Young Writers Society

July awakens,< - nice beginning, sets the tone.

born from the middle month

in the balmy peace of a summer midnight. <-very evocative. (hands out cookie)



Heat does not slackens <- I take it you mean “slacken”?

nor increases, quivers like a moth <-i think adding But would help this flow smoothly

around a light, waiting for the moment she breaks


in golden green glory, <- just a slight query, usually you link two colours together like “blue-green sea”. But no matter how hard I try I cannot picture a golden green.


canopied in purple, heralded <-again very evocative imagery

with rumbling as of drums, flashes taking place of fanfare. <-eh whoa… I think that’s a bit longwinded.



On a foray,

with crashes set to shake the very ground,

the earth; sheets of blue vehemently descend to veil her path. <- nice imagery



Canny calmness, <- the calmness is shrewd enough to be easily deceived? I think you mean uncanny

sweet serenity - she's come and gone, <-beautiful.

leaving her newborn babe, fresh and novel, clothed in sky-blue and green. <- perfect… absolutely perfect line.

I really enjoyed this poem, you are obviously a gifted poet. I will go and dig up more of your work

Your imagery is beautiful, and the theme is interesting. I love the first stanza. It flows well, and I love "born from the middle month." I think the layout could be alterted a little so it's moer pleasing to the eye...hope you don't mind me showing you, as it's easier that way;

"July awakens,
born from the middle month
in the balmy peace
of [s]a [/s]summer midnight. (I don't think you really need "a".)

Heat [s]does not [/s] neither slackens
nor increases,
quivers like a moth [s]a[/s]round a light,
waiting for the moment she'll break

in golden-green glory, (lovely alliteration)
canopied in purple, heralded (This is a great image.)
[s]with[/s] by rumbling as of drums, (this is a touch too wordy)
flashes taking place of fanfare. (I think this line is too long and too conciously poetic. Maybe try something simpler.)

On a foray, [s]with[/s] crashes
set to shake
the very ground,
the [s]earth;[/s] sheets of blue [s]vehemently[/s]
descend to veil
her shattered (or some ther two-syllabyl word) path.

Canny calmness, sweet
serenity - she's come and gone,
leaving her newborn babe,
fresh and novel,
clothed in sky-blue and green. (Lovely ending.) "

Hope this helps.

Jas

I only read this today, even though it's from last week, and I just wanted to leave a comment and say how much I liked it!

The only thing that I picked out was when you edited you forgot to change the verb:

Heat does not slacken[s]s[/s]
nor increase[s]s[/s], quivers like a moth

This is really cool, I agree the imagery is great.

But I agree there's something jarring about "Heat not slackens".


But yeah. go you.

Wow. I don't know much about poetry -- and thus don't review it much -- but I saw this on the front page and started reading... and loved it immediately. The imagery is just beautiful. And I love the way you describe colors.

Heat not slackens

quivers like a moth
around a light, waiting for the moment she breaks