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E - Everyone

The train station

by 4revgreen

(A/N This is a piece I wrote in English where the prompt was a picture of a girl with headphones on. Obviously, I took that and ran :-) I'm aware of how long the sentences are, yes :-)

The station is busy, bustling with shopping bags and buggies and broken English. People echo “Excuse me” as they try to edge past strangers on the end of the platform, careful not to slip over the side onto the tracks. Children are warned not to cross the line of paint which separates their safety from their danger, and an old man argues with a young attendant about the outrageous price of tickets these days. The sign above us says that the train has been delayed; it's always said that though, because it's broken. Just like everyone else here, stuck saying and doing the same things over and over and over again like clockwork. 

The man with the big red duffel bag is going to work, down in London. He can't afford to live there, but can barely afford the rising ticket prices either. The weary looking woman with the wailing twins is barely 18, and takes them to visit her mother every other day so that she can do her college coursework. She wants to be a hairdresser. The boy with the broken leg is going to his physiotherapist; he was pushed down the stairs by a stepfather who somehow got away with it. And the girl with the headphones and the badly bandaged hand is running away from a house that's attempting to be a home back to home that sits in the charred remains of a house; that's me.

It's 9.31AM and now the train is late, but that's no different from usual. I'm not used to taking the train, but my older brother used to all the time and would constantly complain about it when he got home. The last time I was on a train, it was coming up here, with my brothers. Now I was leaving, alone. Seule. Well, is one truly alone with music? It's my own personal soundtrack that can change the mood of the scene with a simple skip. One track makes each person passing by seem important and sculptured and the next fills the air with a sense of fear.

I should be at school. I should be wearing an outfit that at school allows me to blend in but here would illuminate me like a neon sign. That outfit is stuffed behind a toilet in one of the cubicles in the girls toilets of Twynham School. My bike is chained to the metal fencing of the train station car park; I don't care if it gets nicked, it's not actually mine. I'm just borrowing it.

The train is drawing closer and sitting people stand and standing people step towards the edge of the platform. I stand too, and watch as it pulls up beside us. Us- it's like we're all somehow connected now, just because we're all catching the same train. 

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12 Reviews

Points: 107
Reviews: 12

Thu Apr 25, 2019 11:10 pm
Dilbert64 wrote a review...

This is an interesting story. Your descriptions are excellent, they really help make your world feel alive by giving even background characters personalities. It also set the tone, that this is a place where unpleasant thing happen and people are often unhappy with their situations, really well.

The story is also very good at telling large amounts of the story with very few words. An example is 'The girl... is running away from a house that's attempting to be a home.' This tells us her backstory in a concise way that really flows well with the rest of the story.

But there is one major issue, the ending. The story didn't have a conclusion, nothing was resolved, it just stopped. This means that the story feels completely unfinished which leaves the reader unsatisfied since they've just read a great set set up for an interesting story, that ends before the story properly starts.

If you expanded on what's already here, then this story could be really great. It has so much potential.

4revgreen says...

Thank you for the review! Hopefully I will get round to writing some sort of conclusion to This one day aha

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31 Reviews

Points: 38
Reviews: 31

Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:44 am
singhvaibhav wrote a review...

Hey, 4revgreen I like how you have kept the story simple and sweet. it reminded me of stories of Malgudi days By R.K Narayan. what I loved about the story is how you set the mood right at the beginning without actually going into a detailed scenic description, I really appreciate that because you give the readers space to weave a scene on their own based on their experiences. Another thing is that from a reader's perspective you gave us just enough of each character to be emotionally invested in them. The way you have written it we can all see a bit of ourselves in these characters. My main issue with this story is the lack of sense of direction, The story in itself doesn't seem complete, it seems as if it's a part of something. To me, it felt more of an excerpt than a story. It feels like a though left unexplored, you have to give this thought a context, Ground the story in the backdrop of something real.

Keep Writing, All the best :)

4revgreen says...

Thank you so much!
I did originally plan to male this The beginning of a story but didn't know where to take it so just kept it like this. Maybe I will write it however!

Dilbert64 says...

I think you should.

User avatar
15 Reviews

Points: 1369
Reviews: 15

Sat Apr 06, 2019 2:16 pm
TropicalRain wrote a review...

Hello, TropicalRain here with a few things to say about your short story. And to help get it out the Green Room.

Okay let's start.

The first thing I really liked, was that you based this whole story off of a image you had seen, I think that is really cool, and unique. I would base a poem off of a image, but I have never thought of doing the same thing with a short story, so great idea.
I also really like the story you came up with from just looking at the image, it's quit interesting and I'm wondering if the girl got on the train or not? I guess you left that to your reader to decide.
I think your description was spot on, how you told your reader what was going on, I can tell you, you did it in a way I wouldn't so I got a few good tips from reading this. You also gave me the impression that this girl comes to the train station a lot, and that's who she knows the lives of all the people that go there. Or she could just be living in a small town. So many things to think about, and it's cool that you left that to your reader to decide.

Well that's all I can say about your work. I really liked reading it, and I hope I will see more from you soon. Never stop writing. :D


4revgreen says...

Thank you so much! It always makes my day when someone likes my work :-)

TropicalRain says...

I'm glad.
It always make my day too when someone is really happy with what I've written.
Umm, if you don't mind, but I just posted a little bit of the book I'm working on, on my wall and I would love it if I could hear what you think? You don't have to have a look if you don't want to.

4revgreen says...

Yeah sure I'd love to have a look!

TropicalRain says...

Thank you so much. <3

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain