I walked through the massive halls of the boy’s dorm, looking for room 104. After a few minutes of searching, I finally found it. I opened the door and went in. inside were three beds, one with a body in it. Thinking that my roomie was asleep, I figured I would go to sleep as well and meet him in the morning. But as I got into bed and pulled the covers up, a form jumped up in front of me and scared the living crap out of me. Literally. I flipped out and started crabbing at him. “What in the world man? Do you have any idea of the day I just went through? I got jumped by monsters, rescued from jail, and scarred in the back by an ugly face!” he looked apologetic. “sorry man… I didn’t think you would take it so hard.” “the body on the bed was just an illusion anyway.” “An illusion? What’s that?” I asked. “you don’t know?” “Yes I’m sort of new here.” The boy chuckled. “Well my name is Bakar Lightsword. Who are you?”
I thought for a moment. I remembered Harvester telling me to keep my last name and stars secret. “I’m Lance. I don’t know my parents.” Bakar looked at me. “All-righty then Lance I’m a healer with 3 stars.” “What about you?”
“Healer? What is that?” I asked “You’re a paramedic or something?” Bakar chuckled. “How new to this are you Lance? I’m a Healer mage. Do you even know the different types of mages?” “Different types of mages? I didn’t know that…what are they?” “It’s a long explanation.” He replied. “Well we do have all night”
“Well, the well known classes are redmage,blackmage,shadowmage,swordmage,bluemage,summoner,graymage, and healer. There are more types, but those are the basic ones, and you can become one of the stronger branches from one of these. Redmage and Blackmage are the normal offence classes. They both use elemental spells, but black mage has weather spells and a little bit of necromancy.”
“Hey I thought necromancy was the thing the bad guys did.?” Bakar laughed. “Not only bad people use necromancy. It can be used for evil purposes like you said, but it can also be used for good. Like letting people see their loved one more time.”
He then continued. “Bluemage and Graymage are the basic defense classes. Bluemage can only use the water element, and can use it mostly for shields, but can do a little offense magic as well. Graymage has no elemental power, but they can buff and use all defense spells.” “What is “buff””? “Well buffing is like making people stronger through magic. It can let them take more hits or become faster.”
“Then there is the swordmage. They are rather rare and are our blacksmiths. They can enchant weapons, armor, and metal. They can also control their bodys more than an average human.” “Then there are summoners. They are a dark/fire class. The can use fire element and the super element dark. They can also summon demons. They also usually get familiars.” “Wait a minute” I said. “Is it possible for other mages to get familliars?” “It is, but it is rather rare.” He continued on. “The healer class can use the super element light. They can also heal. And Finally there is Shadowmage. It is the most powerfull basic class. It has all four elements, can have familliars, summon demons,and has the super element Dark.
“Also, there are very rare.” “Now get some sleep, you have the choosing tomorrow when they tell you what type of mage you are” “Goodnight” I muttered. I fell asleep before I could hear his answer.
In the morning, I snapped awake, and ran off to the choosing as fast as I could. I got there barely on time. As I watched they would call people up and have them sit on a chair. Then they would cast some sort of a spell on them and a sign would appear above their head. So far what I had seen was: a red fire for redmage, a black skull for blackmage, a glowing sword for swordmage, a yellow star for healer, and a red staff for summoner.
After what seemed like hours I got called up. I walked up to the stage on shaky legs. I sat down and let them cast the spell on me. There was a collective gasp around me. I looked up to see a pitch black monster with red eyes above my head. The announcer looked at me and proclaimed, “And look here! We have our first shadowmage in a decade! All welcome Lance!” I returned to my seat. The rest of the choosing passed like a blur. When it finally ended I went to my room.
As I walked into my room, I noticed an envelope on my bed. It read “Lance, Class schedules. I sat down and started to open it. Bakar walked through the door. “Wow dude! You’re a shadowmage?” he cried amazed. “Yep. Why didn’t you tell me quite how rare they were?” “Well I didn’t think it would be that important…” he muttered.
I finished opening my class schedule. I looked at it. 1 per. Elements 2 per. Magic history 3 per. offence training 4 per. Summoning 5 per. Familiars 6 per. Dark magic and elemental magic 7 per. Monster info 8 per. Battle strategy tactics.
Eight classes? And all in one day? That was pushing it. School went from 6 am to 4 pm. I sighed. It was going to be a long week. I went to sleep without a single word.
I woke up in the morning to the sweet loving sound of an alarm clock cussing its head off at me and bakar laughing his head off. “I set your alarm clock to cuss at you until you tell it to shut up” he managed to get out, and then fell over laughing. I told the thing to shut up, threw my pillow at Bakar and went to class. It took me 6 minutes to get to class. When I got there, I was exactly one minute late. I sat down in my seat and the teacher started yelling at me. “Lance! You must be on time on all of my classes! I will send you back to where you came from if you are late to my class again! I sighed. This was going to be a long day.
A little while later I emerged from class with a new spellbook. Now with an amazing 2 spells in my arsenal, my rhyme lightning and the fireball spell I just learned, I felt like I was far behind everyone else, which I was.
As I was walking to my room for my first break, I wasn’t watching where I was going and accidently bumped into a large boy. He looked down at me. “Watch where you’re going, clumsy” I muttered an apology and tried to go around him. “Not so fast” “I think he needs a lesson. Right boys?” his gang of thugs agreed. I tried fighting them, but they were third years, and knew more spells. I managed to zap one of them with my rhyme-lightning, but they paralyzed me. “Why you little @$^%” let go of me!” I roared. “I don’t think so. Right boys?” “That’s right Brent!” one of them cried. The world turned red. I launched a massive fireball at one, who didn’t have time to put up his shield, and he barely doged it. Brent looked at me. “you’ll pay for that”
I did. Went back to my room and ran into Bakar on the way back. He looked worried. “I heard you had a fight with Brent” “Yea I did. Not much of a fight though, he clobbered me.” Bakar looked at me and waved his hands over my head. He muttered some gibberish and suddenly the pain from the bruises left. “I only healed the pain though. The bruises are still there. We have the next class together though!” he skipped off and I wondered how he could be so happy all the time.
When I got back to my room, there was a note posted on the door. Report to the headmasters office immediately-Lance I went off to find the headmasters office. When I found it, I went in, and entered a small room with a table. The lady at the table looked at me. “Do you have an appointment with Headmaster Wyat?” She asked. “Yep. I got summoned by him. There was a note on my door” “Oh, you must be Lance then. Come with me” and she walked into some room. I followed her. She turned around and pointed a stick at me. She muttered a word and the world spun and everything went black.
I opened my eyes to see a middle aged man watching me. “Well lets see them then” He said. “See what?” I asked. “The black stars of course.” I jumped. “How do you know about that? “Harvester works for me” he said. “What happened to you?” I looked at myself, and saw all the bruises. I said “Brent and his gang beat me up. He looked surprised. “That bad? They usualy only leave one bruise.” “well I made them pretty mad” he chuckled. “Well you better get that healed soon.” I said I would and turned to leave. “Wait a minute Lance. I was thinking you should take special classes with my only other shadowmage, Cane.” “I’ll call him now.”
About five minutes later, the door slammed open and a short buff man waddled in. I couldn’t help it. I laughed. A second later I was pinned to the wall by two monsters. The little man looked at me. “You are Lance?” “Yes” “I am Cane” the little man said “Do you intend to have private tuition under me?” “Yes” I replied “You will do as I say, when I say. You fail, you die. You will report to my office at 5 and leave at 7. Do not be late.” Then Cane turned on his heel and walked out. “Perfect! Now head back to your room Lance, I’ll speak with you later.”
When I got back to my room, I checked the time and cursed. I missed part of my magic history class. I sprinted there as fast as my legs could carry me. When I got in, the teacher saw me and chewed me out soundly. “Lance! You better not make a habit of this!” Now sit down, and start writing down what I have on the board. After about five minutes, I decided I had found my most boring class. I started snoozing off and suddenly, there was a jarring pain in my head. I looked up to se the teacher had thrown his baton at my head and guided it with magic. Maby this class won’t be so boring after all.
After Magic History, I went to Offense class. When we all got there, the teacher started giving us a speech. “Welcome to offence class. You will get broken bones in this class, and there will be no magic. You will not always be able to use your magic, so I will be teaching you how to fight without it. You do not need to know my name, so you will call me sir.” He looked around the class. Then his eyes fell on me, and he said “You there! Come up here, you will be my test dummy while I show you and the class how to get out of an arm lock. Now start here…” an hour later, I had more blue on my skin than white, and I ached all over. So far it seems that all the teachers hate my guts.
Next, I went to summoning Class. I saw the teacher there, and immediately, I liked him. He was tall, with swirling black eyes. He looked around the class. He saw me. “Welcome class! This is summoning, the basics! Here you will learn how to summon demons from the first 7 circles. My name is John, and I will be your summoning teacher.” Still watching me, he cut his thumb, and drew a pentagon on the ground with blood.
As we watched, he summoned a small demon from the first circle. The little demon went around and passed out papers to all of us. I looked at my paper. It had a picture of a pentagon with some lines around it. “Now class, I want you to lightly cut your thumb, or bite it to blood, and draw the circle on the paper. Then imagine a small demon like the one I just summoned, appearing in the circle.”
I bit my thumb and drew the pentagon on my table. I then imagined a little furry red monster with wings appearing on the circle. Nothing happened. I tried again. Some other kids had already sucsedded in summoning a little circle one demon. This went on for five minutes. Soon, I was the only one without a summoned demon. I began to grow exasperated. Everybody was watching me.
I got so mad, I smacked the pentagon with my bloody, finger, not thinking, and put a bloody dot in the middle of the pentagon. John yelped and cried “Stop! Stop!” but it was too late. I imagined a little devil, complete with trident standing in my summoning circle. There was a flash of light, and the pentagon turned black.
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Hi there! barefootrunner back to review!


You make your readers salivate! Seriously, you have great talent for light, witty and action-packed prose. You'd better keep writing...
Spelling and grammar:
Once again, work on it. If you want me to give you some quick tutorials and grammar-shredding, just ask
Logic:
Better than before, but there are a few elements, like that there are different teachers for different subjects, but one says not to make a habit out of being late, that aren't perfect, but the basic framework flows very well.
Plot:
The same idea — utterly raging with action!
Language:
Very choppy and rough, not refined. You rush through anything that would take much effort and focus on the action that is your forte. So you need to get in more interaction, dialogue, details, descriptions.
Characters:
Again, they languish because you feed all your efforts to the plot. Your main character does not have a defined personality and seems to just allow himself to be dragged through this thing, clueless and confused. We also want to know much more about the other students. Make friends with the first years! Let's see their emotions too and their ideas. Let Lance talk to his roommate again! Describe it all, give them personalities.
Overall, much the same as last, but a slight improvement in my opinion. You still really need to check up on direct speech! You have talent!
barefootrunner
Hey man,
This story is so entertaining, you have a natural talent for literal comedy, and the way your character views the world is very relatable, I think. I see you've definitely taken our advice when we say slow it down. But now take the time to add detail to this world. Use the opportunity to describe the school (which is like a mixture of the Kebbler elves and Hogwarts? I just imagine Lance walking into a tree that was really a portal to a school for mages). I would really like to see more imagery, with the dorm rooms, the classrooms, the hallways, obviously - a school for mages - this environment carries thick detail with it. You have the imagination to keep the story fresh and interesting, now use your imagination to paint the scenes of the story for the reader. Take your time between places, describe them. Describe how your characters feels upon first reactions to this new world and the new people he meets. You have some really great material, and a really good vision here. Remember, this is not a movie, the scenes require depth, and your characters require even more depth, don't rob your novel of its potential by not accurately depicting the image in your mind's eye. I'm your first follower by the way! I look forward to reading more.
Try to go back a rewrite these first two chapters. There is enough information for about 20 pages of detail and story between the two chapters, try to use as much you can.
I wanted to show you want we mean when we say 'break up your dialogue'
“Healer? What is that?” I asked, “You’re a paramedic or something?”
Bakar chuckled. “How new to this are you Lance? I’m a Healer mage. Do you even know the different types of mages?”
“Different types of mages? I didn’t know that…what are they?”
“It’s a long explanation.” He replied.
“Well we do have all night”
It just helps us see who's talking and who's doing what. It adds an overall form to your writing. Practice it, it's super easy.
JMR3
Okay, so this was a-m-a-z-i-n-g! I love the originality, it really caught me and threw me off a cliff! Amazing, amazing, amazing! The whole feel of it all makes me want to go read the first chapter! Originality is a big point with me!
Grammar: Your main problem is grammar, you do not use you '"'s properly. You have huge chunks of dialogue all smushed together, and frankly, they're a mess. YOU HAVE TO STOP THAT! When one person says something it should be in one paragraph, when another person says something, it should be in another, not both in one. It reads wrong and is improper.
Spelling: You forget to use you '"'s a lot, that has got to go, without them you cannot break the paragraphs up proper (Grammar) and have them work.
Style: Major problem here, your pace is way, way, way to fast. This is one, HUGE day and night going by. This should be covered in at least three chapters, in explicit detail! Not in one! Remember too, dialogue is a good thing to use, but there are times when monologue is preferable. What you have to do here is to put in a LOT more detail. For example, when he's proclaimed a Shadow Mage, the whole ceremony has to be put in in excruciating detail. Or when he meets Cane. Or when he meets Barak. Really!
Plot: Interesting. This is your strongest point, you're well organized, though un-detailed (Rushing through things), and very original. A GREAT POINT! Keep this up and you'll have a great story.
Theme: I guess it's a bit early to go jumping on your theme, but make sure you have one. Fantasies don't usually have themes, but they're much, much better when they do.
Overall: Cut down those paragraphs, put in more detail, and keep up the originality and organization! Do that and this will be great!
Really great!
Keep it up! Loving this.
~Black~
What an awesome review. This kid does definitely have something fresh and original going for him here. Andair you should feel very flattered that so many people are taken by your imagination and story telling ability. It's a skill beyond writing itself, you seem to be a natural. Take in consideration what we say and this piece could be something special!
JMR3
Thanks for all the wonderfull support guys! I will take into consideration all of what you have said, and try to update my chapters to more expanded ones. thanks! -andy
Hmmm, I'd have betted (Half an hour ago) that you two where the same.
Well, you're welcome anyway.
we're different. I just noticed that you gave him the same advice.
lol