z

Young Writers Society



The beginning of something I haven't thought of a title for yet

by 4revgreen


(This is literally not even a complete chapter. I'm kind of stuck for ideas and just wanted to post something to be honest.. Any ideas of where I could go next would be appreciated.

It was when they all started telling each other what they knew about Star McLeod when they realised that they really didn't know anything about her at all. Everyone had different stories to tell, all of which were sworn to be true. Evan was sure he was the only one with a true story to tell, and he had undeniable proof that it had happened, yet he was reluctant to share it. The authenticity of his story compared to the obvious lies and rumours of the others was something that he felt he needed to keep private. For Star's sake, really, but also because he liked the feeling of knowing something about her that no one else did.

They recounted their stories in hushed voices, crammed into a corner of the library filled with the old computers that no one ever wanted to use. There were five of them; three girls and two boys. Misfits, or whatever other names had been thrown their way throughout their school days. They were the awkward type, Evan thought to himself as he glanced round at them. Social incompetent but with a lot to say, pretty but hidden behind ridiculous haircuts and hand-me-downs. Forgotten by teachers and laughed at by fellow students. Evan liked to hide behind his over grown dyed black fringe and his mother's old turtle-neck sweaters, keeping his head down even around his friends. Friends wasn't really the right word – not for him, anyway. No, they only hung around with each other because no one else wanted to hang around with them. Well, Evan considered Maddie his friend, more so than anyone else because they had other things in common other than a fascination with Star McLeod.

Star McLeod was even more of a 'misfit' than they were. She hung around on her own, never talked to anyone except the teachers, and only when she had to. There were always earphones in her ears playing - quite loudly - songs no one had ever heard before, and she wore odd combinations of clothes. Long black dresses that looked like something a witch would wear paired with trainers which were being held together by duck tape, hoodies and jeans paired with Wellington boots – once she even wore what Maddie had sworn were pyjamas. “Because I have that exact pair at home,” she had remarked as Star had stormed passed them, angry eyes hidden behind her delicate looking round glasses. Despite Star's “loneliness” she never seemed to be self-conscious of what she wore. She walked around like she owned the campus, barged past people that were in her way in a fashion that would get Evan and his gang of misfits beaten up. Jamie, the other boy in the group, swore he once saw her knock over a teacher in the tech building, but Evan knew this was false because the only places Star ever went within the college were the E block and the library.

Star was in the library on that day, and glared at them as she passed their table to get to a shelf of dusty poetry books behind them. Their whispers stopped and they immediately pretended to be reading or writing. Evan glanced down at his phone but his eyes shifted back to Star, who was pulling books off of the shelf to see the covers since the spines had long since faded away. Today she was wearing a long maroon coat that was way too big for her and made her shoulders look like a rugby player's and yellow checked trousers that stopped at the ankles, exposing just an inch or so of skin before the top of the boots started. They looked like steel-toe boots to Evan, and they probably were because of the racket she'd made crossing the library floor. He brought his gaze back up to her hair, which was positively golden and shone in the few specks of sunlight which escaped through the blinds above their heads. She never put her hair up, not even on windy days. It always hung down, just past her shoulders. When ever had his 'encounter' with Star, her hair had been a little shorter and the edges had been dyed pink. That was summer, before they started year 11. Now they were in college, studying completely different subjects yet always bumping into each other thanks to Evan's expert knowledge of her routine.

Last summer, Evan had landed himself a job delivering leaflets for a variety of different fast food chains in the area. Though Star's house wasn't on the list, he thought it was the perfect opportunity to catch her in her natural habitat. Back then they knew even less about her, but everyone knew where she lived because one time the police had been called there after a neighbour thought they'd heard screaming from inside. For lack of anything better to do, Evan had followed the police car on his bike before knowing it was heading to Star's house. He'd watched from the other side of the street as two officers approached the small house which stood alone on that side of the road. It was the first time he'd ever seen Star's mother, and as she opened the front door he could tell that she looked nothing like her daughter. To the point that he was sure Star must have been adopted. Her mother was tall, extremely skinny and had long, curly red hair. The complete opposite of Star, who at tops was 5”2, not fat but definitely not skinny and had straight blonde hair. Her mother also had a Scottish accent, whereas the town in which they lived was on the south coast of England. Evan was somewhat mesmerised by her appearance and watched as she smiled and assured the police men that everything was fine. She waved them off with a smile, but as soon as they started to drive away, the car spun out of control and crashed into a brick wall, the engine exploding upon impact. This was just metres away from Evan, who found himself sprawled on the concrete beside his bike with Star crouching over him.


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Tue Oct 29, 2019 10:20 pm
GlenCoco84 says...



Hi 4evgreen!
This looks promising so far. I like how you describe the misfits as people that "are pretty, but hidden behind bad haircuts and hand me down clothes" thats a really good way to describe people that are called misfits. Its acknowledging that they are a little weird, but also people with potential for bueaty and greatness. Well done!




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Tue Oct 29, 2019 10:20 pm
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GlenCoco84 wrote a review...



Hi 4evgreen!
This looks promising so far. I like how you describe the misfits as people that "are pretty, but hidden behind bad haircuts and hand me down clothes" thats a really good way to describe people that are called misfits. Its acknowledging that they are a little weird, but also people with potential for bueaty and greatness. Well done!




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much!



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Tue Oct 29, 2019 10:07 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, fellow writer! You've started off on a cool work of writing. I am fascinated by it already. I like how you describe people, but you don't over-describe. One good thing is that you go beyond describing just the basic hair and eyes like many do. The way you paint a picture of their clothes and the way they carry themselves makes it much more alive and realistic. That is probably my favorite part, other than the sense of mystery that the piece gives.

I see that others have left critiques. I myself will refrain this time. But please keep writing!




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much for the review :-)



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Tue Oct 29, 2019 7:38 pm
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erinr05 wrote a review...



I love how this is written. The writing style's great and I'm wondering what the rest of the story would be. It was a fun read.

In the second paragraph, "social incompetents" should be "socially incompetent".
In the fourth paragraph, you put "when ever" instead of "when Evan".
In the final paragraph, "police men" should be one word.

Star seems like an interesting character, and Evan's definitely a stalker. Both characters are well-written. Perhaps both their character flaws could be dealt with, or they could get worse, ending with some sort of tragedy they've caused.

I've got a few ideas about this, so take what you can from them (even though they're probably not that good, and are kind of vague):

- Either Evan or Star could've purposely damaged the police car

- Something could happen to Star's mother, giving her a chance to try and sort out her emotions/trauma (assuming she is being abused)

- Evan could find something wrong with Star (e.g. Star being rude to him, or something like that), leading to his perception of her being shattered and his obsession being challenged. This could be used either as a positive experience for the characters (Evan could get over his obsession/realise stalking her was bad, and possible confront Star, causing a change) or a negative experience (Evan become angry/violent, and his obsession becomes less about admiration and more about anger).

These ideas mightn't be great, but they're what I thought of on the spot.
As I said before, I think this is written well and enjoyed reading it :)




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much for the review!
You had some really interesting ideas that I am definitely going to play around with, so thank you so so much!



erinr05 says...


No problem, happy to help :)



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Thu Oct 24, 2019 2:40 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...



Woah! That's one way to end whatever this is since you don't know what this is yourself! Haha!

I thought this was top class! I was a bit skeptical as to whether I should read this because your author's note said it was "something" you wanted to post. Glad you did, green! This was definitely interesting and I read it so fast, it was that smooth of a read.

Now, let's get to the typos before we get into the story.

They recounted their storied in hushed voices,


"stories"

thrown their way through their school days.


How about "through out" ?

and only then when she had to


that was way to big for her


"way too"

When ever had his 'encounter' with Star,


Whenever he had his encounter...

had been called their


"there"

and watch as she smiled


"watched"

That's all the typos that I noticed. As I said earlier, I think this was a fun read. Evan sounded a little bit like a stalker. I understand why they'd gossip about the new girl in the school but to go to her to home, well, I thought that was a bit extreme and so when he was saved by her from the car explosion I was surprised. Following someone to their home or invading her personal space is not very romantic anymore. I'll certainly be pissed off if they get into a romantic relationship after this. I think a platonic relationship would do just fine till we see a potential good character arch between these two.

Disappointingly, I found myself enjoying the 'gossip' part of the story. You have written it so well that it did not feel wrong at all, just that we've been led into a secret of some teenager(s). Good writer you are, Green. I'd love this more if you don't introduce magic or fantasies and just make a coming-of-age drama with ridiculously less amount of science. A guilty pleasure when you're dozing off in sociology class, haha.

Keep up the good work, bud.

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much for the review :-) I am actually dozing off in sociology class right now too aha. And thank you for pointing out all my typos! It means a lot!



Dreamy says...


You are very welcome! :D




Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle