E - Everyone

Unleashed:Awakened part 5 of book, now finished!

When I got there, Cane was already waiting for me. “About time you got here.” He said. “We will start with Bloodbolt, the weakest shadowspell. Now, first, imagine your lake. Now instead of reaching up to it, have it form in your hands. As it forms, imagine it hitting somebody and draining them of blood, making them a dry husk.
I was disgusted, but did as Cane said. It took me ½ hour but I finally got it. “Good” He said. “Now hit that flower.” I looked at the flower. Then I tossed the bolt. It shot forward and hit the thing directly. It shriveled up. Suddenly, a blue bolt shot back at me and hit me in the chest. Instantly, I felt like all my energy was back, like I had been sleeping for days. I grinned. Cane looked at me. “The Bloodbolt steals the Energy from your opponent. You must learn to block it with your mind. To do so, you must imagine the lake leaking out on to you, and forming a sphere around you. Then imagine a Bloodbolt hitting it, and disappearing into it.
I did as he said, but I thought “Why have it go into it? Why not have it bounce back?” so I modified my spell. I made the shimmering black, but see trough, shield around me. Suddenly, he tossed a bolt at me. I yelped, but held the shield. It slammed into the shield. “Good..” Cane started to say, but was cut off when the bolt bounced back at him. He laughed and sent it into the celing harmlessly. He looked at me. “Good work Lance. You are a natural. You just made a spell. Summon your Energybook. I grabbed my laptop, and was about to drop it. “Wait” Cane said.
“Turn it on.” I did. I looked at the desktop. I noticed a few files already installed, like program, hard drive, info, skills, and one other called To: Lance. I was about to open the one titled to me, but Cane said “Now open hard drive.” I opened it. “Now touch the black dot at the top of the page.” I put my finger on the black dot. Two lines appeared on the page. –Lightning Zap: level 2, Blood Reflector: level 4 Cane looked at the screen. “Lightning zap? What’s that?” he asked. In response I pointed my fingers at him. Instead of saying the rhyme, I decided to mess around a bit for fun, and imagined red and blue lightning twirling around each other in a vortex. Suddenly, the very same thing launched from my fingers. Cane looked at it and waved his hand. Nothing happened. He backed up. He raised a shield. My vortex slammed into it. I yelped and called it off. Cane was still there, but his shield was destroyed. He looked at me. “That’s no level two spell. Touch the screen again.” I tapped the black dot. New spell added -Lightning Vortex: Level 10. Cane looked at my laptop. “A new spell?” He laughed. He went to the hard drive and opened a folder called “Locked” he typed in a password and opened a folder called defense mode. He tapped disable and closed it. “What did you just do?” I asked. “I stopped it from copying other students moves. It was too powerful.” He glanced at a clock “Oh my. Its 7 already. Your class is over. I’ll see you on Wednesday.
A Month passed by Bakar and I became best friends, and together we became stronger mages. We quickly worked our ways to the top of most of our classes (other than familiar class, she hates us) we became known as the invincible pair, since we won nearly every battle and studied all night, beause we would use Bloodbolt (Which I taught Bakar) on plants over night to study spells.
One day we were exploring the passages of the school, when I leaned on a wall and it fell back. Bakar laughed. “Looks like you had a “Fall in”” he said still laughing. I punched him. We went in and closed the door. I summoned my Energybook. Its glowing yellow eyes lit up the darkness. We looked around. We were in a massive library. We looked at each other and jumped with joy. “This must be ancient! Look at these books! Over hundreds of years old!” Bakar cried! We hugged. “You know, I could try setting a warp here. It’s a new spell I learned. Shall we try?” He asked. “Sure why not.” He set a warp and we got out of there.
We were so exited we could barely sleep. The next morning, elements, magic history, combat training, summoning, and familiars passes quickly. When I got to Dark magic class, we were supposed to to make a new spell to pass a test. I mixed my fireball and thunder blast to see what would happen. The result was an accidental summoning of a lightning/fire golem. Needless to say, I passed with 100%. Well, im just guessing that I passed with 100% because I couldn’t hear much over the sound of my golem destroying everything. When I finally calmed it down, it looked like my side of the dorm. Mr. Leonardo looked at me. “I’m not sure if I should pass you for combining two elements into a golem at novice level, or fail you for destroying my class room. I think I’ll pass you, just to keep the rest of my classroom around. Now head off to your next class kids.
When we got to battle tactics, we were told to take this period as a break, because there were sightings of strange creatures near the academy. After that, I headed over to my combat training with Bakar. Sir Douglas again, paired us up with Brent and his gang. This time though, we were determined to win, and I had new spells since our next encounter. “Are you two ready to kiss the ground?” Brent asked. “Begin!” Roared Sir Douglas.
I jumped at Gayle and Bakar attacked Drake. Gayle growled, and threw his new and improved level 5 net at me. I whipped my staff and it ate it up. I then summoned my fire/lightning golem and sent it at Gayle. He tried throwing a net at it, but the golem just brushed it away. He started casting a water spell, but he was too late. The golems hand crashed into the side of his head and he toppled to the ground. I turned to Bakar and Drake. Bakar was just finishing off Drake with his healers staff.
I watched as Drake summoned a blast of power, and sent Bakar’s healing staff flying. I ran to help, but bakar had already done a reverse healing, and the last injury he had returned, which happened to be horrible constipation. He rolled off the stage holding his ass. I turned to Brent in time to see a black bolt flying at my face. I raised my staff just in time. Suddenly there was a flash. And my staff blew into a million pieces.

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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Sun Dec 29, 2013 4:53 pm

Hello again! I thought I'd take a look at the next part :)

Specifics

1.

I was disgusted, but did as Cane said. It took me ½ hour but I finally got it.
Try to avoid using fractions and things in a book, unless it's part of a scientific equation. It's strange and pulls the reader out of the story - instead you should simply write out 'half an hour'.

2. I like the way he creates his own spell the first time, but the second feels unrealistic. This is another example of your character being over-powered and it's dull. Every reader wants to see a character struggle through the world and to have to fight to get where they want to be because that's the way the world is and it's satisfying to know that others have to work hard as well. A character who is good at something without even trying is unlike-able, not only to your reader, but it should also be the case with other characters. People want to know that someone deserves to be good at what they do.

3. Characters hugging after finding a library is a weird response. I love books, really I do, and because of that I'd already be darting to one of the shelves, as would my like minded friends. Your characters are also boys and boys just aren't that touchy feely. They're also still acting too alike. It would work better if one tried to hug the other but the other pushed him away or ran for the books instead. You need to distinguish their personalities.

Overall

You need to slow this down - less time jumps and more character building! I understand that you're eager to get to the battle scenes, but for me the most interesting part of this was the idea that they'd discovered a possibly ancient library... and then they warp jumped out of there. What happened to them being excited about the discovery?

It doesn't feel like you have a plot, but instead a sequence of things happening which have no ties together. There needs to be more to the story than just a sequence of events.

My main piece of advice to you is to show us how and why the characters become closer friends, rather than just telling us they do, and to make the characters more distinct. I want to see Bakar do something which your main character wouldn't, or thinks is wrong, or vice versa. They need to be different people and they need to be more interesting!

I hope this review's not too disappointing. You do have some cool magic and fun ideas, but it just won't work without good storytelling.

Heather xx

Hi there! barefoot here to review AGAIN!

You might be tired of me going through the motions, but here I go again:

Spelling and grammar:
Exactly the same.

Logic:
Very good!

Characters:
You just scudded over months of school where Lance could have made lots of friends and grown up a bit more! *sulks* I feel cheated! You really have to pay attention to your characters. I also feel that Lance needs to be weak/bad at something! Heck, no-one is that perfect!

Plot:
Yup, I can sense it picking up again! Good job on the movement here!

So overall, I think we are getting to an important part of the story, which might be explained in the next chapter...
barefootrunner

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Devereaux
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This is really it? The end of a wonderful story? It's good though, just keep writing and don't give up. I'm rooting for you!

Lol, this is not even close to done. I just finished the book, and am now posting the chapters. There about 15 more chapters. Don't fret :D



One by one they went / And, though each laughed as he returned to earth / Their souls were in their eyes.
— Alfred Noyes (Watchers of the Sky)