written for a creative writing class (i remember the prompt now, it basically had to be no dialogue!!)
The man was often bored at work. He sat alone, in a small, dusty cubicle, which though separated from all the other workers by thin, blue walls, was not exactly private by any means. There was a gap at the top of the walls big enough that those of average to taller than average height could look in on you as you worked, or as you didn’t work. It reminded him of the toilets in America, where he had spent a semester at a state college during his second year of university. He had majored in Economics. He had a 2:1.
This gap was presupposed to have been deliberately made for the exact reason of allowing workers to spy in on each other. It gave way to a sort of panopticon effect, where diligent workers would self-surveille themselves because someone could be watching them resting their heads on the stack of heavy folders which contained data to be entered into the ancient yellow personal computer that took centre space on each desk. The man hated the gap. He was just small enough that his eyeline was exact with the bottom of the gap. He had to stand on his tiptoes, creasing those battered black suede shoes some more each time. It was too risky for him, since the cubicle walls were really quite flimsy, and one time too many had become unsteady on his toes and very nearly knocked the entire structure down. This left him feeling very small, physically and mentally. What is one supposed to feel when the one activity that makes the constant invasion of privacy worth it is inaccessible to you? He was watched, but could not watch.
So, the man would sit and dutifully go through his folders and his files and one by one enter names and numbers into spreadsheets. The keyboard would go clackclackclackclackclackclack–cLACK-clackclackclack–CLACk. The space bar needed to be hit harder than the rest, due to some incident with American imported orange artificially flavoured soda from the vending machine on the ground floor, and perhaps some escaped crumbs from a meal deal ham and cheese sandwich. When one folder was complete, he would pick it up, stand up, open the door of his cubicle, exit it, close it, and walk slowly through the maze until he found wherever the data trolley was sitting, and then put the folder in the tray marked ‘DONE’. Sometimes he would, when no one was watching, pick up one of the folders from the ‘DONE’ pile, never the one he had just done, though, and put it in the ‘NOT DONE’ tray. And then, he would walk slowly back to his cubicle and whistle quietly and know that he may not be able to spy on his colleagues but that he could provide one or two of them a day with pointless work that didn’t need to be done. It did not make him chuckle, but it made the corner of his mouth stretch outwards, a bit, like someone was tugging at it with an invisible string, and somehow that felt like enough.
The man would also occasionally walk into other floors in the building and move through them like he was supposed to be there when he wasn’t. He’d have a folder in his right hand, clasped against his chest, and a coffee mug in the left, though he did not drink coffee, or even tea, or any hot drink. It would be that American imported orange artificially flavoured soda from the vending machine on the ground floor, simply decanted into a big mug that read, ‘DON’T TALK TO ME BEFORE I’VE HAD MY COFFEE’. And he would smile at the people on these floors, and say hello, and grumble and grimble and grimace to the people on these floors, and he would nod and pass files through doors and pick things up from one tray and put them in another tray and sigh and look exhausted. Then he would walk back up to his own floor, grab some more files, and get back to work inputting the names and numbers into the spreadsheet.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi 4revgreen!
I really love the dry, observant tone of this! You’ve captured the monotony of office life in such an engaging way. Every little detail about the cubicle, the surveillance-like atmosphere, etc, and even the sound of the keyboard makes the environment feel so lived in. The comparison to American toilet stalls was especially brilliant for me! That immediately set the tone for how the protagonist views his surroundings. A place designed to strip him of privacy. I mean, understandable!
I'll be honest. He kind of sucks as a person. Everything he does is so pathetic but in a way that makes him feel so real. You get this sense that he’s desperately trying to break free from the monotony of his life, even if it’s just by pretending to be someone else for a moment. Especially with the absurdity of the small details!
The whole panopticon effect bit is so clever too! It gives this almost dystopian air to an otherwise ordinary office setting. You can feel his frustration in the way he physically cannot participate in the very thing that makes this surveillance tolerable. That's so ironic! It makes his tiny rebellions so satisfying! I love how petty and pointless these acts are, yet it’s the only thing that seems to give him a sense of control. That final image of his mouth twitching slightly is subtle but so effective.
I’d say lean even more into his internal thoughts. I don't really know the guy! The setting feels stifling, but I’d love to get just a bit more insight into how he rationalizes these micro-rebellions. Is he aware of how ridiculous it is? Does he think he’s clever? I know some people irl who would think that's the best power move ever. Leaning into his character might be the move here though! It could add another layer of depth to him outside of the fact he wants to spy on people.
Overall, this is such an engaging read! The writing is so sharp, and I love how you balance humor with this quiet sort of existential dread! =D
— Solstice
thank you so much for your kind review! I definitely want to revisit this piece and maybe even write a full short story about the man and finally give him a name and address some of the things like his thoughts etc! <3
Hello, 4revgreen!
I haven't reviewed a story in a long while, so, truth be told, I'm nervous. Regardless, I'll try my best.
"Data Entry" presents to the reader a rather fatalistic world. Our protagonist is The man. I like that he is not given a name. A "name" is something we take for granted, since everybody gets one by default. So, to take that away from the man is a good choice for this particular story in my opinion.
The voice of the narrator reminds of the voice from The Stanley Parable. Lots of dry humor--that's what I assume you were going for, tonally. I like the choice. There are moments throughout that made me crack a smile. I chuckled when the "American imported orange artificially flavoured soda from the vending machine on the ground floor" gag came back around later.
Overall, in my mind, the descriptions created an unsettling mood, which juxtaposed against the humorous tone. He was watched, but could not watch was a chilling statement to read. If creating such contrast was the intention, then it worked to great effect.
The office's architecture is hostile to the workers, even more so to the man due to his stature or lack thereof. He could seen by a neighboring employee at any time and he wouldn't even know it. He has not the luxury to meet the watcher's gaze and give them the get off my case look. He has to be perfect employee, all of the time. This setup is very reminiscent of 1984. The theme of He was watched, but could not watch is supplemented by the theme of corporations' ignorant disregard for basic humane accommodation. Only those who are of below-average height have to suffer and live through a 1984-like work life, which obviously a discriminatory architectural choice. Everybody else can afford to look back at Big Brother. In a setting where you don't have control over much else, just being afforded the opportunity to tell off a policing employee who needs to mind their own business feels so empowering. Clearly, some really interesting concepts are rooted in this story.
The use of the word "presupposed" creates a lot of ambiguity. I don't hate it at all. It signals a lack of communication between upper echelon and the workers. It also leaves room for a wild interpretation, that management may have actually intended for the gap to connect the workers, to help them feel seen. A misguided, tone-deaf attempt at addressing the "lonely cubicle" problem. In that case, it may also be interpreted that, the workers have contributed to creating their own hell. The panopticon effect is nothing less than a projection of their own insecurities.
I don't personally think the latter part of the interpretation holds up very well. It stinks of victim-blaming. It sounds like something Bob's boss, from the first Incredibles movie, would say if somebody told him that the gap is a blatant violation of privacy. But I digress.
"The gap" also reminds me of the concept of "the divorce" from Albert Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus. As I understood it, the divorce is a conflict between our innate desire to understand the world and the world's stern refusal to be understood. The office wants the employees to be productive so much that it is willing to install Orwellian measures to prevent the workers from slacking off. But that very same measure sets off our protagonist on a "villain arc" where he does everything he can without getting caught to disrupt or hamper the productivity of others around him. Is the man revolting against the genes/the creator that made him short, the office that didn't account for the below-average heighted population or the neighboring chaps who are supposedly NSA-ing the heck out of his workflow? The gap builds up resentment in the man and his antics are the only way he can achieve any sort of release. He doesn't need to understand who he is metaphorically flipping off as long as it helps him reassert a sense of control over his work life.
He does not chuckle. Does he really not derive enough joy from the "prank" or is he just too self-conscious to laugh?
Strong imagery with the strings. I like it. Reminds me of "Tulips" by Sylvia Plath, the part where she wrote: Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.
My radar for grammar isn't the sharpest but, since I deem that it could be helpful to you, I will list some instances where the meaning was unclear to me, either due to typing mistake, grammatical error or my own lapse in comprehension:
I had to stop and re-read the sentence multiple times specifically at the "of average to taller than average" part. You could break the sentence down into two or actually just add more details and make it a bigger, clearer sentence. For a second, I pondered whether addition of hyphens could be an easy fix, e.g. taller-than-average. No wrong way to go about it. Also, it could just be me.
I did not understand the underlined clause.
I think "grimble" was a typo. The second "on these floors" sounds repetitive. Also, does the man smile at some workers and grimace at some others? Or does smile and then grimace at the same workers to confuse or scare them? I did not fully understand the intention of the author here.
The full sentence sounds clunky in my opinion. I think a whole lot happens here within a very short span of words. I used to hear this criticism a lot, when I started writing more prose after transitioning away from poetry. The advise that helped me personally was "don't be afraid to let the scene breathe." I understand that this short story was written in response to a prompt so it may have been written in quick time. But if you do revise this one, my recommendation would be to focus on reworking/revamping a few of the descriptions, as a writing exercise if nothing else.
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No complaints here. I just wanted to quote my favorite part of the story! Nothing beats American imported orange artificially flavoured soda from the vending machine on the ground floor. (Is it meant to be Fanta?? xdd )
To sum it up, "Data Entry" is a short but punchy story. The man is just trying to make the best of a world that makes no sense in order to humor himself. His antics are funny. Making yourself smile, that's what you have to do sometimes to keep yourself sane. I take that to be moral of the tale--a good one nonetheless. I absolutely love your use of "the gap" to create conflict. I had difficulty understanding certain parts. Even if that was due to the fault of the sentences, it's nothing that cannot be fixed. I hope my criticism wasn't too harsh or my interpretations too outlandish.
Wishing you an absolutely wonderful day. Keep on writing!
~ MAS
thank you ever so much for such a detailed review!! I really appreciate it!
for the 'one time too many had become unsteady on his toes' part, i'll try to explain my thoughts; because he is shorter than average, to look into the other cubicles he has to go onto his tip-toes and peer over, but when he did this before, he wasnt good at balancing, became unsteady and then fell into the cubicle wall. I should definitely clarify that a bit more in the text!
The story behind 'Grimble' is me and my friend had a debate over whether it was a real word, which it is not, but it sounds like it is. A grimble is like, a more lighthearted, quieter grumble %uD83D%uDE02
with the smiling, the sentence was just to be long and slowly wrap up his actions on that floor, so he would smile at some people or grumble or grimace at others, depending on his or their mood, though i can see now this doesn't come across to clear!
Your criticisms are definitely not too harsh! They are just what I need to help with editing and revising, since i tend not to catch these things, like long sentences (because i talk in very long sentences in real life sometimes i forget it doesnt always bode well on paper XD)
Again, thank you so much! I really enjoyed the comparisons to 1984 and The Myth of Sisyphus!!
you're welcome
and grimble does sound like it's a real word! i didn't even question it in the first reading. it blended right in.
"A grimble is like, a more lighthearted, quieter grumble"
hmm... "grimble" as a word sounds comparatively constricted, because of the "i" instead of "u". so grimble, like a compressed grumble... i think i get it! it would make sense if it was real. and maybe it is, in about a hundred years, cause all real words were once made up
haha, perhaps if from now on, i start using 'grimble' like it's a real word, it'll catch on %uD83D%uDE02 There is an author i studied called David Foster Wallace who was known for just making up words in his stories, maybe i was channelling him subconsciously XD
only one way to find out!
all i know about david foster wallace is from the movie The End of the Tour. seemed like a really awesome dude, at least from his portrayal in the film. regardless, i believe he would totally commend, or better, join in on, a grimble movement
Hello 4revgreen! Lim here with a review.
I’m not sure if this was intentional, but when I read how the cubicles were described in the first paragraph, I felt like the story was taking place in a dystopian setting! I thought it was interesting that the man *wanted* to spy on his colleagues in turn. Maybe that’s the only way he can feel like he’s on even footing? The part where it’s revealed that he keeps orange soda in his “coffee” mug made me chuckle. He comes across as someone who is trying to come across as a specific type of person (typical office worker) but who’s also dissatisfied with life and takes it out in small ways like moving the work around in the trays. It was amusing, but also unsettling at times.
Like the detail in which the not-quite-smile is described felt kind of creepy, and also bleak if that’s the only thing that brings some joy to his day.
The writing style feels very meticulous. It’s full of details and meditations on things like the purpose of the gap in the cubicle wall, and describing the man’s exact habits at work. It sort of reminds me of a Franz Kafka story, especially with the character being in an office space.
Something I like about this story is the way you’ve shown the man’s situation in life. His bad habits show he’s not a heroic character and that he’s maybe a bit petty. I like how the details like his keyboard not working properly and the cubicle structure being unstable suggest he doesn’t work for a great company, or that perhaps in this setting employers are just *like that*.
Something you might want to think about is the sentence structure. I found some of it difficult to process on the first go. I felt like there were a lot of details and information put in. While that works for the style and to convey the monotony of his job, I feel like at times it was hard to process the ‘main point’ or focus of the sentence.
The comma placement here makes me feel like it’s emphasising “small, dusty” and “thin, blue” but the main purpose of the sentence actually seems to be to convey that it’s “not private” - and set up for the next sentences talking about the gap in the wall.
The idea here is funny, but the noun phrases are super long (see bolded) and there are two of them in the same sentence. I feel like long noun phrases can be used for comedic effect, but this specific instance felt a bit too difficult to process for me.
Another thing I like about the story is how you focused on just the man’s perspective. It creates this sense of isolation, fitting with him having a monotonous cubicle job and not really seeming to have meaningful interactions with his colleagues.
Overall, I thought this was an interesting character sketch! I feel like it could go a lot of ways, including humorous, but perhaps also in a more dystopian or dark humour direction. One suggestion I have would be to think about where you want to use those long sentences for effect, and where you could maybe give the reader a bit of a ‘break’ and have shorter sentences, or sentences that describe simpler actions.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
thank you so much! i have been writing and reading a lot of dystopian fiction at the moment so i think it may have bled in here unintentionally! I totally agree with the long sentences; i've been reading a lot of David Foster Wallace and he has LOOONGG sentences so again i think i've been subconsciously influenced by Infinite Jest haha. tysm for your review, it really means a lot!