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late night thoughts of writing

by AceassinOfTheMoon


flowers in my lungs

choking and suffocating

love for you

causing petals on the floor

worlds in my fingers

emotions not my own in my heart

tears press against my eyes

too much too fast

i could create such beauty if i were not human

i suffer for my works

i create imperfection

there is too much

it is too fast

i could create such beauty if i were not human

words press my mind

please no

i want to sleep

beauty sprouts like the flowers in my lungs

beauty and perfection that my hands cannot bring to life

i could create such beauty if i were not human

too much too fast

music in my soul

begging for sound

louder please

too quiet

the night is too quiet

i should be quiet

asleep

but there is such beauty sprouting in my mind


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Wed Feb 24, 2021 5:07 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! This is such a neat poem, and I wanted to leave a few thoughts for you! <3

I love the way you decided to open it. Flowers in lungs is such a neat thought, and I love the message it gave to me, along with the next line

flowers in my lungs

choking and suffocating


So flowers are often seen as pretty things, things people would love to have. Here, you portray it as something negative, as it is choking and suffocating you (which makes sense, because it's in your lungs) -> it gives me the impression that too much of a good thing can be bad, or things that may seem beautiful are actually dangerous. I don't know if that's what you intended with this, but that's the kind of message I interpreted! ^_^

I also love the style this is written in. It's literally what the title says: late night thoughts. I get that idea since the lines are so scattered and they bounce around, which further strengthens the idea of thoughts late at night (because you could be tired and not thinking straight, or you have so many thoughts and intrusive ideas at nighttime that you need to get out). It almost comes off in a desperate tone, with "too much too fast" and how you decided to not use punctuation, so the poem does read fast and the lines bleed into another. I really like the style of this poem! It's super neat, different, and it's like a peek into someone's mind.

I'm going to give you some of my thoughts on parts of your poem, if you don't mind ^_^

love for you

causing petals on the floor


"causing petals on the floor" reads a bit awkwardly to me -> I would suggest replacing "causing" with a more specific verb. hm, I'll just throw out some random verbs that might work for you! xD
dropping, ripping, sweeping, stamping, pasting -> it really just depends on what you're trying to say. but for me, "causing" doesn't really give me an idea fo what you're trying to say

emotions not my own in my heart


I like this line <3 it's a bit heartbreaking, especially when it gets to the point where you can't differentiate your feelings from someone else's.

too much too fast

i could create such beauty if i were not human


AH OKAY I love the repetition of these lines throughout the poem!!! The "too much too fast" can show how the speaker is barely holding on, how everything in their life is a bit out of their control. And the second line is such a neat thought. I interpreted as, human beings are complex and they have all of these different sides to them; maybe if they weren't so messy, they could create beauty. But there are too many conflicting emotions, conflicting sides, and so they can't. Not sure what your intended meaning was, but that's what I got! ^_^

please no

i want to sleep


Here again I see the almost desperateness of the speaker and the need for these thoughts to leave them alone so they can get some sleep </3

music in my soul

begging for sound


I would love to know what kind of music is in your soul! Classical, rock, pop, soft, loud, rough, smooth, honey-like? Just describing it would help the reader visualize it more :)

too quiet

the night is too quiet

i should be quiet


I love the contrast between the speaker's thoughts being too loud and maybe even aggressive, but the night is too quiet. It's like the speaker is trying to find a balance in all of the chaos. Neat, neat <3

And that's it! Overall, I loved reading about the different themes you explored in this poem. My favourite part was the two lines that you repeated throughout the poem, and your first two lines <3 This was such a nice collection of scattered thoughts, and I love the way you organized them here. I hope my comments can be useful to you cx Hope to read more from you soon! ^_^






Aaaaa, thank you for your review!! <3



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Tue Feb 23, 2021 7:23 pm
Spearmint wrote a review...



First of all, I want to say that this is a beautiful poem! I definitely enjoyed reading it, and I can empathize with the part about human imperfection— sometimes I sort of wish I was a robot or something, like when I’m drawing and my lines come out all crooked.
Anyways, there was just one little thing that bugged me: the line “emotions not my own in my heart.” This is just my opinion, but I feel like the “not my own” part takes away from the flow of the poem. Maybe it could be replaced with “strange emotions” or “unknown emotions” or something? Feel free not to take my suggestion though— this is just how I feel!
Overall, I really liked this poem and I look forward to reading your other works!






Thank you for your review!!



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Mon Feb 22, 2021 7:16 pm
LilPWilly wrote a review...



Disconnected, repetitive, and emotion-centric lines, definitely a late night brain barf!
I’m curious if these metaphors are more than just pretty pictures.
Taking every line as a separate thought, this is powerful. I wonder what you’d create if you were a goddess.
I’ll tell you a secret.
When I was young I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I was literally overwhelmed by touch, by sound, by sight. I still like to drive in silence sometimes, just to quiet my head. It’s kind of funny how this poem could nearly have come from myself, considering how I am a musician with no guitar or mic, but with a complete score just sloshing around at the base of my skull.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece.






Thank you for the review and for sharing your story!




Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice