After an hour of pleading with Bakar, he finally forgave me. I decided to record my new spell on my laptop and check its status. I grabbed it out of the Lake and opened it. I tapped the black dot and transferred my Lightning Rod spell into it. I looked at its description. Level 50! That was something. “That spell is powerful, I could have killed Cynthia with it. I had best not use it on anybody I know.” I thought
Cynthia reached for something, and panicked. “What's wrong?” Bakar asked.
“My laptop! It’s not in my lake!”She cried, horrified.
I couldn't help it, I snickered, remembering I had it. She glared at me. “What's so funny?” She asked.
“What would you give me if I found it for you?” I asked, holding back a grin.
“A slap in the face for not giving it to me already.” She said.
I laughed and pulled the laptop from my Lake to give it to her. True to her word, she slapped me in the face. Bakar burst out laughing. He laughed so hard, he had to sit down on his bed to stop himself from falling over. I glowered at him, and threw a mage bolt at him. He batted it away easily, but in the process, knocked something off the wall. I bent over to pick it up, and saw that it was a calendar. There was a date circled in red, today. Suddenly, I remembered. “Bakar! Today is a month from when we talked to Max! I can get my stuff now!” I said, practically hopping. He grinned. “Let’s go!”
Bakar and I turned to leave the room. “Wait!” Cynthia said, hesitantly.
We turned around. “Can I come with you guys?” I looked at Bakar and grinned. Bakar raised his eyebrows suggestively at her. She reddened. “Its not because I like you two!... its because…because…I want to see if that guy will make my robot weapons too! Yeah that’s it!” Bakar chuckled.
“That’s fine, we can ask him to do it for you. you dont have to come” Bakar said, goading her.
she frowned. “He can’t make the measurements without me can he?” She asked, seeming slightly worried.
Bakar grinned. “He sure can! It’s no problem...”
“Oh leave it, Bakar. I said.
“You can come with us Cynthia.” I said, exasperated.
She looked at me, appreciatively. Bakar raised his eyebrows even higher.
“Lance and Cy-” Was all he got out before a long black scythe was hovering in front of his neck.
He looked down the shaft, into Cynthia’s eyes. “Would you like to continue?” Cynthia said, smugly.
He shook his head as much as he dared. “I’m fine thank you.” He said.
We headed off to meet Max.
A month passed. All three of us had gotten very close. Bakar and I decided to tell Cynthia about the secret library. So after classes on a Friday, when we were all in our room we went over to her. “Hey Cynthia.” I said, still wondering how she would take it.
“Hey Lance. Whassup?” She asked, completely different from when we had met her the first time.
“Bakar and I have decided to show you how we became so powerful. But you can’t tell anyone. Understand?” I said.
A huge grin came over her face. “I was wondering how you guys got so strong! Let’s go!” she said, and jumped out of bed.
Bakar burst out laughing. “What?” she asked, annoyed.
Between laughs Bakar managed out, “We can go…but you might want to switch your nightgown to some real clothes.” He said.
“Some people might wonder what is going on.” He continued.
She reddened and ran into the bathroom. A few minutes later, she emerged wearing a tee and shorts. Still laughing, Bakar invoked the teleport spell.
“Master. We have sent Abel to deal with some nuncinces that discovered our agent and terminated him.” The hooded man said, unhappy.
“Good.” How much longer?” The evil voice asked, obliviously not pleased, but not mad either.
“Not much. My guess is a few months.” The hooded man said.
After we showed Cynthia the library, she wouldn’t leave it for anything, but for classes. It only took her a few weeks to catch up to us. But I was studying too. Midterms were coming up, and something foreboding was happening. There were constant sightings of monsters, and students were disappearing. I had only learned a few new spells, but they were all powerful, along with a few for living, like the ability to speak with animals with telepathy, and summoning a small tent.
I spent all of my time studying for the tests, and wouldn’t do anything other than that on the week days. On the weekends, I would stay in the library all day on Saturday, and train in battle with my robot and Shadow on Sunday.
Soon it became time for the midterms. On the day of midterms, we walked into the auditorium for instructions on our midterms. A teacher walked up to us. “The teaching body is very well aware of your outstanding abilities, so your midterm exam will be more… dangerous than anybody else’s. It will Be life and death. You must stay in the wild for 2 days with ring two and three monsters.” The teacher said.
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hey Anadir,
But also very helpful. Another thing I wanted to bring up with the time jumps is, were they all completely necessary? Large time jumps can be frustrating for the reader because they can wonder what has happened during that time. It's best to avoid such large ones such as months long. So if necessary it would be nicer if you could shorten them or maybe even cut some of them out completely?
Especially Cynthia. Make sure to keep the characters realistic. And it would be nice if we could have a bit more description. It's great to show us things, not just tell us. At the beginning especially I felt like I was being told what was happening, not shown it to the point where I could be really interested. But keep at it! It looks like this chapter is shaping up nicely. Interested to see what more you write of it!
Because your secret santa didn't show up, I'm hear as a fill-in!
Nice chapter here. I can't comment more on the story because I'm jumping in on the story, but I understand the gist of it from scanning through previous chapters. I liked the ending you had to this chapter because it was suspenseful, and if I could, I would definitely have read on.
The main problem here is do with punctuation. All new sentences need capital letters. And all endings of sentences need full stops. Usually you did it, but not all the time. It needs to be done. Also, when writing dialogue do remember to have both the opening and closing speech marks. Again - this was something you usually had there but I didn't always see it.
As an example: "He can't make the measurements without me, can he?" she asked.
Another thing you have hear that bothered me where the sudden time jumps. Throughout this chapter alone there were at least two of them. Whenever I jump time, no matter how small, a significant way to show it is by having a break. It's a line with three symbols centered all by themselves. It basically tells the reader this scene is ending, or we're switching point of view, or maybe there is going to be a time jump. It looks like this.
*** (but in the center)
Pretty simple right?
Other than those two points, it was a good chapter. Nice characters there, if not a bit ruthless
Deanie x
Hi there! Is it me again? Of course it is! Now get out there and post the next chapter so I can come back again!
So spelling, grammar, plot and characters all the same as before.
Okay, your biggest problem here would be time traveling. Yup. You are skipping whole months of time that could be used constructively! You could turn this book into something the length of a whale if you filled in that time with growing tension and experiences. You're cheating the readers of developing relationships and interesting plot twists!
Lance seems so blissfully unshaken that students have been disappearing. Dude! They're highly valuable, trained mages as well as people's friends! If students have been disappearing, shouldn't it be a little more dramatic for the school? Monsters! They should be scaring people! There should be curfews and security rules! Everything should be a little more tight now!
Also, don't time skip, if you must, in the middle of a paragraph. After a month, a new paragraph. Everything that pertains to one subject should be in one paragraph, and after a month, the subject has most certainly changed!
" “Oh leave it, Bakar. I said. " - missing a quotation mark
" “Good.” How much longer?” " - Found the missing quotation mark.
I would like to see what happened with Max DX why did you time skip there? Time skips should be used when things are going normally not when you're going to do something exciting like seeing Max! Come on, give us the run down on that.
Overall, I'd suggest less time skips. Work through the scenes or, or! End the chapter when you want to do a time skip. Time skips are like when you say that she learned spells x, y, and z. Instead, just have that she knows the spells, or talking that explains time has passed and they have gotten more powerful. These types of things will help keep the flow of your novel going well.