Poems about poetry or writing poetry are often called Ars Poetica.
Too much counting to justify reading all the counting. The repetition of the lines may be too clever for the poem's own good. Consider an alternative.
Otherwise, nice topic.
Shivers run down even in that warm place,
her red-tipped fingers poised on the surface
of the paper. Pen in hand, eyes closed,
she murmurs, "Pen in hand,
eyes closed, she murmurs."
Eyes open and flicker past
the surroundings, seeking, chasing.
The red-tipped fingers curl
more tightly 'round the pen.
The paper rustles with every stroke.
Eyes flicker back and forth
and once again she murmurs,
voice mingling with the rustling
of the paper, the ticking of a clock and
the whisper of the shimmering air
in that warm place.
She goes back and counts, "One, two, three,
four, five. One, two, three, four,
five. One, two, three,
four, five, six.
One, two, three, four, five."
Shivers forgotten in that warm place,
red-tipped fingers move up to
her cheek. Pen in hand,
eyes closed, she murmurs, "Pen in hand,
eyes closed, she murmurs."
Poems about poetry or writing poetry are often called Ars Poetica.
Too much counting to justify reading all the counting. The repetition of the lines may be too clever for the poem's own good. Consider an alternative.
Otherwise, nice topic.
I usually don't like criticizing poetry, but for my first YWS friend, anything.
Usually when I write, I find the paper very rarely, if ever rustles. Rustling is for leaves and things in the night. Were you maybe thinking of the pen scratching, as they sometimes do that. At first, I didn't like the fouth stanza, but now I really do. I find reading things out loud helps, and it really slows the reader and gives the whole thing more beat. To close, I'm not a fan of reusing stanza's, but like the other guy said, I would make the line breaks the same, otherwise some readers could miss the repetition and just think "Oh wow, the whole thing sounds the same", which isn't the greatest thing for a reader to be thinking.
Great job! I can't really find anything that stuck out, except your first and last stanzas. They are exactly the same, so why not make them look the same? Sure it has nothing to do with the content, but it just makes it look nicer. Other than that, I really can't see anything wrong grammatically or spelling-wise.
I'd like to know where the "warm place" is, but I'm assuming she's in her room.
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