Torn
If mirrored in the other’s face
she found the image of the first
the choice would be no simpler.
The one—mature,
open, striking.
The other—sweet,
amusing, familiar.
He would be out of reach,
he would be hers for the taking.
If not for the smallest hope she were given,
would she make the easy choice
for better or for worse.
Would you give me a rose?
And you, give me a glance?
Either way, I’ll break my heart
And sell it.
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Torn (revised version)
If mirrored in one’s face
she found the image of the other, < I stumbled a little over “the other” which my mouth wanted to say as “another” but that’s probably just me.
the choice would be no simpler.
The one—mature,
open, attractive.
The other— charming,
amusing, familiar.
< I don’t think I like these lines at all. There’s just something... eh about them. I think you could do more to describe the men. Perhaps ingrain the description throughout the poem rather than isolating it here? What I’m suggesting is something like
He would be out of reach,
but he would be hers for the taking.
If not for the smallest hope one gave her
would she make the other—easy choice—
for better or for worse.
< I don’t like this at all. I thought I did and then I read it over and the first two lines only kind of make sense. I’m not sure I like the rest either. It took me several reads to understand – though that isn’t necessarily bad, I advocate reading poetry more than once to understand it – I believe I preferred the old version to this one, though I think you need to read both out loud and work on it a little depending on how it feels to you.
You give me a rose.
You, please give me a glance?
Either way, I’ll break my heart in two
And sell each half to both of you.
< This last bit was rather cute and I like it, but again I think you should read it over and see whether you like the flow, it’s a little iffy for me right now. I like this one better than the other for the second half but the other for the first two lines.
I think you need to read over both as much as you can and see where the flow comes and goes, I believe it’s noticeable. However, this is a really sweet poem, Apples, and I do like it overall. ^^
Good luck with your work on it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Torn (revised version)
If mirrored in one’s face
she found the image of the other,
the choice would be no simpler.
The one—mature,
open, attractive.
The other— charming,
amusing, familiar.
He would be out of reach,
but he would be hers for the taking.
If not for the smallest hope one gave her
would she make the other—easy choice—
for better or for worse.
You give me a rose.
You, please give me a glance?
Either way, I’ll break my heart in two
And sell each half to both of you.
If future reviewers could compare the original and the revised version, it would be much appreciated.
Hi Adna, finally here.
This is apparently a poem about love. The narrator seems a little shy about the whole thing, and I think you could describe it even more. And what's also important: why and how something happens? Is there other ways to say something? And remember also to read your work out loud, if you haven't already.
Overall, it was a cute and warming poem, though it didn't turn my world upside down by its uniqueness. Keep writing and you know what to do when you need a review again
Thanks for the read!
Demeter xxx
So: I liked it! This makes me think of Sense and Sensiblity
*anti-pop