If possible, please use the attatchment; that's the form I wanted the poem to be in. But I have it in the post just in case the attatchment doesn't work for you.
There, are rumbling streets. Rumbling streets. Rumbling
tracks, rumbling skies, rumbling waters. There, are
whistling cars, whistling pots, whistling kids, whistling
whistles. There, are screeching brakes and voices.
There, are strident peddlers, signs; skipping feet, classes;
grim mouths, scenes; crazy activists, wards. There,
scraped knees, scraped skies. There, manufactured trees,
neglected lawns. There, window washers, shopping.
There, colored lights on streets and stages; uniformed officers,
uniformed attendants; noise on every corner, on every
corner a café. There, are grimy slums, spotless luxury;
there, is sleek and squat. There, tattered and pristine.
There, are painted streets, painted halls; music halls, street
musicians. There, we find an underground world as
busy with rats as people, parks and alleys with dogs and
cats, and individuals much like them. There, is life.
There are rumbling, whistling, screeching, strident, skipping
grim, crazy, scraped, artificial, neglected, washed,
shopped, colored, uniform, noisy, grimy, spotless, sleek,
stumpy, painted, musical, busy, lively cities.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Wow, I really love this! At first I was skeptical--starting all your sentences with there? But it turned out to be a technique I really enjoyed.
I have one comment about the fourth "paragraph":
This stanza seemed to break the pattern of the others. In the other ones, there is less coherency, you know? In this stanza, you form actual sentences: "There, we find an undergroud world as busy with rats as people, parks and alleys with dogs and cats, and individuals much like them." This is so different from
for example. Do you know what I mean? Maybe break up that fourth stanza more. Make it less sentence-y.
Otherwise, I truly loved this poem! Great job!
-Cassie
My only complaint is the last and first pargraph. It is true repetition is good for poetry, but I think this is just too much repetition. For a second I didn't want to read on. The rest of the pargraphs are great, and the way you start every stanza with There is a good poetic technique. The middle pargraphs were amazing, and the whole peom would have ben great if the first stanza wasn't so rambling and repetitive. Fix that so it flows better, and this poem will be amazing.
hmmm. very interesting. it was actually a pretty good poem. you used your words correctly (something that one has to be GRATEFUL for here), and the subject matter was interesting. the only serious complaint, and it's a personal preference, is that you used too many commas. i would have removed most of them, to make it seem more ramblings and long-winded, more fluid. i think that all the commas, while being grammatically correct, interrupted the flow of the poem. but besides that, it was very good. i congratulate you sir, for a poem that is most certainly one of the better poems i've read here.
Pax,
zalarus