle wring and cry to be free
of dancers hands and blood beating
drip drip faces of that final scream
we wriggle wring and cry to be free
hands clasping iron bars and dragging
drip drip faces of that final scream
I'm sorry, no no, it wasn't me. Deafening
hands clasping iron bars and dragging
claws through hair and scalps sour
I'm sorry, no no, it wasn't me. Deafening
wimpers from the corner at this hour
claws through hair and scalps sour
like bread meant for mustard or soup
wimpers from the corner at this hour
like dreams in an infinite loop
like bread meant for mustard or soup
our tour consequences in a mosh
like dreams in an infinite loop
wish swish swirl and slosh
---------------------------
Author's Note: I love pantoums. I wanted to write one. This is a pantoum.
This is the pantoum structure
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello, Aley. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let's get started, shall we?
Overall Opinion
So this is the first time I ever read a pantoum and this looks absolutely amazing. This poem was really dramatic in a way, it actually surprised me. Is it supposed to surprise me? Cause if so, it worked. It was pretty interesting from the start and I love the wording in the poem. I love the part with:
Amazing way to end the poem.
I don't know what else to say because this poem is perfect. Great job! Keep up the great work.
Keep writing ~
- Kanome
I have never heard of a pantoum! SO now that I'm interested, why not write a review!?XD
Lake here for another review, hopefully to keep The Blue Fish in the lead! So I loved how you rhymed and how you made it seem so realistic, but still metaphoric!
I can't tell if you meant to repeat some lines or not, but it was still really good!
I noticed that each line rhymed with the next and the next line and the next and the next! That was very creative! Believe me! When I write poems that I want to rhyme, I tend to find it's the hardest part of writing. So you rhyming each line...incredible!
I don't have anything bad to say about this so I'll leave it off here! I look forward to seeing more from you in the future! Keep up the fantastical work friend! I'll talk to you soon.
~ Lake
Hey Lake, what you're picking up on is the pantoum structure. If you click the link in the poem you can read what a pantoum is.
omg mom! you did this pantoum so well <3 i've tried to write one in the past and failed. i love the repetition and alliteration. this is so good, Aley! the "mince machine" confused me though, it made me think of like mincing meat. other than that, this is brilliant!
Woah.
Dear, Aley.
This is actually really great. I love how you wrote it. I've never personally heard of a pantoum, so I'm glad you wrote the author's note. I didn't see any lines that seemed out of place or any that seemed to rhyme awkwardly, so A++ for that.
I love the repetition you used. Again, I'm not familiar with the pantoum poem, so I'm not sure if you were just following the form or if that was on you. Either way, it sounds fantastic.
The only thing I'd like to bring your attention to is the last line of the fourth stanza. You wrote "at this this hour". I'm sure you meant to write "at this hour".
Anyways, thanks for your poem! I'm not entirely sure what the message behind it is, but it seems like you've packed it with metaphors and it sounds goddamn amazing.
I'd love to hear what you were thinking when writing this (that sounds like "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING" but I mean it in the "I'd love to know what the message is" kind of way. I'm sure you knew that. I should stop talking.)
ANYWAYS, great poem! I'll look out for more of your work in the future!
Hey salmintea! Thank you so much for the review!
I was basically thinking "The washing machine is loud" and "Ooo, this sounds cool. I wonder what words I can use that rhyme with x" and somewhere in the middle of the poem I wanted to work in oppression, like the idea that we're yanked through all of these different processes, and it started sounding really mean, so I just went with it. In other words, the message is up to the reader. So what do YOU think I mean ^.-
Yes! Let me teach you [bwahahahahah] A pantoum is a structured poem type that relies heavily on refrains. Now, as you can see from the example above, a refrain is a repeated line or end word, in this case, repeated lines.
The lines you repeat are actually chained, so the structure basically goes
Line one
Line two
Line three
Line four
Line two
Line five
Line four
Line six
Line x
Line five
Line y
Line six
and so on for as long as you want.
AND THEN THE END IS BEAUTIFUL >D
Line x
Line ONE!!
Line y
Line THREE!!
They're incredibly fun to write >3
I challenge you to write one and tag me
Oh whoops XD It's line three and then line one in the final stanza >> I need to fix mine <3
Ooh, it looks really cool. Is there a syllable scheme at all? (Just in case, I might take you up on that challenge
)
Mm, no, but it does have to rhyme, so every other line has to rhyme. Meaning like, the red lines have to rhyme with the reds, the green have to rhyme with the green. That's not THAT hard though because you just need TWO WORDS rather than four since it's a refrain, so you use each word twice.