Young Writers Society

Hello, hello, wasup? Yeah, okay, I'll skip on my regular format (pragraph by paragraph with my general thoughts at the end) because it really doesn't work all that well for a work like this, at least, the way that I use it, and just give my general opinions.

I will first complement you on your imagry and your use of purple prose to create a stunning picture in the minds of your readers. You really did do a great job on that front.

Okay, I'm done being nice.

I have no problem with swearing. I swear like a sailor myself (when not in the presence of athority figures), but here it does nothing for the piece. Every time a swear word is put into a sentence, either on its own, between words, or in the middle of a word, it creates a sort of pause that breaks up the flow of the words. This can be good, in the same way that perfectly smooth brushstrokes are not always a painter's goal, but where the goal is to create vivd images and feelings, swearwords can only serve to hurt the final product. There are and will always be exceptions, but this is not one.

Also, on the topic of your imagery and word choice, your constant remiders of the blood, the glass, the injury, are necessary in some places, but in a few (and I mean very few, this wasn't a very big problem) your reminding us, the readers, of those things took away from whatever new piece of imagery you were adding to the scene.

Overall, it was a great peice. Not without flaws, but those that I could see were few and, well, not far between due to the general shortness of the piece, but certainly few. Wonderful job.

I really enjoyed this! The first part where she jumped into the broken glass made me cringe and made me want to read more at the same time. I think that was an awesome opening to the story! The plot was clear and well written, you had my attention for the beginning to end, and I think your writing has improved since the first one I saw by you, the Rev Green. I felt I was there too, living through the story.

What I would suggest is maybe proofreading once more, I saw one or two grammar mistakes. And maybe making it flow a bit more and maybe transitioning the story a bit.

Other than that it was totally amazing and the cliffhanger you left me on was cruel . Good luck and keep writing! I can't wait to read more by you!

Jade

Hi there!
This is good! It is well written and well formatted. You did a really good job writing this. I especially love the mystery.

"Next to me is the past. In front of me is the looming future, towering over me with an uncertainty tainting the possibilities. Would I end up as the headline, or would I become the editor, on a shattered computer, waiting to be the writer?

The ink from the article seeps through my cold skin and into my lungs, each breath reminding me of my heritage, the weight of what I could become pushing down on my ribs as the words really began to circulate within my system."

This part is my favorite. The mystery in those two paragraphs, the imagery, the description...I love it!