If we are to survive in a world of global phenomena
and maintain peace between the immature
mongrels we call representatives,
somewhere along the line, we're going to hit a wall
or build one. It'll be as tall as our egos are inflated
ridiculously polarizing, breaking down our invisible
repellants of hatred, war, and rivalry. Our love and
yearly dose of humanity will be waylayed and
frozen by their hijacked morals.
Oh, fellow terrans, forgive us for the
rabble we display as we revolt!
They gave us no choice as they
huddled in steel bunkers and
exchanged our freedomes like ration
packs, waiting for us to die out
and leave them all our worldly possessions
incomprehensibly blind to our own
nuclear power. We hit the button.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
I love how this poem manages to say a lot through little. It also does a very well job of describing the political climate of what I assume is the states.
I think the reference to the wall was very well put, and really lent a deeper understanding to your stance on the matter. The 'mongrel' part was also perfectly understood - and I just have to say, I agree.
I also enjoyed the narrative of the poem, the evolvement of keeping peace with those you disagree with to revolting against their hatred. The part about the nuclear power is also very clever, alluding to the threat of nuclear war the U.S always seems to be facing or creating. The line "nuclear power. We hit the button." struck such a chord with me, the idea of taking something fearful and full of hatred and turning it towards the oppressors for our own gain.
Also, I had to look up what an acrostic was, but I really enjoyed coming back and reading the first letter of every line. "I'm sorry for the pain" perfectly sums up a lot of the U.S's politics right now.
This was a joy to read and I'm glad you wrote it.
Keep writing!
- J.
Thanks for the review. I really appreciate hearing that someone understands what I was going for, and that the message resounded with you.
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Congratulations on writing an acrostic poem. It definitely isn't easy. You certainly do have an ability to write down thought-provoking concepts in very vivid ways. I like the reference to fellow Terrans since it adds a certain Sci Fi charm to the poem and opens up certain interpretations that were hitherto not possible. It dovetails nicely with the use of nuclear weapons in self defense.
Not sure what the poem means by "mongrels" or "mutts". Both terms refer to interracial or interspecies mixing. Care to explain?
Suggestion
I would remove the reference to building a wall and to mongrels since they will connote racism for certain readers who might imagine that the poem is using innuendos to convey current political agendas involving illegal immigration.
BTW
The prior review was deleted because it isn't relevant. I misunderstood the poem. My apology
Well, I'm sorry to see that it was interpreted wrong. >>; Maybe you would be willing to help me figure out where the interpretation is faulty.
I don't mean to say mexicans are mutts, that's incredibly derogatory nonsense, and not something I think at all. In fact, I'm calling the US government mutts instead.
"If we are to survive in a world of global phenomena
and maintain peace between the immature
mutts we call representatives,"
to me this translates directly to "If we the people want to live in this technologically connect world with it being a peaceful world and with these immature scoundrels as our [U.S.] public officials ..."
How does that translate the rest of it now that you see that translated? I'm curious to see where the miscommunication was.
WOW! I completely misunderstood that poem! My apologies!