fantasy

I have to say, I completely agree with Via on everything.

I liked the concrete form, the way the stanzas were placed. It was new and very clean-cut.

Otherwise... meh. Here's a line-by-line of the first stanza:

Love: the paradox that in the (I like how you started it with "Love:"; after that, the line was aggravatingly, distinctively confusing. "the paradox that in the"...? It's awkward.)
Telling you have to lie in order to ("Poop: the object that in the pooping you have to scream in order to..." VERY awkward. Instead of simply making this stream-of-conciousness, make it original.)
tell the truth; love that it is a (That sudden jump to "truth" is kind of confusing. And what do you mean by "love that.." You love, or is it simply love?)
good way to show the world as it is.

Basically, all those crits apply to the whole poem. Main problem is you write this poem almost as if you are thinking it, and we can't follow your thoughts as fast as you think them. Slow down; show us "love" from a perspective that doesn't puzzle us. Make it obvious, but show it to us.

Hope I helped!

I made some more changes. I'm not sure if they were exactly what you were looking, but I hope I've improved things some.

By 'mad', I mean crazy mad. Insane, absurd, and everything else.

Also, when I put the colon in front of 'It,' it was sort of supposed to put 'It' in front of each of the following phrases, if you know what I mean. Like,
It shows us the truth of our
Own lives
It helps us think more clearly when things are
Mad
It has the same emotional
Power as a dream.

But I suppose if that wasn't clear to you when you read it, I should just leave the colon out, eh?

I'm sure there's still room for improvement, if someone would care to point me in another good direction?


*adna*

It was a stanza by stanza thing, but you've changed quite a bit of it and it has helped a lot! A few things are still iffy though:

In the first stanza:

that it is a good way to show the world as it is

Put limits on magic; make up Stories; It enables you to feel a Certain measure of control

It: shows us the truth of our

things are Mad; It has the same emotional Power as a dream.

I made a few changes, including the italics/bold thing.
Is there anything specific that didn't make sense to you, or was it just the whole thing in general?

Hi Adna--

First, I like the swirly form, not many people play about with concrete forms on here so it's kind of refreshingly different.

However, the words in the form concern me. Mostly because most of them don't make sense together.

Things to do in poetry:

Make stanzas that make sense to other people.

Use one tense.

Be grammatically correct.

Things not to do in poetry:

Use complete sentences the entire poem.

Bold words.

Italicize words. (If there is emphasis on it, write it in a way that the reader will know without having to be told.)


Better luck!

Thanks.

Any other suggestions anybody?

Nice little rhythm and simplistic subject matter that alludes to more than you have described. I quite enjoyed this piece and give you two thumbs up for my review. You make a fantastic point, and keep the theme of the poem consistant to that point.