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Young Writers Society



Wishing on a star

by Adnamarine


Can I have a bit of earth?
It won’t forget the one who gave it
Seeds to grow.

Why won't she ask for riches?

It will freeze and kill— dream trees.
They’ve been killed before and
Break through...

A star can only manage so much.

...My jaded shell once more.
My weary eyes melt under your light;
I haven’t been failed yet.

Most wish for, not wishes and dreams, what they need.

Being there in the sky is enough
When one has nothing.
Wishes are for keeping and stars

Being here isn’t enough for me when she has nothing.

Never disappear for good.

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Mon May 18, 2009 8:39 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, Adna.

I don't know what this is for or if you'll even care about this comment, but I can totally tell the song lyrics that you pieced this from. Personally, that kind of annoyed me, but it might be the requirement of whatever you're doing this piece for, so if that's the case, just ignore me.

If it's not required, you might want to consider trying to construct a poem with all your own words. You can use the same kind of theme, since I can see you already strayed from exactly what the song is about. It's just that using the words from the song, to people that know the song, make it seem like patchwork. Some of it is your own and some of it isn't, and I don't think you pulled it off well enough to make it work as its own piece.

Just consider trying to rework the poem without using the exact words {again, if you can}, so that you'll be able to showcase your own individual work! :D

-Hannah-




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Mon May 18, 2009 3:01 am
Shadow_Thief13 wrote a review...



Hi Adna,

Um... I didn't really find anything the others didn't, but I did enjoy reading this.

Although I must comment on the fact that this was hard to follow and would like to know if this was part of something else or just some individual work. I didn't understand it very well, of course you are much older than me.

In my view this may just be some secret for you, but otherwise it would be best to lengthen this or something of the other so it's more understandable.

That's pretty much it...

Adios!

ST




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Sun May 17, 2009 5:26 pm
Evi wrote a review...



Hey Adna! ^^ I guess I've decided to go around critiquing all of Jon's crazy prompt contestants. I will say, I really enjoyed this poem. It made me think. I believe the way you had the star's reactions (normal) to her wishes (italics) was extremely effective-- it made it seem like the star was more of a narrator than the wisher herself. :D

Most wish for something money can buy.


Something here just doesn't seem right. It's off. I know you've taken a spin off of a common phrase, but I don't think it works here in this context, with the star narrating. You have a much deeper outlook from both characters everywhere else in the poem; this stands out as...

:?

I have no idea that I'm trying to say. But this just isn't profound enough, deep enough, doesn't have enough emotion or imagery behind it, to keep up the rest of this poem. Excuse my ramblings. I'm just sayingt hat I'd reword this so that the same meaning is conveyed a bit more originally.

Can I have a bit of earth?
It won’t forget the one who gave it
Seeds to grow.


This is what confuses me most. I don't get why she's asking for earth. She's asking for something that will enable her to grow something, right? If you have some metaphor for this in mind, I don't think it's coming through. I'm just not making the connection between land and whishing on stars. I would expect wishing for a future, or wishing for love, or wishing for a second chance-- but agriculture?

And then, you don't continue with the idea of land anywhere else in the poem. It ends here.


:arrow: Transitions

No! Don't use them!

With all due respect to Jon, I really don't think you should have, "Said a voice from across the skies," or anything like that in between the stanzas. They're lovely on their own, and having no labels forces your readers to think some. I love peoms that make me think. The format of this is wonderful already, without any transition sentences to label the conversation. Keep it that way.

*

So, lovely job here! :P Really, I enjoyed this. I think if you clear up that first stanza and then find something else for that one line, you'll have a beautiful poem here, Adna.

And I think you did the best out of Jon's poetry challenges.

~Evi




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Sun May 17, 2009 4:08 pm
Jon wrote a review...



Hey, Adna!
Okay, before I begin, this was two people talking, right?


Can I have a bit of earth?

It won’t forget the one who gave it

Seeds to grow.

This person is asking if she can have some land. But then you talk about seeds. She didn't ask for seeds. Add one line to this stanza, with it put in some imagery and the 'seeds'. Then, It'll be good. ^_^



Why can’t she ask for treasures?

This is another person, right? I think you should mntion that a line above. Make it a two liner. say something like, "From across the world a voice speaks." Or something like that. It'll be good Imagery, too. :wink:



It will freeze and kill—

They’ve been killed before and

Break through...

This stanza is a total jump from the previous. I'm sure you're connecting it to the other italicised stanzas, but, it seems too random. Try to clarify this stanza. Is the seed going to die? What will freeze and kill them? What breaks through? How can it break through if it's frozen? This stanza needs a lot of clarifying, Adna.



A star can only manage so much.

Golden. I absolutely love this line. Wonderful job, Adna!
A lot of your poems have one line that is just pure gold. Like, "So outspokenly expected of me." and now this one!
Great!

...My jaded shell once more.

My weary eyes melt under your light;

I haven’t been failed yet.

I like the imagery of this girl standing under the light of the star. I love the hope you portray in the last line too. Good Job.



Most wish for something money can buy.

All too true.



Being there is enough

When one has nothing.

Wishes are for keeping and stars

Being where? Again, you have to clarify, or at least give me a hint. This place seems to come from no where.



Being here isn’t enough for me when she has nothing.



Never disappear for good.

The last line is a continuation of the last stanza. Yes? I would like to see this poem put together and not scattered. It would make it more understandable and easy to read.


Overall: I liked it. This poem has very good potential of becoming a great one. Use the gap of these two people. Use more description. the world separates these two gals, right?? They both lead different lives. Use that to make how each wish on a star is so different to many people. You could have them, at the beginning, wishing on the same star in the sky. (At the same time) Then tie in how a star can only handle so much.


Good luck, I definitely want to see this changed and made better! You can do it!


---Jon---
:D





she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake