Unleashed:Awakened part 7!

by ANADIR

Published May 11, 2013

12+

In UNLEASHED

The next day passed quickly. When it finally got time for Battle Tactics, I went to Sir Douglas. “Sir, instead of fighting Brent today, can I battle my team mate?” he looked at me.
“Why?” He asked.
"You don't think Brent is a match for you anymore?" He said, disapproving.
"No, my new roomie refuses to acknowledge us as equals. I plan to fix that.” I said.
He smiled. “Go ahead. All groups need a leader."
“Lance! Cynthia! Come up.” Sir Douglas boomed.
“So your name is Cynthia? Nice name.” I told her and got on the battle platform.
She just growled. “And… Begin!” sir Douglas called.
I waited for her first move. She threw a weak bolt at me. I smirked. “Is that all you have?” I asked.
I moved to the side and dodged it. “My turn.” I said grinning.
I had wanted to try this spell for a while. I slammed the ground and a cage erupted around her. Then spikes shot up from the ground under her. She barely had enough time to break the bars, and doge it in time. “Almost had you!” I called over, mockingly.
She glowered. “You’re not half bad. I'm taking the kiddie gloves off.” She said.
She launched a wave of magma at me. I smirked. “Shadow!” in a flash he appeared. Seeing the fire, he jumped up, and shot out his own. They hit in the center of the field, and stopped. I smiled grimly. Shadow nodded and disappeared. I grabbed my robot from my Lake. Time to try a new spell.
“Sequence 9! Juggernaut form!” I yelled.
The robot jumped at me and engulphed me. I moved my hand in my suit of robot armor. The action was smooth, like the armor was outer skin. It was perfect. I looked at her. “You’re lucky that I don’t have my sword and shield yet.” I said.
I jumped forward. I pointed my hands at her and a vortex of lightning launched at her. She paled. “A level 10 move? What are you?" she cried, and the lightning covered her. I heard the shield snap. She jumped out of the vortex, in a robot suit of her own. I raised my eyebrows. “It looks like I have to finish this fast, my robot is low on charge.
She launched a powerfull bolt at me, and i crossed my hands to block it. The bolt slammed into my hands, and I flew into a wall. She smirked through her armor. "Guess you arn't as strong as you thought you were, huh?" she asked, trying to br mocking.
But, her breathing was labored, and she was obliviously tired. Raised her hand, and a black spear appeared in it. "I'm so screwed." I thought to myself.
Suddenly, i remembered a spell guide I had found in an ancient book in the library. I raised my right hand into the air. She jumped forward at me and threw her lance. I summoned my blood shield and sent it back. She doged it, but it was too late. “Lightning Rod” the ancient spell shook the arena.
Beams of black lightning shot from my hand and engulphed her. Then the screaming started. Horrified at its power, I stopped it. Cynthia collapsed in a heap on the arena, her armor fried. It melted back into a laptop. I grabbed it and dropped it into my Lake along with my own.
“Class dismissed.” Sir Douglas said, shaken. I grabbed Cynthia, and Bakar and I walked off to our dorm. He looked at me. “That was new. You should update your robot soon. I bet that spell will level it up”. He looked at Cynthia, who was now over my shoulder.
“Well, I hope that teaches her a lesson.” He said, in an attempt to be haughty, bet he looked worried.
As we walked, chatting, Brent appeared around the bend. “Well well, it looks like the two sissies got a girlfriend. The couldn’t find two, so they have to share one!” He said, snickering at his own joke.
He and his gang laughed, and sauntered off. I growled. “If I wasn’t holding Cynthia, I would use lightning rod on that jerk.”
We got to the room right as Cynthia woke up. She jumped out of my hands and looked around. “What happened?” she looked at me and paled.
“How? How did you beat me?” She said, horrified.
“Well, I actually tried.” I said. “You were holding back. But after my display, do you think you can respect us now?” I asked, annoyed. She sighed. “I guess I have no choice.” “My name is Cynthia sixhammer, seven star blackmage. And you?”
“I am Bakar Lightsword. 6 star healer.” Bakar said.
“I am Lance Starfinder, 10 star shadowmage.” I said, without thinking.
They both jumped. I was confused for a moment, but then I remembered what happened. “Crap! I never told Bakar!” I thought, horrified.
“Lance!? Your last name is Starfinder? You said you didn’t know your last name! You are the one the prophecy spoke of aren’t you?” Bakar asked, rattling off questions like a chaingun.
I paled. “I’m sorry Bakar. Harvester told me I had to keep it secret. Please don’t tell anyone” Cynthia looked at us. Again, something like recognition flashed through her eyes, and she moved towards me. She stopped middstep. “Something tells me this year will be quite interesting.” She said, and turned around.

Comments & reviews · 3
barefootrunner wrote a review Review · Jun 1, 2013

Hi there! Another review from barefootrunner to cheer up your day :)

Okay, so spelling, grammar, plot and characters are all much the same as before. But I can sometimes sense some more humanity in your characters nowadays than before. Good stuff! Keep it up!

I'd also like to say that I like your chapter sizes. It's perfect for this sort of online light reading. However, if you want to make a more serious book out of this, this stuff will only be the backbone of the story and you would fill it in with more classes and lots of description. Your plot pace is still raging like a bull in a ring and now we have a great face-palm moment at the end when Lance reveals everything so stupidly!

Now the readers all suspect that Cynthia is of course the spy! Great suspense here! But things in between actions like this are way too easy for Lance. He adapted to this whole new lifestyle so smoothly, one forgets that he even had a life before this. He doesn't get hurt, doesn't lose a step. It would have been better if Cynthia had beaten him soundly and he had gone to the Library to study overnight to beat her a second time. In that way, your character grows meaningfully.

So keep going and edit it from the first chapter to the end!

barefootrunner

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Dreamy
Review
Dreamy wrote a review Review · May 26, 2013

This piece of work deserves to be made into a TV show, but the thing is that, this has the resemblance of Harry Potter. Well, its really healthy to get inspired by something and want to write with its basics but just try to avoid the possible characterization of your inspired story. From what I made out, the people in the story are using the help of technology as well as the magical spell. That idea is super cool.The best part which I liked the most is that the fight between Cynthia and Lance, I didn't find any possible mistakes in that. You should look through your story before submitting it because it will avoid all the possible mistakes like the spelling and the punctuations. Other than that this story is entertaining and adventurous. Keep up your good work. Good Luck.

ANADIR replied · May 26, 2013

Thanks! I hate to break it to you though, but this has absolutely no help from harry potter. :P Well, I guess you could argue that going to a "Magic School" is a reference, but that wasn't actually where I got my Idea. I did, however get many of my ideas from various assorted books, but by mostly unfamous authors. I am an extremely fast reader, and read about a 1000 page book a day. Because I go through books so fast, I often take a small idea from each book, and piece the best ideas together to make my book. In fact, you might notice that my writing style constantly changes. that is probably because I pick up the authors writing style along with his best ideas. (in my opinion.) Then, I blend everything together, and it gives me a writing style that many people think is strange.

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StoneHeart
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StoneHeart wrote a review Review · May 13, 2013

Ah, okay, Black here for a review!


I do believe that I've reviewed a chapter of this story before! So that gives me a start - though I'm thinking that it was closer to the first chapter. As before you have the exact same problem (Don't worry, you're getting better, I can see that - but the problem's still there).

The problems are these: Bad Grammar, not enough description, and messy Pace. I'll try to show you what's wrong with each, but in the end it's all gonna be up to you to sit down and work through them!

First off: Grammar.
All right, no offense, but the fact that you're only, what? Thirteen? Is really showing through in this area, your whole overall way of writing is grammatically incorrect (Don't be discouraged, these kinds of things will go away with time and practice), and you really need to sit down and put some time in to work on it!

Mainly you use these very oddly structured sentences (This is important in your pace problems too!) like these:

When it finally got time for Battle Tactics, I went to Sir Douglas. “Sir, instead of fighting Brent today, can I battle my team mate?” he looked at me.

“Why?” He asked.

"You don't think Brent is a match for you anymore?" He said, disapproving.


Now technically this sentence is okay, besides the fact that the 'disapproving' should be 'disapprovingly' and the 'got' should be 'came'! Your real problem is that you structured it wrongly.
I'll re-write it here . . .

When it finally came time for Battle Tactics, I went to Sir. Douglas," Sir! Instead of fighting Brent today, may I battle my own team-mate!" I said, saluting (You don't have to use this, but something along these lines - for effect)
"Why?" he asked (Descriptor in here - such as 'crisply' or 'curtly')," You don't think Brent is a match for you anymore?" he looked disapprovingly at me.


See how I put the two paragraphs you had into one? (Including the little piece after Lance's dialogue). When someone says something you have to take it all and put it together into one piece! You can't have them go 'blahblahblah' ENTER 'blahblahblah', it has to be 'blahblahblahblahblah'!

Now i don't have time to point out EVERYTHING but this example shows you the main problem in the grammar!

Your Pace and Description have problems in that you're really going through things jerkily, using the wrong descriptors/not enough description. I don't know what this 'ring' they fight in looks like. I don't know whether Sir. Douglas is wearing armor, or is dressed up like a black belt Karate Champ . . . I don't know if the lightening lit up a tiny little shack floating on a raft in the middle of the Atlantic, or a massive arena!

See what I mean?

Okay, I'll stop the critique here . . .

I hope it helps!

Don't be discouraged! Really! You're a great writer! You have great ideas, and a great amount of action! You have the essential originality needed for a good story!

I love the action!

. . . Oh, yeah, and you really need to make your chapters a bit . . . bigger?

Anyway!

Good luck here! Be sure to keep writing, if you don't you'll never get over any of these problems! A writer advances by practicing his craft!

~Black~



seagulls are bad sea chickens with no sense of humanity
— Kay (novembercrow)