I growled. “That was my favorite weapon. You’ll pay for that”. I summoned my lightning vortex and surrounded him in it. When I finally released the spell, his shield was destroyed, along with his weapon, clothes, hair, and most of his body was scratched up. I had finally won.
I returned to my room laughing with Bakar. We got into our dorm and saw a letter on the floor. I walked over to it and looked at it. It was titled “To Lance and Bakar” I opened it and saw five words. You’re getting a new roomie.
We looked at eachother. “Well, this could be either really awesome, or horrible” Bakar said. “What do you mean”? I asked. “Well, first, can he keep up with us? And can we trust him with the library?” I gasped. “I totally forgot about that!” “Well” Bakar said, “Our roomie probably won’t come for another week. So we will have some time to check out the ancient library. Let’s not waste time.
He invoked his warp spell and we were instantly in the ancient old thing, this time with a flashlight. We split up to look around. I found a book called “Your inner weapon, the one meant for you.” Curious I opened it. I started reading. Dear reader, much of what you know about magic weapons is wrong. Each weapon is created specifically for one person. They are never destroyed. If they break, the simply appear to the person they were made for. Often times, you will get your weapon from a battle, or rescue. By using the weapon specially crafted for you, you determine its abilities, which Mach your own strength. The rest of it was torn out. I wondered why anyone would destroy the book, it didn’t seem to have forbidden spells. I continued looking around. A book caught my eye. “Morphing and all its power” I smiled, and opened the book.
A few days later, Bakar and I were sitting in our room, discussing the spells we had learned from the library. “I found one to transfigure space! Check this out!” I said to him. I waved my arms and pictured a fourty foot domed room around us. The ground seemed to swim out from under us. In seconds, we were standing in the dome I had imagined. He looked around. “Cool illusion! What book did you get that from?” “None. This is no illusion. I changed the space in our room, without affecting the actual walls of it.” I replied. He raised his eyebrows. “Is it permanent? Or does it leech your energy?” “Its permanent. Once made, I don’t have to give it any more energy.” I said. He smiled. “You’ll have to Teach me that one.”
“I also found an amazing spell im still working on mastering.” I said. “Its called…” before I could finish my sentence there was a knock on the door. Bakar jumped up. “It must be our roomie! I forgot! O no… we didn’t clean up yet!” I smiled. I summoned my robot. “Sequence 10. Tornado form” the robot started shaking. In moments, it suddenly created a small tornado in its mouth, and sucked all the loose items around the room in. I tossed it back into my Lake. Bakar grinned. “Let’s go welcome our new buddy. But don’t talk about the Library yet.”
Together, we bounded up to the door. He reached out and opened it. But behind it was not what we expected. Instead of our expected roomie, there was a girl, about 5’6 with blond hair and green eyes. She looked at us. “How did you get in this dorm! Its mine! Get out of the girls dorms you perverts!” she cried. I frowned. “I think you have it wrong. Boys dorms on first 100-400 floors. She frowned. “I don’t think so. The headmaster said room 104.” “Well, this is our room. You should go ask him, maybe you misunderstood him.” “I didn’t misunderstand him. Go ask him! He said room 104!” she snapped at us. I sighed. “Very well. Stay here Bakar.
I sprinted over to the headmasters office and knocked on the door. He answered. “Ahh, Lance! How do you like your new roomie?” I frowned. “He didn’t show up yet. But some girl came and said we were in her room. Did you send her to the wrong room? Wyat chuckled. “No, that’s your roomie. She was the only one with power to match you and Bakar in training.
I jogged slowly back to my dorm, thinking. “She was the only one as strong as us? Hmph. Ill test that theory.” I got back to the dorm to find them both staring at me impatiently. I sighed. “Yes, this is her dorm.” She jumped up triumphantly. “See? I told you guys! Now get out of my room!” I laughed. “Not quite. You see, it’s our dorm too. It appears we are roommates. She growled. “Very funny.” I snickered. Not kidding. Here.” I tossed her the letter Wyat gave me. She opened it and her face creased. “I guess so. You guys better not cause any trouble for me.” She grumbled. Bakar snickered. “Come this way your royal highness, then” he said in a mocking voice. She fumed, but entered the room. She looked around. “I though the letter said the rooms were small.” She muttered under her breath, not intending for us to hear her. But since Bakar had invoked a hearing spell, we heard it. “They are supposed to. I morphed it with magic.” I called over. She laughed. “You? No way. You look too weak to do much more than a fireball.” I cackled. “We have battle tactics tomorrow. Ill show you in a one on one battle. We are nothing to mess with.”
“Worthless scum! How long does it take you to destroy one puny human magic school?” “Master, please! Give me time, we have finally gotten a spy past that pesky headmaster. Soon, you can come and destroy them all!
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Unleashed:Awakened part 7!Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi there! barefootrunner here for... Yes, another review!
I'll leave out spelling, grammar and pacing problems, because you know what I have to say already, but let's look at a few details:
The Library. Your characters have just gained another cool artifact — this is starting to look like a video game where everything is just going too well! But a library is something entirely different — musty, old, dusty and brimming with forbidden knowledge! All you have told readers is that there are lots of books in there and it's cool! No! Don't waste the opportunity to showcase your prowess in detail! Give them scents, images, sounds, everything!
The warp spell. What is it and what does it do? How does it do it? What does it look like and how is it invoked? Give us all the details and satisfy our curiosity!
The girl. Is she tall, loud, fat, does she have a nose like a pig or a misshaped ear? Does she make the guys uncomfortable? What sort of aura does she have? Give us details about her!
And the morphing spell. Give us a better description of the spell's effects. It is something the reader has never seen before, so give a lot of detail on it!
Basically, everything I said before with specific notes on certain objects and happenings. Great job!
barefootrunner
Hey Anadir, Black here for another Review Day Review!
Okay. It appears that that same old problem I pointed out to you in previous reviews is still floating around, the one with the messed up way of writing dialogue. However, you've kept up your power in action and originality, and you've given a great boos to the quality of your grammar and spelling. Good work there. At this point I'm going to really just say GREAT work with the originality and action. You did a great job. I can see you're right on that cutting edge between a beginner writer and an advanced writer.
Again, I must stress your weak points, and again I'm going to go through them with you and help you knead them out as best I can. But you must remember, at the end of the day you CAN'T rely on only Reviewers and you MUST take it up on yourself to do a good bit of the work. So here are the two things I'm going to work on you with here. Detail and your odd use of dialogue.
We'll start with your Dialogue:
So, first I'm going to give you an example of your problem, then I'm going to fix it for you, and then I'm going to generalize from it and hope that you take it upon yourself to fix the whole problem in your style!
This is the ultimate and prime example of your problem! When one person says something it should be in one line, when the next person says something it should come in a whole separate line. Let me re-write you this piece!
Do you get the general idea? Mind you, I cut 'eachother' into two words as it should be.
Now from this I'm going to generalize. A: You have a formatting error and when you paste the text onto YWS the program YWS uses messes it all up. Or B: You have a terrible habit of writing your dialogue in bunches. I've showed you how to fix the problem, now all you need to do is sit down and make a habit of doing it right!
Now, for your Pacing problem!
The thing here is that you're not putting enough detail in. I mean, you're so concentrated on your goal (Them meeting their new roomie) that you completely disregard all other important things.
Anyway! That's about it! Good luck here! You're doing really great! Good work!
~Black~
I mean like, use more descriptive words to describe the character. It can be old fashioned like "scum" or it could be more modern like "piece of crap." I love the series and want to read more though so don't stop writing. Also, could you describe his actual powers a bit more? I think it would help the plot a little since You're already so far in the story.
Awesome, but needs work on the bad guy's voice, and details on how the new girl looks, love her personality though, reminds me of a friend of mine.