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138,704 Literary Works • 672,249 Reviews
text version;
E.
my fingers trace the hole you left
when you entered, my skin
swollen and tender.
you made your way inside
and drank me up, lapping
at the remains of my half
-digested lunch.
you burrow like a rabbit
who has eaten her young
in a cold winter. there will be a
scar where you bit me
and it will seal you
in. when they count
my red blood cells
they will count you
too.
This is such an amazing poem, I love<3
awh thank you! that's such a compliment coming from such a brilliant poet as yourself!
This was a great, visceral opening, and a bit icky. But Bambi mentioning
Bot Flies has ruined my day x.x
Okay, this is even more disgusting xD
The period in the middle if this line really through off my rhythm. I think moving the sentence to the next line would smooth it out. You also had the hyphen in "half-digested" at the beginning of a line. I could see that being a sort of intentional play on the word half, but I think both just look weird and don't help to tell the story.
Not that your other metaphors weren't well-written, but this was far less disturbing. I will point out again that the previous sentence ends one word into the line, and it trips me up reading again. But as for this sentence, I love that it doesn't just show how consuming this bond was, but it also shows that there are and will be lasting consequences. When someone disappears from your life you stop making new memories with them, but all the ones you already have stick around and can be a very sore spot.
You aren't just you, you are a concoction of all your memories and friends and lovers and family and experiences. and you can't take those out. They are literally coursing through your veins to keep you and make you feel alive.
I think this is a very effective, if not a lil gross poem xD
~Messy
thank you for the review messy!! I think you are right about the line breaks and I will have a little re edit later! You've nailed it with the interpretation, putting it into better words that I could (which is why i portrayed it in such a gross way instead XD)
Hey rev! I'm here to read and review! Thanks for sharing your poem!
"my fingers trace the hole you left
when you entered, my skin
swollen and tender."
Oof, why does this make me think of a Bot fly?? xD
"you made your way inside
and drank me up, lapping
at the remains of my half
-digested lunch."
Honestly this part too lol Definitely giving off parasitic vibes here!
"you burrow like a rabbit
who has eaten her young
in a cold winter."
Ouchies! Cannibalistic love is rough. But this visual is a great descriptor. A mother rabbit doesn't eat her young out of malice, it's pure survival and response to the stressors of her environment. In this scenario that put both characters in a place of victimhood. Granted one dies and one does not (physically anyways). Just a very interesting comparison!
"scar where you bit me
and it will seal you
in. when they count
my red blood cells
they will count you
too"
Like they were dissolved within you and became a part of your overall makeup. So interesting that in the last paragraph they were the ones in the position of power(mother eating her kits) and now here they are locked away within, powerless but also maybe winning in the end? Burrowing in and forcing the host to live as one with them for all time? Deep.
Great work on this poem! I really enjoyed the thoughts and... rabbit trails(hah), it took me on.
(Forgive me, I couldn't resist lol)
thank you bambi! You're very right, i wanted to evoke parasitic imagery! It was about a toxic friendship I had where I felt as though she copied a lot of my personality in order to make me like her, but then used it to become 'more popular' so fed off me like a parasite